Chapter Two

Being released from probation was a good thing, in my opinion, because all of the sudden I had the opportunity to take the sacrament. I wasn't going to take it lightly. I journaled about my concerns and anxieties of this moment. I really tried hard to center my thoughts and actions on Christ throughout the following weeks. For a moment, a few weeks, I was doing very well spiritually. I felt fortified and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was going to be able to do this; to stand on my own two feet!

But, temptations were just around the corner.

I started attending my new ward. I was reserved and shy. I focused on just trying to make Sunday a day of worship. I fasted for 3-4 Sundays in a row. I knew if I wanted to keep cultivating the spirit it would need to be a conscious everyday effort. The high desires to read my scriptures daily dwindled but I reminded myself that commitment was continuing after the desires are gone sometimes. I did continue my studies, but obviously wasn't on guard enough. Feelings of loneliness and bitterness and shame were prevalent as I struggled with being involved in my new ward.

Around Feb 7 I became fixated on a thought of pornography. Doing as a I regularly do, I discounted the severity of it, and even though I eventually knew I was caving into that temptation that day, I typed in a general search term that was innocent enough that "I wasn't really looking."

I sought out porn for the first time at age 11. It wasn't my biggest vice, but it was always there on and off throughout my youth. But then I had several years of sobriety from it. I got married and never really desired to look at it. But when a earthquake shook our marriage, I dove right in. I was a mess. An absolute mess. I discounted my actions though as something little, that once I got my spiritual self back in control and focused my attention back on Christ, this ugliness would be suppressed again. Although everyday acting out changed to once a month acting out, I still decided it was best to share that information with my bishop. That was hard. Mostly because of everything else that we were trying to work on, I felt this just dug my grave a little deeper. Surprisingly, it was never really treated like a big deal. We didn't talk about it again and it was never even mentioned at my DC. All of this just reinforced that it was just a little problem and that it will go away with time. I never brought it back up again.

So fast forward to Feb 7 again, this search that I made ironically led me to a website titled Rowboat and Marbles a blog about pornography addiction, specifically from a Mormon standpoint. The first article I read was long, but it was just for me! Everything this guy was writing was about me. I continued to read this blog and like clockwork, acted out after reading. I guess the text was triggering enough for me. It was/is bizarre. But each and every article resonated with me. Could it be? Am I a sex addict?

The next article I read was written by Sidreis' and that's when I truly decided to reach out and get some help. First, I texted my former bishop to ask him about sex addiction groups in the area. Next, I emailed my therapist of the last couple of years and asked her if she thought I had a sexual addiction. Bishop called me the next day, and I was grateful for a fairly comfortable, respectful conversation. Both he and my therapist referred me to a new therapist who specialized in sexual addictions.

But the back and forth battle in my mind prevailed. Everyday I talked myself out of believing I fit the bill. I was kidding myself. I didn't have an addiction. I can take care of this, just like in the past. I mean, until now my viewings were months and weeks apart! Nevertheless, all this denial made me more depressed and full of shame--don't even get me started!

I decided to meet with this new therapist because I thought he could help me determine if this was truly a problem, or not. I also made an appointment with my new bishop because my spiritual resolve by this point, was completely gone.

And now I'm on this journey of recovery. I am a slave to my addiction. I can see that now. My entire youth years were up and down due this addiction and the shame that always accompanied it. I still know so little. I'm still trying to be honest with myself. I'm really trying to not use a title of addict as justification to do what I'm doing. Rather, I'm trying to let this awareness help me boil this part of me I hate to the surface so I can extract it and get rid of it!!!

Honestly, when I read Sidreis' blog, I was filled with hope. She bore testimony of the Atonement and how she truly felt it's affect and power in her life more than she's ever known before. She also made mistakes, but she was changed.

I believe recovery is my way to change. To actually become a new person through the atonement of Christ. For me to truly Go and Sin No More, I believe this journey/process has to be walked so I can truly forsake these behaviors and forgive myself.

So there you have it. I've been on this journey for one month now. It's been a big headache. I'm so weak and give in a lot to my carnal desires. I am withdrawing myself from my family and the Lord. I am filled with shame and embarrassment at myself. I'm trusting the process, as my therapist has asked me to do. I am recognizing more and more my dual nature: the addict me and the me that just wants to do what's right. Before I would only let one show it's face. But now, within just a few weeks, both of these individuals are at the surface--it's a face off everyday. That's the best way I can explain it. May the best me win.