Vulnerability

From my daily journal: March 7, 2013

I met with Bishop tonight. And right now I feel angry at myself. I am talking down to myself like no other. I'm embarrassed on how I portrayed myself. Bishop knows nothing about me. This was an opportunity to make good impressions--maybe to let him see the committed side of me. But no, I'm full of eye-rolls and pride. Why even see him at all if I'm not willing to do what he asks me to do?

He assures me I'm not a burden. He'll need to keep assuring me because lately that's all I feel in my bones. Shame. Shame. Shame. Inability to be vulnerable. Fearful of feeling. Fearful of chastisement. But I want what's on the other side of vulnerability, fear and chastisement; at least what I hear is there: Joy, forgiveness, wholeheartedness. What is holding me back?