lost

I am so sad right now.

I feel very lost.

I feel surrounded by failure. That I am a failure. That I am going to fail. So much of this is for naught.

I've had my sister with us all week, and she's such a bright and cheery person. And I'd like to say I feel inspired by her and had an enjoyable time, but mostly I felt like I was running to keep up a facade. I put so much energy into trying to patch any hole she might see into my life that my marriage is not as happy as hers. That my relationship with my husband sucks. I didn't want her to see any of my internet history and be able to see that I read LDS addiction blogs. I didn't want her to come across my therapy binders or my SA white book.

I really struggled to be real and authentic with her. And I think that is what is bothering me so much right now. That has left me vulnerable to a spiraling down of depression. I don't know. I don't get it.

When she left I was full of so many mixed feelings; I wish so badly that she didn't have to leave, because I love her and want her influence in my life. Yet I felt relief because I'm done with the cover-up-ing and the humiliation.

I felt so humiliated often this weekend. Normally the things I hear and the conversations that happen between my hubby and I are just what they are, and I deal with them. But this weekend they stood out to me (and I'm sure to her) as unhealthy, dysfunctional and without love. I struggle to speak care to him as he does to me. I feel lonely in a place where I expect to feel love. I'm sure he feels the exact same way. And this leaves me hopeless. What do we do? How can we possibly undo everything that's been done? I feel very lost.

Slip Justifications

Wanna know a phrase that I just hate? That slips are meant to be part of recovery. Or that slips are an important part of recovery. Or that no one goes through recovery without a slip.

I believe that most of the time, phrases similar to this are spoken after a slip in an effort to minimize shame or help the addict "feel better."

Okay, okay, it may be true that there hasn't been one single person who has started recovery and never had a slip, but telling me that slips are part of the process is JUST WHAT THE ADDICT WANTS TO HEAR!

When I hear that, I feel like I've been given permission to toy with my triggers; to play with them a little bit because I'm gonna slip eventually, right?

But the reality is: slipping is not part of my plan. It may happen, but I'm not going to justify it as necessary to my recovery. I know now that I can't give myself grace when I slip. It's Jesus Christ who offers me grace. What He asks in return is a commitment of my whole life, mind and soul and to be changed through Him.

So I guess in a one sentence summation: Slipping is not an essential part of the process. Getting up and asking for God's Grace, is.

A lesson on over sharing

I keep thinking I need to delete my blog. Like--put whatever energy I'm putting into it into something  else instead. Just a random intro thought...

If you've been following my last couple of posts, then this will make more sense. I reached out to my therapist last night and we had a phone session today which was the best. So much honesty and clarity. I am pro therapy-no joke! No matter how much I study addiction and try to learn about it, when I'm in my cycle I'm certain I've got blinders up. I need people on the outside to snap me out of it!

I told her about sharing my most recent trigger with my husband. Luckily I have a friend (WoPA) who taught me that I've had time to process thru what I have and that when I expose something, it's brand new to my spouse and I need to now give him the time (maybe weeks) to process what I've shared. 

Well, I didn't do so hot at giving him much time. And I also wasn't sure I shared in "the best way", but I shared. I tried. I knew I had to do it, and so I'm reminding myself my intentions were good.

But my therapist confirmed that I may have overshared, indeed. And that I probably really triggered my husband. She affirmed that it will be okay on both ends, just that I need to let him process it and be respectful of it. She also affirmed to me that my attempt to share in the best and most honest way proves I am fighting for recovery.

"So how do I share next time," I asked? I don't want to use the excuse that I might over share, to not share at all! That's what the addict wants me to do! Her tips, at least in this particular circumstance were:

1) Share that you are feeling triggered
2) Share that you are reaching out because you want to break the cycle
3) Then share what action steps you are taking (who you're reaching out to, accountability partners and dailies). 

My husband will likely still feel triggered, and may ask for more details but at least he will be asking because he feels ready to handle more information. She also talked about the spouse (in her experience) often struggles with upset and anxious feelings, but strangely it is typically followed up with a sense of relief and safety knowing their spouse didn't keep it a secret.

I really liked that. And hope its true. I'm calming down. I'm coming clean. I'll be continuing to make some more action steps tomorrow and likely making phone calls the rest of the week. I am not through this cycle yet. I will not boast. One day at a time...

Action Steps and the procrastination thereof

a follow up to my last post:

Finally found some clarity after what seemed like way too long just being stuck in my own head. That dream was a big trigger for me, but it was primarily a slap in the face to get my life in order (again).

Again.

