SA Club: No Boys Allowed!

Today I did something I haven't done in a very, very long time: I got out of bed at 7am!!

I also did something I have never done before: Attended an SA meeting! Best part, it was Women's Only! 

The first day I committed to attending an ARP group, I was filled with a lot of worry. This morning's experience was no different--I dreamt all night long about the meeting, getting lost trying to find the meeting, not making it to the meeting, and altogether trying to avoid the meeting. I worried a lot!!

But luckily, thankfully, God blessed me with the energy and courage to go.

And it was wonderful. 

And now I have a handful of "real life", "face-to-face" contacts EACH OF WHOM VOLUNTEERED THEIR PHONE NUMBERS, and greeted me and welcomed me, and I dare say loved me when they didn't even know me yet. Holy crap!! That happens?

Yes. Yes it does. Hallelujah for my new group.

Werewolf and His Cage

I used to think change was easy for me; that I was easily adaptable. But I do not believe that anymore because I've been able to see how change has affected me in the recent past.

I've been thinking about this upcoming July. It will be a moment of a lot of change:

• Welcoming a 2nd child into our home
• Less Sleep
• Leaving work for a period of time
• Financial change to having only one income
• Preparing to move, and figuring out to where!

These are a few of the things I'm anticipating already. What else do I anticipate as a result of all this change?

• Higher stress
• Less cognitive processing of my emotions
• More knee-jerk emotional reactions
• Baby blues
• I worry about letting down my guard and increasing susceptibility to triggers

I hope that I can continue to reality check shame no matter what. In fact, I hope a lot of things:

•I hope with self awareness right now, I can start building a safety net to catch me in my sadness and/or anxiety, or in whichever emotion I end up experiencing.

• I hope this safety net will provide me with an opportunity to recenter myself and bounce back quickly.

• I hope I will not be as depressed as I anticipate, but that if I am that I will be okay in my depression.

I remember friend, Sidreis texting me a sentence of a werewolf and a cage once. I don't remember the specifics of her analogy, but it resonated with me and this is how I've visualized the analogy ever since: 

Werewolf and His Cage 

(in the context of sex addiction, though applicable to just about anything)

"Werewolf" during the daytime is an okay guy. He is pleasant to be around and strives to be a valuable person to his community. In fact, most people don't even realize he is a Werewolf. However, the man knows during the safe times, the days when he's feeling okay and making the most of his life, he needs to put some effort into building a cage. Yes, things seem fine now but the man knows the full moon will come. So he labors.

When the full moon rises, or the triggers are high, the man locks himself away. He hands over the key to somebody he trusts to unlock it later. He does all of this for safety. While tucked away in his cage Werewolf is safe. The people are safe. He will not hurt them or ravage their homes. And when the sun rises again, the man will overcome the werewolf and he is set free. In fact, because of his labor, he is free, and he can and will feel just fine. 

My safety net = cage. It's not containment. It's protection. It's safety. It's preplanned out of love for myself. And I love me.