lost

I am so sad right now.

I feel very lost.

I feel surrounded by failure. That I am a failure. That I am going to fail. So much of this is for naught.

I've had my sister with us all week, and she's such a bright and cheery person. And I'd like to say I feel inspired by her and had an enjoyable time, but mostly I felt like I was running to keep up a facade. I put so much energy into trying to patch any hole she might see into my life that my marriage is not as happy as hers. That my relationship with my husband sucks. I didn't want her to see any of my internet history and be able to see that I read LDS addiction blogs. I didn't want her to come across my therapy binders or my SA white book.

I really struggled to be real and authentic with her. And I think that is what is bothering me so much right now. That has left me vulnerable to a spiraling down of depression. I don't know. I don't get it.

When she left I was full of so many mixed feelings; I wish so badly that she didn't have to leave, because I love her and want her influence in my life. Yet I felt relief because I'm done with the cover-up-ing and the humiliation.

I felt so humiliated often this weekend. Normally the things I hear and the conversations that happen between my hubby and I are just what they are, and I deal with them. But this weekend they stood out to me (and I'm sure to her) as unhealthy, dysfunctional and without love. I struggle to speak care to him as he does to me. I feel lonely in a place where I expect to feel love. I'm sure he feels the exact same way. And this leaves me hopeless. What do we do? How can we possibly undo everything that's been done? I feel very lost.