i am awake. slightly blue. i feel a little consumed in my own thoughts. i feel like i'm looking at the mountain i'm climbing and that overwhelms me. what do i need to do now? God, help me just focus on what i can do today.
I've have a very good week. Last Saturday I looked at some of my eating habits through the eyes of addiction and finally committed to eliminating certain junk foods out of my diet. This method I chose seems to be much more successful for me than ever before, and possibly because I've been using the tools in my addiction toolbelt that I've never had in the past. But I also realize some motivation comes from body image issues/fears. That motivation is not sustainable.
Wednesday...ARP was no good for me. I'm immensely triggered when I am there and it seems to escalate with every meeting. I finally spoke with my therapist. He heard me, probed for more and encouraged me at a minimum to attend a different ARP group for a while if I am not willing to stop going completely for a while. I am back to praying for an all women's group. I have hope that it will happen......someday.
Yesterday was a day with some emotions that I still haven't untangled triggered by being someone close to me's birthday. However, we aren't that close anymore....but I wish we were.....but perhaps its better that we aren't.
Then I saw some old friends, probably stayed out way too late, and I visited with a angel-friend of mine. She is amazing. I appreciate her and her perspective and that she has allowed me to share this piece of my life that does fill me with a lot of shame. I do so many things wrong, but I need to focus on the things I am doing right, and do those things better. Everyone closest to me is being affected. I look at my 5 year old son. I pray he is strong and I can help him appreciate and recognize his divine nature. I look at my husband. How did we get where we are? I wish so badly I could turn back the clock and start over. But, I can't.
Instead I'll pray again: what can I do today?
It's so hard because we expect instant improvement. I think it's because we hear and read so many miracle stories. Jesus heals someone instantly! Someone has cancer and gets a blessing and is healed! WHY can't He do that for me?
ReplyDeleteI think our Savior is teaching us moment by moment, line upon line. It's not an instant fix. It's a process. It took years for me to become this way, I can't change back in week. I'm still going through the process. There are still bad days! BUT I'm relying on my Savior. And I know even on the bad days, the days when I feel like I'm a horrible person, HE IS STILL THERE. He hasn't given up on me. Have you read Pres Uchtdorf's talk from this last Conference Priesthood session? Read it! It really helped me. We don't get angry at a toddler for falling while they are learning to walk. Why would God be mad at us for trying? :) Love you!
This post hit home for me. Thank you for being so honest and open with your feelings. Focusing on our successes and then taking baby steps forward with the things we do have control over will strengthen us. Maybe write down 5 positive things about yourself, or what you did right that day, or your blessings, or your tender mercies at the beginning or the end of the day. This might help "turn your mind" to the important, positive things you are doing. Satan wants us to believe we are worthless and don't do anything right. But he is so wrong. You are a daughter of God and God is with you to help you and bring you closer to Him! He is your biggest cheerleader.
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