It's titled "on being worthy" by elder Ashton in 1989.
Several things stood out to me and intrigued me that I listened to it again. And then again. What wasn't I getting? I compulsively replayed it and read along with it--I knew there was some application to his beautiful words that I was having a difficult time, well, applying.
forgive me if I misquote but here are the principles that stood out to me again and again:
• we are our own worst judge. Sometimes it's necessary to involve a third party in helping us judge our worthiness.
• some people have grown comfortable with their unworthiness
• sometimes there is a need for us to be chastised or corrected in a spirit of love and hope
I met with Bishop and told him about my recent slips and then unexpectedly he began pointing out some changes he saw in me already just in the way I reported my slips. I must say I disagreed with his favorable viewing of me because in my mind: I certainly wasn't worthy of his compliments.
And then he began to talk about the goal of getting back to temple. He said, "Lets shoot for the beginning of June." If I had had any liquid in my mouth at that very moment, it would've spit all over him and out my nose at the same time.
"What?!?!?!?!? You're talking like June 2014, right?"
He shook his head. He was serious.
And my thoughts were, Bishop, you have way too much faith in me. You have faith in me? It shook me. Literally, I began shaking.
What was I feeling? Why was I so uncomfortable? I hadn't lied to him; I'm not deceiving my way back to the temple. I want to go there. Why don't I have as much faith in myself? What is he seeing in me that I'm not seeing in myself?
I voiced my concern over setting a date and then "white knuckling" my way to that point; he understood. Instead he asked me if we can start with a limited use recommend. He wants me to go with two new converts in our ward and do baptisms with them. The excitement began to replace the discomfort. Hope poured into my soul. I went home on the brink of tears. Hope was back; something I thought was so unattainable is within my grasp!
I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. I may or may not have talked to myself. ;) Bishop believes you are worthy enough to get a recommend. Elder Ashton's talk came to remembrance--trust what your bishop sees in you. Oh my goodness, was my next thought, I am comfortable in my state of self-proclaimed unworthiness! Elder Ashton wasn't kidding! I am shaking and fearful because I am actually scared to be "worthy" again!!!
But after acknowledging that fear, I was overpowered by excitement! Now, my spirit inside me is jumping for joy. I am ready to hang up a picture of the temple at my bedside, in my car and at work. I want to do everything I can to be that person my Savior sees me to be. I recognize I will still have my downs, but that I can continue to cushion those falls with working my recovery and utilizing all these tools I have obtained, and that I can be proactive and get back to doing what I need to do to keep my heart turned towards my Savior. My dear Bishop, I love you! I still think you are crazy to say three weeks, but I'll take it. Today I am really, really looking forward to the temple.
My journaling didn't do justice to what I was feeling so like a 6-yr-old I expressed by drawing.
What was I feeling? Why was I so uncomfortable? I hadn't lied to him; I'm not deceiving my way back to the temple. I want to go there. Why don't I have as much faith in myself? What is he seeing in me that I'm not seeing in myself?
I voiced my concern over setting a date and then "white knuckling" my way to that point; he understood. Instead he asked me if we can start with a limited use recommend. He wants me to go with two new converts in our ward and do baptisms with them. The excitement began to replace the discomfort. Hope poured into my soul. I went home on the brink of tears. Hope was back; something I thought was so unattainable is within my grasp!
I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. I may or may not have talked to myself. ;) Bishop believes you are worthy enough to get a recommend. Elder Ashton's talk came to remembrance--trust what your bishop sees in you. Oh my goodness, was my next thought, I am comfortable in my state of self-proclaimed unworthiness! Elder Ashton wasn't kidding! I am shaking and fearful because I am actually scared to be "worthy" again!!!
But after acknowledging that fear, I was overpowered by excitement! Now, my spirit inside me is jumping for joy. I am ready to hang up a picture of the temple at my bedside, in my car and at work. I want to do everything I can to be that person my Savior sees me to be. I recognize I will still have my downs, but that I can continue to cushion those falls with working my recovery and utilizing all these tools I have obtained, and that I can be proactive and get back to doing what I need to do to keep my heart turned towards my Savior. My dear Bishop, I love you! I still think you are crazy to say three weeks, but I'll take it. Today I am really, really looking forward to the temple.
~Hopeful in Seattle.
I totally love you:-)
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I know exactly how you feel. And I want to thank you and Sidreis for inspiring me to start my own blog about my journey. You both have had a powerful effect on me even though I have only come to know your blogs this morning.
ReplyDeleteCheers :)
I went through a similar struggle when returning the the Temple recently after a relapse. I was so terrified, even after meeting with the Bishop and getting my recommend back. When I got to the Temple and sat down to do initiatories I saw that one of the names was a man who lived in my favorite area of my mission. As I read his name ans saw where he was from, peace settled over me and I realized that I was exactly where the Lord wanted me to be and that the feelings of fear and unworthiness were coming from Satan. It was an important reminder for me. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI am going through the same emotions and questions and doubts right now. I met with my bishop this past week and he said practically the same thing. One difference he said to me though was that he did not want to put a time frame on when I go back because the first thing he wants me to do is to pray and ask the Savior if He wants me to go back to the temple (I am struggling with that question) and ask him when the time is right. I recently had a slip too and do not feel worthy to go back. The bishop said it is out of his hands now, as he feels I am ready and it is now in the Savior's hands and my hands. I thought that was interesting way for him to encourage me to continue to prepare for my temple recommend. If it is right, I know the Savior will let me know. That is what I am counting on. Thanks for writing this post....so comforting to know I am not alone in how I am feeling about the temple. I am going to read that talk by Elder Ashton tonight.
ReplyDeleteAh, i know the feeling as well. WE put so much emphasis on the sobriety date. I think worthiness can require either much more time or alot less than WE think. I hope you keep working recovery a day at a time...all things fall into place when we do that.
ReplyDeleteWhoa.... I remember those feelings....
ReplyDeleteAaaw, I think you're great. I love this post, I love your bishop, I love you, and I love your drawing!! Keep us posted!
Best. Drawing. EVER! I'm close, too. July. Maybe sooner. I can't wait. I gotta make it. :)
ReplyDelete