Friday, January 31, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Disciplinary Councils
Have you ever gone through a disciplinary council? Why did you do it? (Not like...what landed you there, but why did you choose to have the DC).
Did you trust your bishop? Even moreso, did you trust his counselors (and, oh yah, the exec secretary who gets to join in for some odd reason)?
Perhaps I'm gawking at the order of the church right now, because I don't find it fair that I should have to share such personal information with mostly people that I don't know OR trust! I don't even feel like my Bishop really shows up for me, but when I say that, the shame gremlins enter my head.
Shame Gremlin: You deserve none of his time. He's so busy helping other people.
Shame Gremlin: He cancels and reschedules on you a lot because you are not worth it.
Shame Gremlin: He doesn't care about you.
They're there. And they hurt. And although some of them gremlins I can logically walk away from other ones keep getting reinforced. I wouldn't say I don't like my bishop, but I don't like him as my bishop, right now.
And so then when it comes to thinking about being involved with a DC with him as the head of the meeting, I cringe. You don't care about me. I am not just a "process to go through". This is my life! This is my story--real, raw and even humiliating. I don't just attach my name to it with anyone--they need to earn my vulnerability.
But unfortunately, I feel like I have to do it. If I want to go to the temple again...I have to endure this. I have to tell complete strangers my faults, so they can sit there and pretend like they care. But I don't believe them. AM I WRONG TO WANT THEM TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME AS A PERSON BEFORE A DC?
Friday, January 24, 2014
Shame and Grace
These are two principles that I believe have created a positive turning point for me:
1) Recognizing shame
2) Learning more about Grace
I am so thankful for grace which allows me to admit I didn't meet up to my potential, and that I can try again.
If you haven't watched this yet, please do: http://a12stepjournal.blogspot.com/2013/08/brad-wilcox-his-grace-is-sufficient.html
I especially like his analogy about the parent paying the piano teacher for the piano lessons for his/her child. The child can only "pay back that debt" by practicing, and becoming better. Afterall, that's all the parent hopes for!
And does the piano teacher kick the child out as soon as he/she plays a wrong note? No! He asks that you try again, too. Practice! Practice! Practice!
1) Recognizing shame
You have no idea how many times I have to advise myself, "Stop beating yourself up." For years over any given situation, shame could knock at my door and generally make its way into my soul. I can now recognize it's knocks, bolt the door and walk away.
2) Learning more about Grace
I am so thankful for grace which allows me to admit I didn't meet up to my potential, and that I can try again.
If you haven't watched this yet, please do: http://a12stepjournal.blogspot.com/2013/08/brad-wilcox-his-grace-is-sufficient.html
I especially like his analogy about the parent paying the piano teacher for the piano lessons for his/her child. The child can only "pay back that debt" by practicing, and becoming better. Afterall, that's all the parent hopes for!
And does the piano teacher kick the child out as soon as he/she plays a wrong note? No! He asks that you try again, too. Practice! Practice! Practice!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
A dream
So ever since my husband started reading my blog, I've become far less interested in posting. I can't really label why, but I do know that knowing who is reading my blog and then potentially seeing them in person after posting something, can set me up for feeling ashamed for what I posted. (Did you follow that?)
I really have to think about my motives behind posting what I am, I guess.
A few weeks back or more, I had a dream: I was at work getting a male patient set up for his appointment, when he started making inappropriate comments. At first in my dream, I ignored him and didn't give him the response I assumed he desired, but he was persistent with his flirting and eventually my brain just latched to what he was saying and I started responding flirtatiously back. The dream was short lived, however it held strong energy. Ironically, while I was eliciting some of my addictive behaviors, I was likewise struggling with my better-self; the part of me who knows who I am, and knows that engaging in this behavior is taking me away from becoming who I want to become.
Still in a dream state, I withdrew from him and began to pray. Heavenly Father, forgive me! Please relieve me of these feelings! Please! I don't want to do this!!! As dream's energy sometimes does, I woke up from that dream with the feelings and guilt so raw and intense, I continued to pray in my (somewhat) awake state. I was relieved that this was just a dream, but petrified at what I had chosen to do, nevertheless. A message burned inside of me: Don't think you are well, just because you've been feeling well. You are still very vulnerable to your addiction, and it can snag you in an instant. You must always stay on guard.
I feel that God granted me the peace that I was seeking that morning. I felt He helped erase images from my dream (and the feelings associated with them) from my memory as well. But the message carried through to my heart; always stay on guard.
I don't know if it was coincidental, or if my dream just put me on edge to be wary of any male who walked through work's door the following day, but one certainly came in who was.....well, different. Everything about his body language, the way he hung around the office (after his appointment was over) made me uncomfortable. He even came back into the office after leaving, just because he had more questions.
Ugh, it wasn't like my dream, but I couldn't help but believe if God hadn't blessed me with that message, that I would've been oblivious to all of this and probably engaged more with him than neccessary. Instead, because I was determined to stay on guard and remember my weakness, I either defaulted to making my coworker answer his questions and me leaving the room, or just giving him the answer and not following up to get more information (bad customer service?)
