Why women should wear make up. BS.

About 3 years ago I was caught up in a conversation with a friend in which she was telling me about her uncle's affairs and how her aunt was still married to him. I don't remember the exact nature of our conversation, but I do remember one thing she said--the biggest lie I've ever heard: "Well, you know, I've heard that the wife needs to take some accountability for affairs, too. It's her job to keep the man interested; keep herself well put together and make sure his needs are met, if you know what I mean."

And do you know what I did? 

I nodded my head right along with her. I'd never heard that lie philosophy before and agreed there must be some truth to it.

Actually, that conversation stayed in my head for quite some time. It wasn't too long after when I started pursuing an inappropriate relationship and I admit using her story as justification for my own actions at times--as if my flirting was somehow my husband's fault because he didn't fulfill a certain need for me.

Fast forward three years and a whole-lotta-change-of-perspective later, and this friend is on my couch. Our sons are now 5-years-old and playing quite well together. We had plenty of time just to talk and somehow our conversation turned to women in our church culture. She expressed how she felt there is a lot of pressure for women to remain well kept, to wear make-up, always have their hair done and look their best. I could sense where this conversation was going, and sure enough she got to her point which was: Because it's the woman's responsibility to keep her spouse interested.

I don't know that I've ever said a mean word in front of this gal in my life, but on my couch that day, in front of our sons, the word bullshit shot out quite impulsively. 

That shut her up for a minute.

 I wondered if I should tell her my experience; I decided against that. But I wished so badly that my life could be a more open book than it is; free of judgement. That she could see all of me, where my perspective was coming from. That she could hear, straight from someone who has put her husband through that hell, that it was in no way his fault. That I am accountable for my actions. And that no sexual act, pretty body or well-dressed day would've realistically prevented that. 

But mostly I felt sorry for her. As she began breaking down why she even believed that philosophy so wholeheartedly she described to me how her mom was always well aware of every break-up/divorce in their ward and the family. She heard the gossip and her mom constantly pointing her finger at the woman, assessing her hygiene and hair-dos to determine whether it was truly just the man's fault or not. As a result, she has raised a daughter who is now so terribly wrapped up in keeping herself as impossibly perfect as she can all in a vain effort to keep her husband's eyes from wandering. Oh my dear friend. I wish I would've called that bullshit three years ago.