Pit of Despair

In my last post I was crying out. In desperation I wanted to scream and be "heard" but I knew it would be no relief to scream in the way I did.

But, I realized something....

That I really do hate my marriage. This is not to be confused with me typing I hate my husband, because that is *NOT* what I am expressing. Sometimes there are good moments, but overall I don't like the marriage we have created.

A saying I came across long ago: "Choose someone to love and love your choice." I believe and know deep in my heart that love is a choice. And making good choices is something I seem completely incapable of doing lately. This clouds my perspective. It sinks me into a pit. I walk in circles typically accompanied by discouragement, depression and despair. Unfortunately, my marriage suffers incredibly when I'm in this pit as it is often accompanied with acting out, isolation and withdrawal.

And this is where I've been....for weeks! I suffer. My relationship suffers. My ability to parent well and with love suffers. The worst part is, I don't even have the desire to do what's necessary to get me out of the pit. I've had people throwing down a ladder showing me the way out but I look at it, shrug my shoulders and say, "Meh. No. I don't want to do the climbing. Is there an easier way? Can't you just pull me out?"

This isn't to say that I don't want to get out or that I like sitting in the muck of hopelessness. No! I hate it! But lately at least, I don't want to engage in the work that I believe is necessary to climb out!

(What does that expose about my character?)

But guess what? God *still* sets me up for success. Things happen, conversations occur, the stars align.....and I feel His love. I feel His comfort. And then I believe in Him (and in myself) all over again. And this love ignites me, and my faith is restored which propels me, and I feel capable, and motivated to just take foothold on the first rung of the ladder again. And I finally did last night.

I don't want to lose this feeling. I don't want to lose this faith again. God, please stay with me. Don't let me forsake Thee again.