Workbook: Phases

I'm currently studying the shame cycle and specifically the control/release phase. LifeStar puts it nicely: ...the shame based person will enter into the shame cycle either by acting out (release phase) or by using compulsive behaviors as a cover up or means of control (control phase). I've learned that the higher stress moments typically means more energy is put into the control phase.

In my experience, without understanding this as a shame cycle phenomenon, I have always referred to this as my Rubberband Snaps! I begin to stretch like a rubberband but eventually I go as far as I can until one end has to give and *snap* the pressure is gone and I'm just a normal relaxed rubberband again. Here are a few examples from my life that I used to refer to as Rubberband Snaps:

Finances
(Control Phase) Things are financially tight with very little wiggle room in the budget. Even purchasing a shirt or a new pair of shoes could compromise not being able to pay a bill. I'd run our numbers accordingly and then restrict myself from any clothing shopping, telling myself that I have plenty or anything else that would talk me out of making the purchase.

(Release Phase) Like clockwork, every third month the financial stress would surmount and I'd just toss aside the budget and spend upwards to $100 on clothes during one trip. Sometimes to relieve myself of some of the guilt, I'd end up returning one item, but this was just the bridge back into the control phase again.

Nutrition
(Control Phase) I am a chocoholic/lover of all things sugary. At one point I started recording the amount of sugar I consumed and determined to do something about it. I read so many books that would surely scare me out of eating sugar again. I measured and kept diaries of my intake. I allowed myself treats but within reason.

(Release Phase) A lousy, depressing day hit and I are markedly more sugar than I had the past six weeks. The amount of shame and hopelessness that I'd ever feel good inside was an unpleasant consequence of this phase.

Sexually
(Control Phase) Sundays are typically my reset button. I make a determination that this week will be better than the one before. My scripture study starts strong, and I have work for the first four days of the week which help buffer me acting inappropriately and keep me distracted.

(Release Phase) My day off rolls around and the playing field is wide open! For the last two months (basically since I've started this process), I have acted out consistently on my day off. And as you can see in my last post (a Friday), I am flooded with shame.

My workbook tells me that recognizing these extremes is the first-step toward breaking the cycle of shame. Lets hope so!

I have one anxiety though, that perhaps just going to my new therapist to learn about sexual addiction, writing this blog, and checking others blogs everyday is its own control phase. I keep imagining this big, looming release monster hiding around a corner and its gonna hop out and consume me.