Chapter One

Moving day had come.

I was really anxious to move and to switch wards. But most of my anxiety came from losing such a huge support: my bishop. I had a disciplinary council earlier that year, and was given temporary probation. I viewed that restriction as a motivation to continue on my path of spiritual edification. The goal was to get me to serve and to spark that feeling and desire for the spirit to be fully present in my life again. This was hard for me to do--pride has had a huge hold on my heart. In my final week, I met once more with my bishop. Because I was still on probation, I felt I needed his permission to take the sacrament. He said he viewed me in a favorable state and that I should go forth and make a splash in my new ward--accept a calling, do my visiting teaching, etc...

I sat across that desk from him and just stared. At that moment I really tried to put words to what I was feeling. I don't recall all the specifics, yet I remarked, "But I'm not changed." I don't know what more I expected from this journey, but after meeting with him during the year and "paying my dues" I expected to feel different; to be different. 

I left that final meeting unfulfilled--dissatisfied with myself. Someone can tell me, you're being too hard on yourself." But it doesn't matter. I know what I am feeling inside. God knows what I am feeling inside. I have hardly become something more than I was the year prior. My heart was still in the same place--protected by pride. And worst of all, when I searched myself the following evenings, I could sense the same carnal desires lurking underneath. I believed wholeheartedly, "This is all going to happen again."

Continue to Chapter 2

Read My Story before Chapter One