Action Steps and the procrastination thereof

a follow up to my last post:

Finally found some clarity after what seemed like way too long just being stuck in my own head. That dream was a big trigger for me, but it was primarily a slap in the face to get my life in order (again).

Again.

And I'm still working on that piece. Working on cultivating courage to have what I think are going to be hard conversations. Specifically with my hubs. They are only hard because it seems anything to do with communicating real feelings is hard. Things are just so inconsistent. Sometimes we have really good, deep shares but then long periods of time of nothing.

But mostly, those last few sentences are just justifications to not have the conversations that I feel I need to have.

I'm good at justifying; at believing more things are out of my control than in it. But what it really boils down to is: I don't want to take action. I'd rather sit in my current state, and hope that everything will just remain okay. But there's work to be done. Boundaries to redefine. Safety nets to put into place.

I met with my bishop today. I just put it out there. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a legitimate reason to be there unless I've legitimately done something: slipped or relapsed. But like I said in my last post, it's the little things! And I had to push through a lot of shame to reach out to him in my current state--to say, "I'm struggling with stuff. But it's all in my head. But here's what is in my head anyway. Please just hear me. Please understand me. Please lead me to my Savior because I'm having a hard time wanting to find Him on my own. Help me want to want Him. Help me to want Recovery."

I feel I walked away still clearly knowing what my next step needs to be. But still clearly fighting it. Well I've proven one thing: I'm a fighter, I just can't always tell for which side. Haha.

Over and out.