I am so sad right now.
I feel very lost.
I feel surrounded by failure. That I am a failure. That I am going to fail. So much of this is for naught.
I've had my sister with us all week, and she's such a bright and cheery person. And I'd like to say I feel inspired by her and had an enjoyable time, but mostly I felt like I was running to keep up a facade. I put so much energy into trying to patch any hole she might see into my life that my marriage is not as happy as hers. That my relationship with my husband sucks. I didn't want her to see any of my internet history and be able to see that I read LDS addiction blogs. I didn't want her to come across my therapy binders or my SA white book.
I really struggled to be real and authentic with her. And I think that is what is bothering me so much right now. That has left me vulnerable to a spiraling down of depression. I don't know. I don't get it.
When she left I was full of so many mixed feelings; I wish so badly that she didn't have to leave, because I love her and want her influence in my life. Yet I felt relief because I'm done with the cover-up-ing and the humiliation.
I felt so humiliated often this weekend. Normally the things I hear and the conversations that happen between my hubby and I are just what they are, and I deal with them. But this weekend they stood out to me (and I'm sure to her) as unhealthy, dysfunctional and without love. I struggle to speak care to him as he does to me. I feel lonely in a place where I expect to feel love. I'm sure he feels the exact same way. And this leaves me hopeless. What do we do? How can we possibly undo everything that's been done? I feel very lost.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Slip Justifications
Wanna know a phrase that I just hate? That slips are meant to be part of recovery. Or that slips are an important part of recovery. Or that no one goes through recovery without a slip.
I believe that most of the time, phrases similar to this are spoken after a slip in an effort to minimize shame or help the addict "feel better."
Okay, okay, it may be true that there hasn't been one single person who has started recovery and never had a slip, but telling me that slips are part of the process is JUST WHAT THE ADDICT WANTS TO HEAR!
When I hear that, I feel like I've been given permission to toy with my triggers; to play with them a little bit because I'm gonna slip eventually, right?
But the reality is: slipping is not part of my plan. It may happen, but I'm not going to justify it as necessary to my recovery. I know now that I can't give myself grace when I slip. It's Jesus Christ who offers me grace. What He asks in return is a commitment of my whole life, mind and soul and to be changed through Him.
So I guess in a one sentence summation: Slipping is not an essential part of the process. Getting up and asking for God's Grace, is.
I believe that most of the time, phrases similar to this are spoken after a slip in an effort to minimize shame or help the addict "feel better."
Okay, okay, it may be true that there hasn't been one single person who has started recovery and never had a slip, but telling me that slips are part of the process is JUST WHAT THE ADDICT WANTS TO HEAR!
When I hear that, I feel like I've been given permission to toy with my triggers; to play with them a little bit because I'm gonna slip eventually, right?
But the reality is: slipping is not part of my plan. It may happen, but I'm not going to justify it as necessary to my recovery. I know now that I can't give myself grace when I slip. It's Jesus Christ who offers me grace. What He asks in return is a commitment of my whole life, mind and soul and to be changed through Him.
So I guess in a one sentence summation: Slipping is not an essential part of the process. Getting up and asking for God's Grace, is.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
A lesson on over sharing
I keep thinking I need to delete my blog. Like--put whatever energy I'm putting into it into something else instead. Just a random intro thought...
If you've been following my last couple of posts, then this will make more sense. I reached out to my therapist last night and we had a phone session today which was the best. So much honesty and clarity. I am pro therapy-no joke! No matter how much I study addiction and try to learn about it, when I'm in my cycle I'm certain I've got blinders up. I need people on the outside to snap me out of it!
I told her about sharing my most recent trigger with my husband. Luckily I have a friend (WoPA) who taught me that I've had time to process thru what I have and that when I expose something, it's brand new to my spouse and I need to now give him the time (maybe weeks) to process what I've shared.
Well, I didn't do so hot at giving him much time. And I also wasn't sure I shared in "the best way", but I shared. I tried. I knew I had to do it, and so I'm reminding myself my intentions were good.
