Engaging in the addiction only brings despair

I love journaling but sometimes I just don't want to litter and overwhelm the pages with details of my addiction. So I'm grateful for this outlet. Today's entry I'm going to try to breakdown some of my behaviors and thoughts before acting out and after.

It's been 40 days meeting my bottom line. But then...

Two days ago, I dropped my son off at preschool. I'm home alone. I have my routine: eat breakfast, shower,  turn on the heater, get a blanket and do my scripture reading. Well somewhere in this mix I felt the itch. I don't know if I had hopped on my phone, I'm sure I was done with my scripture reading at this point, and was now being idle--not really engaging in productive or constructive activities. My mood was depressed--I had felt extremely irritable and depressed the day before and had expressed that to my husband the day before. He was immensely kind and accommodating to me. At a moment where I didn't express any love in return, he just loved me. Those depressed thoughts still lingered though, I thought for sure I must be pmsing

 Anyway, the itch took forefront of my mind. I wondered, "should I text anyone?" I didn't want to. And for the first time in many weeks I realized my better half was not winning nor really talking me out of this. I fixated on the thought so much. I wanted to feel it again; I remembered it felt good, but it had been so long it seemed. And at that point I blocked out everything else---even time couldn't compete--I masturbated till I was satisfied and then had to rush out the door to pick up my son. My phone had k9 browser now, but I was still able to recall enough visual junk that it didn't seem to make a difference whether I was literally seeing it with my eyes or not.

I feel so sick just writing this. I feel like a disgusting individual.

Yesterday I was at work all day. I've done really poorly on my dailies this week and I'm sure that made me more susceptible to relapse. As my therapist says "doing dailies is like when the rubber meets the road." I avoid praying because of all the feelings of self worth or the lack thereof. How am I going to repent--again? How can I ask for blessings when really I am desiring to dwell with apathetic feelings. Prayer seems useless unless in willing to be a humble individual.

I came to the conclusion last night that I truly am a selfish individual. My husband has still been so kind and loving toward me. He created a safe enough spot that I even told him about me masturbating. It was a beautiful discussion. But the next day when I was feeling somewhat better, I still didn't return any favors of love or simple gratitude. I selfishly want it and expect it from him, but am not willing to go the extra mile to return the favor.

Today--didn't pray. I did sort of before reading my scriptures. I enjoyed my reading. I got ready for the day. Made some phone calls. And then I was on Facebook - imagine that. And got caught up in watching a survivor clip and then once again idleness just ensued. The itch didn't really return this time, but the thought of looking at pornography came first this time. There's this brief moment--indescribable-where I can gage the amount of resistance I will give to a thought. This one just seemed to be like a command in the computer system and I just followed my orders. I didn't fight it. I just switched websites. And that was my first viewing experience on my home computer. I thought that was safe--since I'd never done it before. Pshaw.

Almost immediately I recognized the impulsive desire I have to go spend money we don't have. This happens regularly. Thought behind this impulse: I've already screwed up! I don't care anymore! Budget goes out the window.

As I walked to the park today, my son grabbed my hand and that was the first time in a while that I remember that icky feeling of disgust and that he shouldn't touch me. And it's a huge reminder of this double life I'm trying to lead.

A lot of hopelessness surrounds me. Discouragement. I want to quit doing the things that matter most, like somehow that will take away the discouragement--but I know it won't. Even stupid things like I want to quit my calling--because then I won't have to deal with that responsibility. But really, I don't. I want those opportunities. I need them. And I need to pray. I just don't know what to say.