I've been thinking alot about ARP this week. Last week I felt depressed when I attended because I recognized how triggering the whole ordeal was, and how I was succumbing to my addiction there. I realized I was no longer going for the right reason. Somewhere in the last few weeks I shifted into going because I enjoyed the attention from a few of the attendees. Dang it!!
I emailed D., my therapist and spilled it all out for him. He advised me at a minimum to start attending a different group and see how it works out for a while. I understood him to mean that perhaps if I was introduced to a new crowd that my focus would be back on the 12-step-program (at least for a while....)
Tonight is ARP. I really, really want to go. But as I think about why I "really, really want to go" the reason is startling clear: To interact with these few guys. To anticipate their arrival. Wonder where they'll sit. Ugh!!!
I can't go.
My whole body depresses as I say that. I have to remind the addict in me that I am not going to feed her and as a result, my whole body can feel her reaction. Obviously this addiction is a big part of me, so even when I'm trying to do what's right, it's not always going to be the most pleasant feeling. At least not immediately.
But I am reminded that recovery is not about having access to ARP. As Sidreis once commented:
"Remember that focusing on recovery is focusing on the Savior."
Yet, I must say I see the benefits of ARP and I'm so, so, so looking forward to my vacation to Utah at the end of this month and a chance to attend an all women's group and see what that's all about!
All women's groups are awesome. But I understand the attention lure. It's an addict thing. I like the suggestion of trying to attend a different group.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. We only have one general addiction group out here, and having women in the group can be really stressful. Do they have all-woman phone-in groups?
ReplyDeleteGood girl:-)
ReplyDeleteAwesome sauce lady!!! That's some hard-core honesty going on there. And yep. Recovery is all about coming closer to the Savior. I love that, thanks for posting it!!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely in awe at your complete honesty, it is the only way we will ever be able to overcome this part of our natures. Thank you for the reminder, this is all about the Saviour. xxx
ReplyDeleteah blast it seems we get no reprieve!! Some days I wish I could move to an island where all the women are hideous. Sometimes just going to church gets my mind going. Yeah, find some phone meetings...
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