But my therapist confirmed that I may have overshared, indeed. And that I probably really triggered my husband. She affirmed that it will be okay on both ends, just that I need to let him process it and be respectful of it. She also affirmed to me that my attempt to share in the best and most honest way proves I am fighting for recovery.
"So how do I share next time," I asked? I don't want to use the excuse that I might over share, to not share at all! That's what the addict wants me to do! Her tips, at least in this particular circumstance were:
1) Share that you are feeling triggered
2) Share that you are reaching out because you want to break the cycle
3) Then share what action steps you are taking (who you're reaching out to, accountability partners and dailies).
My husband will likely still feel triggered, and may ask for more details but at least he will be asking because he feels ready to handle more information. She also talked about the spouse (in her experience) often struggles with upset and anxious feelings, but strangely it is typically followed up with a sense of relief and safety knowing their spouse didn't keep it a secret.
I really liked that. And hope its true. I'm calming down. I'm coming clean. I'll be continuing to make some more action steps tomorrow and likely making phone calls the rest of the week. I am not through this cycle yet. I will not boast. One day at a time...
If you've been following my last couple of posts, then this will make more sense. I reached out to my therapist last night and we had a phone session today which was the best. So much honesty and clarity. I am pro therapy-no joke! No matter how much I study addiction and try to learn about it, when I'm in my cycle I'm certain I've got blinders up. I need people on the outside to snap me out of it!
I told her about sharing my most recent trigger with my husband. Luckily I have a friend (WoPA) who taught me that I've had time to process thru what I have and that when I expose something, it's brand new to my spouse and I need to now give him the time (maybe weeks) to process what I've shared.
Well, I didn't do so hot at giving him much time. And I also wasn't sure I shared in "the best way", but I shared. I tried. I knew I had to do it, and so I'm reminding myself my intentions were good.
But my therapist confirmed that I may have overshared, indeed. And that I probably really triggered my husband. She affirmed that it will be okay on both ends, just that I need to let him process it and be respectful of it. She also affirmed to me that my attempt to share in the best and most honest way proves I am fighting for recovery.
"So how do I share next time," I asked? I don't want to use the excuse that I might over share, to not share at all! That's what the addict wants me to do! Her tips, at least in this particular circumstance were:
1) Share that you are feeling triggered
2) Share that you are reaching out because you want to break the cycle
3) Then share what action steps you are taking (who you're reaching out to, accountability partners and dailies).
My husband will likely still feel triggered, and may ask for more details but at least he will be asking because he feels ready to handle more information. She also talked about the spouse (in her experience) often struggles with upset and anxious feelings, but strangely it is typically followed up with a sense of relief and safety knowing their spouse didn't keep it a secret.
I really liked that. And hope its true. I'm calming down. I'm coming clean. I'll be continuing to make some more action steps tomorrow and likely making phone calls the rest of the week. I am not through this cycle yet. I will not boast. One day at a time...
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Action Steps and the procrastination thereof
a follow up to my last post:
Finally found some clarity after what seemed like way too long just being stuck in my own head. That dream was a big trigger for me, but it was primarily a slap in the face to get my life in order (again).
Again.
And I'm still working on that piece. Working on cultivating courage to have what I think are going to be hard conversations. Specifically with my hubs. They are only hard because it seems anything to do with communicating real feelings is hard. Things are just so inconsistent. Sometimes we have really good, deep shares but then long periods of time of nothing.
But mostly, those last few sentences are just justifications to not have the conversations that I feel I need to have.
I'm good at justifying; at believing more things are out of my control than in it. But what it really boils down to is: I don't want to take action. I'd rather sit in my current state, and hope that everything will just remain okay. But there's work to be done. Boundaries to redefine. Safety nets to put into place.
I met with my bishop today. I just put it out there. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a legitimate reason to be there unless I've legitimately done something: slipped or relapsed. But like I said in my last post, it's the little things! And I had to push through a lot of shame to reach out to him in my current state--to say, "I'm struggling with stuff. But it's all in my head. But here's what is in my head anyway. Please just hear me. Please understand me. Please lead me to my Savior because I'm having a hard time wanting to find Him on my own. Help me want to want Him. Help me to want Recovery."
