First ARP Meeting Worries & Tender Mercies

I met with my Lifestar therapist for the last time a couple of night ago. We went through 4 workbooks (all of Phase 1) together, but for various reasons we are now separating ways and I have been left to question my therapeutic goals.

On my drive home from his office I decided to make a pitstop at the temple. I wanted direction. I wanted motivation. I wanted to sort out thoughts from all along the spectrum of life.

Then I came home and pulled out my journal and received a subtle impression as I wrote. It wasn't  absolute words that I heard, rather feelings and words that I was trying to discern. I carefully wrote out what I believe God was trying to tell me. Moments like this help me validate my Heavenly Father will speak to me, personally.

Therapy has been incredibly wonderful and I've been very proactive in utilizing this resource, however I'm not so consistent in my spiritual endeavors. I believe that it's time now to channel my recovery efforts in a very sincere and serious way in a spiritual direction. I determined the first thing I needed to do was attend my stake's ARP meeting.

Yesterday night I was full of worry. I worried that I'd be the only female. I worried that someone I knew might be there. I worried that it wouldn't be for me. I worried I'd be too prideful to even make the meeting worth it. I worried my husband would be mad at me for taking another night away from home. I worried about everything!!! During my drive there I remembered this quote, rather I think the Lord brought it to my remembrance. I knew the discomfort was just a sign that I was on the edge of change; good things would come if I leaned into the discomfort.

Despite all of this worry yesterday, I was blessed with an incredible amount of courage.

I was 5 minutes early. No one was there. I sat outside the high council office. Was I in the right place? The Stake President came out of his office followed by.......I couldn't believe it.....my bishop! What?? I was a little surprised and embarrassed that they saw me sitting there, but then I decided that this was a small tender mercy because I love my Bishop. And do you know how some people make you feel better just by being around them? Well, my Bishop is kind of like that--just a simple unexpected hello from him boosted my courage a little more.

The meeting started. I was happy to see that I was not the only female. And I took more courage knowing the facilitator was "a LifeStar guy" as my therapist told me. The meeting was somewhat different than I expected. I've heard that in a general ARP meeting that people don't share their addictions and that things stay at a very general level. (That was actually one of my worries--that a general meeting wouldn't be a good fit for me.) But that's not how this group rolls. During introductions we were asked to share our name, addiction, and stating sobriety if we felt comfortable with it.

I thought for sure, I would pass during introductions, but my heart took courage and I shared my addiction and sobriety! *Breathe* I didn't feel alone! Not one wit. Thinking about it later, I found a lot of comfort in the fact that we shared our addictions. Otherwise, guaranteed I would've believed I was the "only one". We all know that feeling.

And, then guess what. I even shared later! I felt like I was at testimony meeting at girl's camp--you know that moment when everyone else, but you has borne their testimony. Your heart begins pounding and you want to share, but you're not exactly sure what to say? Courage overcame me again. I shared in the last five minutes how excited I was to be there. I realized this was my ideal meeting: a good mix of educated facilitating with a spiritual core. Seriously so blessed.

I even ended up staying afterwards casually talking to people. It was wonderful! I was so happy I went. I came home and wrote a little bit about my experience in my journal, and at one moment looked up and saw my face in the mirror. This may sound a little narcissistic but what I saw was beautiful. There was a happy radiance coming from me. I even glanced back one more time to see if that beauty I saw was real--yep, still there. I was vulnerable. I was courageous. I didn't dance around anything. I was truly and completely, 100% me. That whole evening was incredible. I even dreamt about ARP meetings all night! I am definitely looking forward to going again.