And I'm still working on that piece. Working on cultivating courage to have what I think are going to be hard conversations. Specifically with my hubs. They are only hard because it seems anything to do with communicating real feelings is hard. Things are just so inconsistent. Sometimes we have really good, deep shares but then long periods of time of nothing.

But mostly, those last few sentences are just justifications to not have the conversations that I feel I need to have.

I'm good at justifying; at believing more things are out of my control than in it. But what it really boils down to is: I don't want to take action. I'd rather sit in my current state, and hope that everything will just remain okay. But there's work to be done. Boundaries to redefine. Safety nets to put into place.

I met with my bishop today. I just put it out there. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a legitimate reason to be there unless I've legitimately done something: slipped or relapsed. But like I said in my last post, it's the little things! And I had to push through a lot of shame to reach out to him in my current state--to say, "I'm struggling with stuff. But it's all in my head. But here's what is in my head anyway. Please just hear me. Please understand me. Please lead me to my Savior because I'm having a hard time wanting to find Him on my own. Help me want to want Him. Help me to want Recovery."

I feel I walked away still clearly knowing what my next step needs to be. But still clearly fighting it. Well I've proven one thing: I'm a fighter, I just can't always tell for which side. Haha.

Over and out.

Tug Of War

I'm in my cycle.

I don't know if that's the right terminology, but it seems like that's what my therapist would say.

There's just little things that keep standing out to me--instances where I let my guard down. Rather, I let a thought stay. Or, find excitement/thrill from it, rather than a desire to push it away from me.

That being said, I can't pinpoint much of anything    like... how serious this is.

But, really that doesn't matter because anything...any. little. thing. is a step towards disrupting my peace & sobriety. And I don't want that. Every time it's these little things that build up and all of the sudden I look back and realize I've created something huge. Got to manage the little things.

Triggering, power-holding dream last week. I couldn't stop thinking about this dream for days. I didn't reach out to one person. Nope. Then I finally went to the SA meeting and just shared about it some, but with little relief. I felt how much power this dream had over me. It was so true to something that can actually happen in reality, that I realized I could truly make it a reality. And not only that, I wanted to!

But then of course, I don't want to!!

So I am back in the game of tug-of-war with myself. And one of me is going to win.

I think I'd best get back into seeing my therapist to break it down with complete honesty. It's not enough for me to just share it in a group setting. I need someone to get to the gutsy interior with me.

SA Club: No Boys Allowed!

Today I did something I haven't done in a very, very long time: I got out of bed at 7am!!

I also did something I have never done before: Attended an SA meeting! Best part, it was Women's Only! 

The first day I committed to attending an ARP group, I was filled with a lot of worry. This morning's experience was no different--I dreamt all night long about the meeting, getting lost trying to find the meeting, not making it to the meeting, and altogether trying to avoid the meeting. I worried a lot!!

But luckily, thankfully, God blessed me with the energy and courage to go.

And it was wonderful. 

And now I have a handful of "real life", "face-to-face" contacts EACH OF WHOM VOLUNTEERED THEIR PHONE NUMBERS, and greeted me and welcomed me, and I dare say loved me when they didn't even know me yet. Holy crap!! That happens?

Yes. Yes it does. Hallelujah for my new group.

Werewolf and His Cage

I used to think change was easy for me; that I was easily adaptable. But I do not believe that anymore because I've been able to see how change has affected me in the recent past.

I've been thinking about this upcoming July. It will be a moment of a lot of change:

• Welcoming a 2nd child into our home
• Less Sleep
• Leaving work for a period of time
• Financial change to having only one income
• Preparing to move, and figuring out to where!

These are a few of the things I'm anticipating already. What else do I anticipate as a result of all this change?

• Higher stress
• Less cognitive processing of my emotions
• More knee-jerk emotional reactions
• Baby blues
• I worry about letting down my guard and increasing susceptibility to triggers

I hope that I can continue to reality check shame no matter what. In fact, I hope a lot of things:

•I hope with self awareness right now, I can start building a safety net to catch me in my sadness and/or anxiety, or in whichever emotion I end up experiencing.

• I hope this safety net will provide me with an opportunity to recenter myself and bounce back quickly.

• I hope I will not be as depressed as I anticipate, but that if I am that I will be okay in my depression.

I remember friend, Sidreis texting me a sentence of a werewolf and a cage once. I don't remember the specifics of her analogy, but it resonated with me and this is how I've visualized the analogy ever since: 

Werewolf and His Cage 

(in the context of sex addiction, though applicable to just about anything)

"Werewolf" during the daytime is an okay guy. He is pleasant to be around and strives to be a valuable person to his community. In fact, most people don't even realize he is a Werewolf. However, the man knows during the safe times, the days when he's feeling okay and making the most of his life, he needs to put some effort into building a cage. Yes, things seem fine now but the man knows the full moon will come. So he labors.

