Journal: Dear Amy

I have always been a fairly diligent journal writer since I turned 8 and received one as a gift. Yes, early on there were six month gaps between entries, but I applaud my young self for keeping at it, because there is so much I treasure and memories I have because of my journaling.

I have a journal which I named Amy. (She was kinda like an awesome therapist ;) ) and I remember that I once wrote in her about my first time looking at pornography--and even to Amy, an inanimate object, I felt a certain level of shame for sharing that I went back and tore out that page. A small shred of paper remained though and tonight I went looking for it. 

Reflecting back, I recalled my first time viewing porn was when I was about 11 years old, but now I am beginning to doubt that. You'd think that moment would be frozen in time-which ironically the first image is still there as if I'd viewed it yesterday. But this ripped out journal entry was from late 13-early 14 years old. 

Here is part of my entry that I wrote. Note the burden of secrecy I was carrying. But also I'm kinda proud that my little 14 year old self had it somewhat together and knew where she needed to turn. 

Sept 26, 2000
Even though seminary is boring it has helped me with advice and things that I need to tell people about. Now don't think of me as a bad person, but there are so many bad things in the world today. Stay away from the wordly things. Stay as close to The Lord as possible. Yes, I did something that I regret and I really regret it. I have only told 2 people about it and that all. So, even though you are a book, there are people reading and I just don't want to say yet."

Oh, but only ten pages later Shame was taking its toll.

August 14, 2001
I went to a Bishops interview. I told myself that I was going to tell him. But as the days got closer, I knew I was going to chicken out and I did and I lied. I know. I am a bad person. 

No! I want to scream out now and hug myself and tell her no, youre not a bad person! 

And, oh the irony of the final entry. At this point, I was just over 17 years old. I had just exposed all my secrets a few months prior and now felt hopeful. But, I think I also thought my woes were over. 

December 2003
Amy-this journal is thick. I came to the conclusion after skimming through this journal that my life was totally bombarded and confused, but I think this journal shows change. In early entries, for years I fret, complain, and worried constantly. After doing as I should new struggles arise, but old ones slowly dissappear. A lot of what I struggle with seems to be typical teen problems. I have a feeling things will get better. Things are good. Live life happily. That's my advice, because I feel I've wasted too many years of my life. 

This journal holds many secrets. More than I would tell one person. I am so happy to be putting it away for many years. So long, Amy!

I only hope my current journal will end on such a positive vein, too. That I again will feel changed, full of hope, and with faith in The Lord; to just move forward and to live life happily.