Sunday in Seattle

Never before in my life have I been more aware of my addictive behaviors, their rooting or the shame that I feel because them. It's all front and center. I want so badly to be good. But I now realize how attached I am to everything this addiction entails for me. I always have said I wanted it gone, but a big part of me is having a hard time losing it; forsaking it. To forsake it is to change the way I've dealt and done things for my entire life.

And that is a huge task to undertake.

Yesterday, I was surrounded with discouragement. I believe one of the adversary's tactics is to get me discouraged. I believe my brothers and sisters in this addiction probably understand what I am feeling above. But, outside of that realm I have felt discouraged that no one understands.

But then....

Circumstances happen today and I get the opportunity to go visit my former ward in Seattle. I looked forward to seeing old friends. Our RS president was teaching the lesson, and every word she spoke were sweet answers to what I have been thinking about the last two days. She talked about discipleship, and BECOMING. Her words: We're all becoming something--whether it's on purpose or by accident. 

But what really stood out was a comment by a gal who moved in after I left. She raises her hand and shared a short comment--summarized:

"I used to have an eating disorder and it became bad enough that I went in-patient at a facility. After some time, I reached a point where I knew I had to make a change. No one else could make that change for me. I knew it. But what I discovered is that I wanted to change, but I also wanted what I was still doing." 

SHE UNDERSTANDS! That's all I could think as she spoke.....she gets it!! She understands that exact head-spin I find myself experiencing right now. And for some reason, my own burden felt lighter by realizing that someone outside of the S.A. realm can understand this sort of predicament. 

As this realization (that I can't keep my addiction and become who I want to be) has become more apparent, I find myself regularly asking, "Is there any other way? Is there an easier way? Is there a less painful way? Can I keep *these* character traits and just change *those*?" I keep searching and searching for the other way---it must be somewhere right? My answer to these question came during Sacrament meeting. 

Today was Fast and Testimony meeting and after a very spiritually enriching meeting my former bishop got up to bare his testimony. His final words were:
"...sometimes we just have to go through our obstacles--no, not around them, not over them, through them." And that message was like putting up a big flashy sign in front of me that could not be missed, "SEATTLE, YOU CAN'T GET AROUND THIS. YOU ARE EITHER GOING THROUGH IT, OR YOU'RE NOT. DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL BECOME."

And that's where I am at. I need to pray. Please pray for me to feel the spirit of recovery again. Because despite these wonderful moments that remind me there is one way to be happy, my addiction is overwhelmingly strong and I don't want to let it go. 

I am soooo happy that I visited that ward. I am thankful that the Lord graces me with gentle guidance and surrounds me with good people. He cares about me. I know He does.