I have recognized for myself that to have a weakness isn't bad. I've thought of the analogy of the hen who opens her wings, inviting her chicks to come under them for safety. I've been more diligently trying to keep that image in mind and to catch myself when I am choosing to wander from the safety of His wings. My weaknesses will only hurt me when I choose to leave the safety of my Savior. Like the scriptures say, "...if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I really have to think about my motives behind posting what I am, I guess.
A few weeks back or more, I had a dream: I was at work getting a male patient set up for his appointment, when he started making inappropriate comments. At first in my dream, I ignored him and didn't give him the response I assumed he desired, but he was persistent with his flirting and eventually my brain just latched to what he was saying and I started responding flirtatiously back. The dream was short lived, however it held strong energy. Ironically, while I was eliciting some of my addictive behaviors, I was likewise struggling with my better-self; the part of me who knows who I am, and knows that engaging in this behavior is taking me away from becoming who I want to become.
Still in a dream state, I withdrew from him and began to pray. Heavenly Father, forgive me! Please relieve me of these feelings! Please! I don't want to do this!!! As dream's energy sometimes does, I woke up from that dream with the feelings and guilt so raw and intense, I continued to pray in my (somewhat) awake state. I was relieved that this was just a dream, but petrified at what I had chosen to do, nevertheless. A message burned inside of me: Don't think you are well, just because you've been feeling well. You are still very vulnerable to your addiction, and it can snag you in an instant. You must always stay on guard.
I feel that God granted me the peace that I was seeking that morning. I felt He helped erase images from my dream (and the feelings associated with them) from my memory as well. But the message carried through to my heart; always stay on guard.
I don't know if it was coincidental, or if my dream just put me on edge to be wary of any male who walked through work's door the following day, but one certainly came in who was.....well, different. Everything about his body language, the way he hung around the office (after his appointment was over) made me uncomfortable. He even came back into the office after leaving, just because he had more questions.
Ugh, it wasn't like my dream, but I couldn't help but believe if God hadn't blessed me with that message, that I would've been oblivious to all of this and probably engaged more with him than neccessary. Instead, because I was determined to stay on guard and remember my weakness, I either defaulted to making my coworker answer his questions and me leaving the room, or just giving him the answer and not following up to get more information (bad customer service?)
I have recognized for myself that to have a weakness isn't bad. I've thought of the analogy of the hen who opens her wings, inviting her chicks to come under them for safety. I've been more diligently trying to keep that image in mind and to catch myself when I am choosing to wander from the safety of His wings. My weaknesses will only hurt me when I choose to leave the safety of my Savior. Like the scriptures say, "...if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
Friday, November 1, 2013
Paradigm Shift
I love my husband.
He asked me if I had done "anything bad today" and after I gave him my reply he said, "Well, that's one less thing than I thought, so way to go!"
And then I realized there was a victory among what I perceived to altogether be a failure. Thank you honey for helping me see that. :) I love you.
Okay *gag* at the sappiness. I know you want to.
He asked me if I had done "anything bad today" and after I gave him my reply he said, "Well, that's one less thing than I thought, so way to go!"
And then I realized there was a victory among what I perceived to altogether be a failure. Thank you honey for helping me see that. :) I love you.
Okay *gag* at the sappiness. I know you want to.
Acidic Addiction
Therapy today was like drinking a glass of acid. I've never actually
done that, and don't really know how that feels, but the heart wrenching
and painful honesty I was presented with makes my insides explode. I
wish I could throw up until my insides are purged clean. I feel sick. I
am sick.
The consequences of my addiction are, but not limited to, lack of trust in my relationships. Lack of trust of self. Losing my integrity. Poor self esteem. Lack of feeling joy. Loss of job. Financial strain from job loss and in paying for therapy. Lack of participation in spiritual affairs. Dents and misunderstandings in marriage. Ignoring my family and robbing myself of cultivating happy relationships with them.
And I could just go on...
But I can't. Rip my eyeballs from their sockets. Cut off my hands. Punch out my front teeth.
I keep thinking tomorrow I'll do better. God, what do you really see in me? What am I going to become?
I am a child of God, and He has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find The Way.
Does God ever give us more than we can handle? Ya, right now, I think He does. But I am coming to believe that I can handle trials, but only through His Grace. Honestly, I don't know how I'd even rekindle hope again if it weren't for my Higher Power!
As Warrior puts so well: Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it. I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it. I can't afford to drink in lust on any level. I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower. It is insufficient. Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.
I cannot forsake my God.
The consequences of my addiction are, but not limited to, lack of trust in my relationships. Lack of trust of self. Losing my integrity. Poor self esteem. Lack of feeling joy. Loss of job. Financial strain from job loss and in paying for therapy. Lack of participation in spiritual affairs. Dents and misunderstandings in marriage. Ignoring my family and robbing myself of cultivating happy relationships with them.
And I could just go on...
But I can't. Rip my eyeballs from their sockets. Cut off my hands. Punch out my front teeth.
I keep thinking tomorrow I'll do better. God, what do you really see in me? What am I going to become?
I am a child of God, and He has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find The Way.
