What do you mean when you say you care about someone? What does it feel like to have someone care about you?
I watched some Full House today, DJs uncles really cared about her. I remember watching that as a kid and wishing I had that. And today, that familiar thought crossed my mind. I was viewing the show from 26 year old eyes and experience, but was still responding like my ten year old self. Weird, I know. I know no one will understand why recognizing what I did while watching that show was of any importance but it is, to me. Those pangs of desiring to be cared about so deeply and lovingly come from somewhere. And it's bugging me.
I have held very strongly to the paradigm for almost a decade that there are only three people in this world who really care about you: your parents and if you have one, your spouse. And it's a belief that I think I'm beginning to believe is weighing me down...or as Brene Brown and my therapists keep saying, it's based on the faulty core belief that I am not worthy of love.
But I believe I am worthy of love. I can say that. Maybe I don't always feel it, but I can say that I am worthy of love just as easily as I can break out singing I am a child of God.
Maybe what I need to figure out is what my definition of "really care" is.
Do I think people care about me? Yes. But only to a certain extent. And if I'm not careful then they'll stop caring and instead be annoyed of me.
So do people really care about me? No. I think my parents care about me and they just will no matter what. But how come their "caring" has no/little value to me, when everyone else's caring does? Is this some insatiable need to be cared about?
I think it's an innate human desire to be loved. I get depressed sometimes when I talk to my dad because he's never really listening. In fact, I had a breakdown once when talking to my wife about her childhood because I felt like there was so much more love and caring than in mine.
ReplyDeleteI get upset sometimes when friends say they'll do something and keep flaking out on me. I feel that if they truly cared, they would follow through. So I do know what you mean.
But over time I have realized that the only people I need who really care about me are my wife and my Heavenly Father. I don't know why I got into my addiction when I was younger but I know I didn't feel like my parents cared enough about me that I could talk to them. So if I am constantly searching for that in them or in others, I am going to stay disappointed and in turn, addicted. So I try to focus more on my relationship with my wife and with The Lord. And it has helped immensely!
Sorry for the mini blog post lol. But that's what I couldn't help think about while reading your post.
Ah, I had this conversation today with one of my therapists. The concept of caring is such an interesting one. What a profound statement that you made: "I am worthy of love". Keep that true belief strong and your world of caring individuals will grow. I love this post - thanks for sharing. :)
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