When the full moon rises, or the triggers are high, the man locks himself away. He hands over the key to somebody he trusts to unlock it later. He does all of this for safety. While tucked away in his cage Werewolf is safe. The people are safe. He will not hurt them or ravage their homes. And when the sun rises again, the man will overcome the werewolf and he is set free. In fact, because of his labor, he is free, and he can and will feel just fine. 

My safety net = cage. It's not containment. It's protection. It's safety. It's preplanned out of love for myself. And I love me.

People change

Some people might learn about what I've done in my life and easily sneer and judge, "You are a bad person." But I know differently. I know I've made bad choices, but I also know without a doubt I'm of worth. I know my heart and mind and intentions as of today. I rejoice over grace and the gift of repentance. Perhaps God will send me to hell in the end, but I don't know that. And honestly, to go through life believing in that sounds miserable!!!

I'd rather live believing that no matter what happens, God will still greet me with a giant hug even if I can't stay with Him. But because I can only imagine love in our reuniting I'm inspired to move forward, continue to stay on guard, and find ways to help and love others.

I am a changeable person. Where I am now isn't a reflection of the person I've necessarily always been or always will be. That's hope.

Leaning into joy and later disappointment, and I'm still okay

This post really has no direct correlation to addiction, but this is a good place to journal some thoughts and my personal breakdown and experience with vulnerability, and of leaning into discomfort and joy. Yet, it very much is related to addiction because I would've never delved so deeply into these topics had it not been for propelling numbing and addictive behaviors that I have been trying to understand.

Brene' Brown teaches me not to rob myself of joy with the "what if's" (at least that's how I think of it). I practiced that when I took a positive pregnancy test in October. *This* was a joyous moment for me, or at least I suspected it should be, but within moments of actually accepting the reality of what I was looking at on my bathroom counter the "what ifs" began to enter into my mind:

"What if he/she isn't healthy?"

"You can't/shouldn't tell anyone because you might miscarry." Essentially everything that could possibly go wrong knocked at my door. But I refused to let them settle. Why? Because they were robbing me of my joy! And although feeling that level of joy was somewhat uncomfortable and unfamiliar, I embraced it.

I embraced overwhelming joy and happiness in that moment.

But today I feel the opposite of joy. I haven't been shy in letting others know I hope for a girl. Did I know there was a chance for a boy? Of course I did. But I wasn't going to bury my reality of hope for a girl just because it could be a boy. I let myself feel hope. I allowed myself to dream and imagine life with a girl.

Only my son attended the ultrasound with me this morning. When the tech told us 1/2 way through, "It's a boy!" my response was, "Bummer." My son's was more excited, "Yes! I always guess right. Like this morning, when I guessed which elevator door was going to open, I guessed that right, too!"

The tech continued her work and I lay there silently, disappointedly. I honestly didn't anticipate how deeply the disappointment would settle if I learned it was a boy. Tears began to form. I didn't cry an ugly cry, in fact I'm sure the tech didn't even notice the few tears that ran down my cheeks. I felt a whole range of emotions, and exerted my energy into identifying them (in my head, of course) as the tech finished her measurements.

I felt shame knocking at my door ready to tell me, "How selfish of you to not be grateful for a boy", or "You're disappointed that you're having a boy? Some people can't even get pregnant. How dare you..." But I refused to let shame settle. Instead I decided to feel empathy for myself. I let compassion in. I reminded myself how it was okay to be disappointed and how proud I am of myself to let myself be vulnerable throughout this pregnancy thus far.

That's not to say I wasn't happy when the appointment was finally over. I went to Starbucks in the lobby to impulsively buy a hot chocolate. It was my attempt to numb at least some of the sadness. We browsed the baby shops and seriously the girl selection was way better than the boy's. Sadness overwhelmed me again. I just let it. I did come across some cute adorable baby bow ties, though! "This just might do it," I thought, "I will be able to get excited about a boy eventually."

I will be getting this boy a freakin' adorable bow tie eventually, just not one from the hospital that costs $26. It will stand as my reminder that embracing vulnerability is the way to wholehearted living. And that's one of the biggest things I want to teach my sons--to know who they are, to know they are worthy of love and belonging and to live life wholeheartedly.

Depression is a disease of civilization: Stephen Ilardi at TEDxEmory

Worth the share.

Disciplinary Councils

Have you ever gone through a disciplinary council? Why did you do it? (Not like...what landed you there, but why did you choose to have the DC).