Does God ever give us more than we can handle? Ya, right now, I think He does. But I am coming to believe that I can handle trials, but only through His Grace. Honestly, I don't know how I'd even rekindle hope again if it weren't for my Higher Power!
As Warrior puts so well: Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it. I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it. I can't afford to drink in lust on any level. I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower. It is insufficient. Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.
I cannot forsake my God.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Chapter Three
I look at the last 9 months as a life-changing experience. I have taken my life in a completely different direction; a direction that prior I didn't even know existed. I am shedding secrets and seeking help. Recovery is a proactive journey. I know this, though I don't always live it.Obviously, I've written several blogposts with snippets of some of my thoughts during this chapter of my life.
Many times I break my life into chapters. I think the reason why is because it helps bring me closure to a certain area and mentally gets me pumped to start anew.
Highlights in Chapter Three of My Story:
KNOWLEDGE
Attending counseling through LifeStar introduced me to addiction language, and aided me in putting my emotions and behaviors into words more clearly. I've also read lots of books to give me a better understanding of how addiction works and what shame is. But most important of all, I have learned that I am NOT alone! And that my worth is unchanging!
CONNECTION
One faulty core belief that I find myself believing frequently is: If you knew my secret life, my thoughts, my urges, fantasies/images, and behaviors, you would leave me. I desperately desire connection, yet I just as desperately fear abandonment.
However what I have experienced regularly during this chapter of my life, when I am honest, are friends and family who challenge me, hold me accountable and forgive me. Some of you, my friends in the blogger world, know my deepest, darkest place and have listened to me share my shame tapes. Sometimes you hear me in victim role, sometimes you respond when I simply need to be heard, and sometimes you hold me very accountable and don't want to hear from me again until I've made my amends. You challenge that faulty core belief by still being there later! I'm amazed. I appreciate you, and love you.
RELAPSE
Honestly, I don't think I'm doing this recovery thing all that well. I had 40 straight-sober days months ago and then I loosened my belt and let little things creep back in. All in all, I think this just set me up for relapse. At moments, I tighten things up again *cough*white-knuckling*cough* but my new therapist has helped me nail down a plan, and a vision for myself and I feel more hope for myself again. Thank Goodness.
DEPRESSION
I have experienced deeper levels of depression and lower drive to do practically anything except eat chocolate and play Plants VS. Zombies. I am struggling to connect with anyone in my ward, and it's very much because I have no desire to. I habitually sleep in too late and go to bed super early. I default to taking naps when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy. And with Mom's passing, it's only compounded the depression a hundred-fold. For a week there I was ready-to-go again. I was going to go home, do my visiting teaching, read and pray everyday .... No, I'm pretty sure I still get enough sleep for the both of us.
I have no resolution in this category, yet. I found a glimmer of hope in Elder Holland's conference address on depression. I believe this is a small moment for me, and I will come out okay.
I will come out okay.
As for the next chapter of my life---I am anticipating great things! EEEK!!
Read Chapter Two
Many times I break my life into chapters. I think the reason why is because it helps bring me closure to a certain area and mentally gets me pumped to start anew.
Highlights in Chapter Three of My Story:
KNOWLEDGE
Attending counseling through LifeStar introduced me to addiction language, and aided me in putting my emotions and behaviors into words more clearly. I've also read lots of books to give me a better understanding of how addiction works and what shame is. But most important of all, I have learned that I am NOT alone! And that my worth is unchanging!
CONNECTION
One faulty core belief that I find myself believing frequently is: If you knew my secret life, my thoughts, my urges, fantasies/images, and behaviors, you would leave me. I desperately desire connection, yet I just as desperately fear abandonment.
However what I have experienced regularly during this chapter of my life, when I am honest, are friends and family who challenge me, hold me accountable and forgive me. Some of you, my friends in the blogger world, know my deepest, darkest place and have listened to me share my shame tapes. Sometimes you hear me in victim role, sometimes you respond when I simply need to be heard, and sometimes you hold me very accountable and don't want to hear from me again until I've made my amends. You challenge that faulty core belief by still being there later! I'm amazed. I appreciate you, and love you.
RELAPSE
Honestly, I don't think I'm doing this recovery thing all that well. I had 40 straight-sober days months ago and then I loosened my belt and let little things creep back in. All in all, I think this just set me up for relapse. At moments, I tighten things up again *cough*white-knuckling*cough* but my new therapist has helped me nail down a plan, and a vision for myself and I feel more hope for myself again. Thank Goodness.
DEPRESSION
I have experienced deeper levels of depression and lower drive to do practically anything except eat chocolate and play Plants VS. Zombies. I am struggling to connect with anyone in my ward, and it's very much because I have no desire to. I habitually sleep in too late and go to bed super early. I default to taking naps when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy. And with Mom's passing, it's only compounded the depression a hundred-fold. For a week there I was ready-to-go again. I was going to go home, do my visiting teaching, read and pray everyday .... No, I'm pretty sure I still get enough sleep for the both of us.
I have no resolution in this category, yet. I found a glimmer of hope in Elder Holland's conference address on depression. I believe this is a small moment for me, and I will come out okay.
I will come out okay.
As for the next chapter of my life---I am anticipating great things! EEEK!!
Read Chapter Two
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