I feel I walked away still clearly knowing what my next step needs to be. But still clearly fighting it. Well I've proven one thing: I'm a fighter, I just can't always tell for which side. Haha.
Over and out.
Finally found some clarity after what seemed like way too long just being stuck in my own head. That dream was a big trigger for me, but it was primarily a slap in the face to get my life in order (again).
Again.
And I'm still working on that piece. Working on cultivating courage to have what I think are going to be hard conversations. Specifically with my hubs. They are only hard because it seems anything to do with communicating real feelings is hard. Things are just so inconsistent. Sometimes we have really good, deep shares but then long periods of time of nothing.
But mostly, those last few sentences are just justifications to not have the conversations that I feel I need to have.
I'm good at justifying; at believing more things are out of my control than in it. But what it really boils down to is: I don't want to take action. I'd rather sit in my current state, and hope that everything will just remain okay. But there's work to be done. Boundaries to redefine. Safety nets to put into place.
I met with my bishop today. I just put it out there. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a legitimate reason to be there unless I've legitimately done something: slipped or relapsed. But like I said in my last post, it's the little things! And I had to push through a lot of shame to reach out to him in my current state--to say, "I'm struggling with stuff. But it's all in my head. But here's what is in my head anyway. Please just hear me. Please understand me. Please lead me to my Savior because I'm having a hard time wanting to find Him on my own. Help me want to want Him. Help me to want Recovery."
I feel I walked away still clearly knowing what my next step needs to be. But still clearly fighting it. Well I've proven one thing: I'm a fighter, I just can't always tell for which side. Haha.
Over and out.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Tug Of War
I'm in my cycle.
I don't know if that's the right terminology, but it seems like that's what my therapist would say.
There's just little things that keep standing out to me--instances where I let my guard down. Rather, I let a thought stay. Or, find excitement/thrill from it, rather than a desire to push it away from me.
That being said, I can't pinpoint much of anything like... how serious this is.
But, really that doesn't matter because anything...any. little. thing. is a step towards disrupting my peace & sobriety. And I don't want that. Every time it's these little things that build up and all of the sudden I look back and realize I've created something huge. Got to manage the little things.
Triggering, power-holding dream last week. I couldn't stop thinking about this dream for days. I didn't reach out to one person. Nope. Then I finally went to the SA meeting and just shared about it some, but with little relief. I felt how much power this dream had over me. It was so true to something that can actually happen in reality, that I realized I could truly make it a reality. And not only that, I wanted to!
But then of course, I don't want to!!
So I am back in the game of tug-of-war with myself. And one of me is going to win.
I think I'd best get back into seeing my therapist to break it down with complete honesty. It's not enough for me to just share it in a group setting. I need someone to get to the gutsy interior with me.
I don't know if that's the right terminology, but it seems like that's what my therapist would say.
There's just little things that keep standing out to me--instances where I let my guard down. Rather, I let a thought stay. Or, find excitement/thrill from it, rather than a desire to push it away from me.
That being said, I can't pinpoint much of anything like... how serious this is.
But, really that doesn't matter because anything...any. little. thing. is a step towards disrupting my peace & sobriety. And I don't want that. Every time it's these little things that build up and all of the sudden I look back and realize I've created something huge. Got to manage the little things.
Triggering, power-holding dream last week. I couldn't stop thinking about this dream for days. I didn't reach out to one person. Nope. Then I finally went to the SA meeting and just shared about it some, but with little relief. I felt how much power this dream had over me. It was so true to something that can actually happen in reality, that I realized I could truly make it a reality. And not only that, I wanted to!
But then of course, I don't want to!!
So I am back in the game of tug-of-war with myself. And one of me is going to win.
I think I'd best get back into seeing my therapist to break it down with complete honesty. It's not enough for me to just share it in a group setting. I need someone to get to the gutsy interior with me.
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