Did you trust your bishop? Even moreso, did you trust his counselors (and, oh yah, the exec secretary who gets to join in for some odd reason)?

Perhaps I'm gawking at the order of the church right now, because I don't find it fair that I should have to share such personal information with mostly people that I don't know OR trust! I don't even feel like my Bishop really shows up for me, but when I say that, the shame gremlins enter my head. 

Shame Gremlin: You deserve none of his time. He's so busy helping other people.

Shame Gremlin: He cancels and reschedules on you a lot because you are not worth it.

Shame Gremlin: He doesn't care about you.

They're there. And they hurt. And although some of them gremlins I can logically walk away from other ones keep getting reinforced. I wouldn't say I don't like my bishop, but I don't like him as my bishop, right now.

And so then when it comes to thinking about being involved with a DC with him as the head of the meeting, I cringe. You don't care about me. I am not just a "process to go through". This is my life! This is my story--real, raw and even humiliating. I don't just attach my name to it with anyone--they need to earn my vulnerability. 

But unfortunately, I feel like I have to do it. If I want to go to the temple again...I have to endure this. I have to tell complete strangers my faults, so they can sit there and pretend like they care. But I don't believe them. AM I WRONG TO WANT THEM TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME AS A PERSON BEFORE A DC? 

Shame and Grace

These are two principles that I believe have created a positive turning point for me:

1) Recognizing shame

You have no idea how many times I have to advise myself, "Stop beating yourself up." For years over any given situation, shame could knock at my door and generally make its way into my soul. I can now recognize it's knocks, bolt the door and walk away. 

2) Learning more about Grace
I am so thankful for grace which allows me to admit I didn't meet up to my potential, and that I can try again.

If you haven't watched this yet, please do: http://a12stepjournal.blogspot.com/2013/08/brad-wilcox-his-grace-is-sufficient.html

I especially like his analogy about the parent paying the piano teacher for the piano lessons for his/her child. The child can only "pay back that debt" by practicing, and becoming better. Afterall, that's all the parent hopes for!

And does the piano teacher kick the child out as soon as he/she plays a wrong note? No! He asks that you try again, too. Practice! Practice! Practice!

A dream

So ever since my husband started reading my blog, I've become far less interested in posting. I can't really label why, but I do know that knowing who is reading my blog and then potentially seeing them in person after posting something, can set me up for feeling ashamed for what I posted. (Did you follow that?)

I really have to think about my motives behind posting what I am, I guess.

A few weeks back or more, I had a dream: I was at work getting a male patient set up for his appointment, when he started making inappropriate comments. At first in my dream, I ignored him and didn't give him the response I assumed he desired, but he was persistent with his flirting and eventually my brain just latched to what he was saying and I started responding flirtatiously back. The dream was short lived, however it held strong energy. Ironically, while I was eliciting some of my addictive behaviors, I was likewise struggling with my better-self; the part of me who knows who I am, and knows that engaging in this behavior is taking me away from becoming who I want to become.

Still in a dream state, I withdrew from him and began to pray. Heavenly Father, forgive me! Please relieve me of these feelings! Please! I don't want to do this!!! As dream's energy sometimes does, I woke up from that dream with the feelings and guilt so raw and intense, I continued to pray in my (somewhat) awake state. I was relieved that this was just a dream, but petrified at what I had chosen to do, nevertheless. A message burned inside of me: Don't think you are well, just because you've been feeling well. You are still very vulnerable to your addiction, and it can snag you in an instant. You must always stay on guard. 

I feel that God granted me the peace that I was seeking that morning. I felt He helped erase images from my dream (and the feelings associated with them) from my memory as well. But the message carried through to my heart; always stay on guard.

I don't know if it was coincidental, or if my dream just put me on edge to be wary of any male who walked through work's door the following day, but one certainly came in who was.....well, different. Everything about his body language, the way he hung around the office (after his appointment was over) made me uncomfortable.  He even came back into the office after leaving, just because he had more questions.

Ugh, it wasn't like my dream, but I couldn't help but believe if God hadn't blessed me with that message, that I would've been oblivious to all of this and probably engaged more with him than neccessary. Instead, because I was determined to stay on guard and remember my weakness, I either defaulted to making my coworker answer his questions and me leaving the room, or just giving him the answer and not following up to get more information (bad customer service?)

I have recognized for myself that to have a weakness isn't bad. I've thought of the analogy of the hen who opens her wings, inviting her chicks to come under them for safety. I've been more diligently trying to keep that image in mind and to catch myself when I am choosing to wander from the safety of His wings. My weaknesses will only hurt me when I choose to leave the safety of my Savior. Like the scriptures say,  "...if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."