Oh, I know. You're tucked inside the pages of my scriptures. You're snug inside some of the hearts of those who've walked where I'm walking. You probably were served on a platter to those who were aware of it, at church today. Somehow, I only got a nibble. But the minute I walked back in my apartment door, you vanished.
I look around and see him. Still in his pajamas, unshowered, clicking that controller and shooting the hell out the imaginary creatures, talking with his "friends" on his headset. I want to get on my high tower and proclaim how his choice to choose *that* over church is disgusting. I want to believe I am the better person for choosing to go to church.
I am a jerk.
Truth is, he is far better than I.
My son is hungry. More resentment builds as I prepare lunch by myself. Did I not spend the entire morning getting our son ready for church, by myself? I don't want to do this by myself anymore!
I go to my room. If I nap, it'll go away. I'll feel better.
That didn't work. You still irritate me.
Maybe if I get 3 stars on all my Angry Birds levels than I'll feel better.
That definitely didn't work.
Maybe if I post an ad on Craigslist, just to get some emails.... I wouldn't actually go out and meet any of them. No, I'll just text that guy friend of mine. That's less harmless.
None of it works. What would work? Communicating! Wow! Wonders, right? I'm learning recovery is a proactive effort. Recovery is often looking beyond the symptoms and looking to the root.
My husband came in. He asked, "Are you having a bad day?"
Perfect opportunity to communicate, right? But instead I pushed him away. And now I have to apologize for *that* too.
I am so unhappy right now. I have no hope because I won't let go of my pride. I know it. And the fact that I know it makes it that much harder, because now I have to own it.
But why wouldn't I want to??? Don't I get that hope is on the other side? Isn't that what I want? Why is this so damn hard?!
Christ loves you, Seattle. In all of this, I hope you don't forget that for one second :) My pride disgusts me. I never thought it was this bad until I finally admitted my addiction. I've had a lot of days lately like the one you just described, searching for happiness in all the wrong places, having no motivation to do what I know would REALLY make me happy. The spiral downward is horrible because you know what is happening and you know it's your own fault.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that gets me up the next day and going is reminding myself that Christ loves me, even when I'm a moron. Even when I deliberately ignore Him. And I hope I can one day do this with His help.
You are so, so, so right. I just found out last night that a friend of mine lost her one year old son in an accident an I can't even fathom the depression she must be feeling. And to realize it she did nothing to earn it! And like you said, my spiral downward is most horrible because I know I caused it. How dare I cry out when there are others out there who didn't cause their own misery, who need help?
DeleteI hope I can one day do this with His help, too. Thank you for your comment. Really,..thank you.
You're welcome :) I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be.
DeleteGod wants to hear your cry too. I believe there is a lot of what we as addicts do that we aren't completely in control of, and He understands that. That's why we can't do it alone. He has to carry us.
I know that if left to myself, I'll do stupid things no matter what, so there is no use in crucifying myself each time it happens. Christ already did that for me, so rather than thinking of all the bad things I did, I try to focus more on my success or failure in turning to Him or not in those times of temptation. It simplifies it a lot for me and also helps me to focus on the solution rather than the problem.
breathe. Just breathe. Try yoga. I did some the other day. Breathe in positivity. Breathe out negativity. Do it slowly and carefully. Focus on the good coming in and let the bad go out.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard. No other way around it. But there is always HOPE. ALways, dang it (notice how I didn't say dammit??)
There is always hope....somewhere! ;) should I congratulate you for not cussing, or correct you cuz you spelled it wrong?
DeleteOH please. I have seen it spelled that way before. It's a cuss word and therefore slang and subject to various spellings.
ReplyDelete