I read about people hitting Rock Bottom all the time. I don't know exactly what that feels like and don't believe I've hit it. One of the things about recovery, and my decision to start down this path was to prevent hitting that bottom point, because it sure sounds miserable. I plan on paving the path now hopefully to protect myself from it.
But I think I'm doing this all wrong.
I believe there are generally times when I am motivated and willing to do the work. But, mostly I think my attempts to never hit "rock bottom" is closely related to pride. Rock bottom sounds painful, and I don't want that. Repentance and restitution is painful, and I have kept myself so closed off to feeling chastised even though I know it's a necessary part of the process. I am scared to feel humble.
Today I feel miserable and depressed. I acted out today; it was on my mind the minute I woke up. I tried to fight it, but I don't really know how. And even though I told myself that this time I wasn't going to let the shame in, that this was going to be a shame-free ride, it came. It always does. Bring me a bottle of pills.
I don't think you have to hit those pointy rocks at the bottom to recognize it's there. Sometimes I think I know I hit mine but then have days of big slip ups so I don't feel like I have progressed. I think you are for sure on the right path.
ReplyDeleteYes, rock bottoms are painful but let me tell you... they can be sooo good too. At times I get so prideful and I know I am and I don't know how to get out of it so I will pray for the Lord to humble me. I love how you said you are scared to feel humble... I think that translates to you are scared to feel vulnerable which is completely understandable. It takes time and patience... and trying again and again and again.
ReplyDeleteThe Lord loves you. He isn't mad at you. You can get through this. He just wants you to be sorry and keep going.:-)
Love you!