Did you trust your bishop? Even moreso, did you trust his counselors (and, oh yah, the exec secretary who gets to join in for some odd reason)?
Perhaps I'm gawking at the order of the church right now, because I don't find it fair that I should have to share such personal information with mostly people that I don't know OR trust! I don't even feel like my Bishop really shows up for me, but when I say that, the shame gremlins enter my head.
Shame Gremlin: You deserve none of his time. He's so busy helping other people.
Shame Gremlin: He cancels and reschedules on you a lot because you are not worth it.
Shame Gremlin: He doesn't care about you.
They're there. And they hurt. And although some of them gremlins I can logically walk away from other ones keep getting reinforced. I wouldn't say I don't like my bishop, but I don't like him as my bishop, right now.
And so then when it comes to thinking about being involved with a DC with him as the head of the meeting, I cringe. You don't care about me. I am not just a "process to go through". This is my life! This is my story--real, raw and even humiliating. I don't just attach my name to it with anyone--they need to earn my vulnerability.
But unfortunately, I feel like I have to do it. If I want to go to the temple again...I have to endure this. I have to tell complete strangers my faults, so they can sit there and pretend like they care. But I don't believe them. AM I WRONG TO WANT THEM TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME AS A PERSON BEFORE A DC?
I can't answer any of your questions about the actual DC. But I wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHaving gone through one once with a friend, it is one of the… neatest things. The spirit was so strong and I felt the love of Heavenly Father and the Savior for my friend. I felt the love of the bishopric for my friend. Maybe pray beforehand for the Lord to help you feel His love for you. These men are called of God to be in these callings. They are imperfect, but it is the Lord's church and He directs it. And maybe, just maybe it's the Adversary telling you not to do this because he knows what good will result from it.
ReplyDeletePraying for you!
Seattle!! I cannot believe you have to do this w/o feeling the love and support of your bishop! It's terrifying on its own- but without that-- I'm just so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI had a disciplinary council. I felt like I had to do it. I wanted to be "good" again. I wanted to take the Sacrament and go to the temple and make sure that my standing in the church was honest. I felt like my bishop was invested in me, though. I trusted him to do the work of God. Even so, I was TERRIFIED.
One of the men in the bishopric had been my family's home teacher when I was in high school. He knew me and he knew my family and I was so ashamed that he had to know about all my misdeeds. That was scary.
I had really no idea what to expect. I didn't know if I'd get to keep my membership or not. But I had resolved that no matter what happened, I would be totally honest and I would accept the consequence, and if I lost my membership, I'd do whatever I could to regain it.
You don't necessarily have to trust your bishop. Trust God. Trust that HE will guide the men on your behalf. Trust that HE knows you and your heart and your intentions. Trust that HE will communicate those things to your bishop.
My disciplinary council stands today as one of my most treasured memories of incredible love. It was an incredible experience. I didn't know the exec. secretary at all, or one of the counselors, but in that room, there was only love. Only love. I hope you will experience something similar.
You know, Stephanie, this is a super delayed comment, but I'm still discovering new thoughts around this topic. I wouldn't say my feelings towards my bishop are the same today as they were when I wrote this post. I definitely had several months where we didn't see/meet with each other, and as a result, I just kind of forgot any ounce of care he does have. And I know the adversary was whispering to me that I was unloved, just as a tactic to keep me away from him.
DeleteI'm still nervous, and still desire to walk in with an open heart though. I don't know why I resist being open to this so much!!!
I'm in an Eastside stake (maybe yours) and had a stake DC recently. Generally that's reserved for Melchizedek priesthood holders. It was definitely intimidating walking in to a room filled with high counselors, several of which I knew well, but it was all done in a respectful way. My bishop is a bit green but has been very supportive. My stake president has been amazing - meets with me (and my wife) as frequently as we ask him. He really cares and is very experienced at this process. I was anxious to do the DC after waiting a few months. I wanted to start moving forward. I prayed for the outcome to be a positive thing for my family - I would have accepted their decision regardless of its severity. Not something I plan on doing again, but I'm grateful for all the support and love I felt.
ReplyDeleteHey, thanks for the comment Ben. The only question I'm left to ask is...so, who's your stake president? haha.
DeleteI'm in the Bellevue Stake. There is so much secrecy involved in disciplinary issues in the church, especially when it comes to sex, and I'm not sure it's healthy. It makes people feel very isolated. My wife has struggled with this, saying that no one else in our community deals with infidelity. But she just doesn't even know - people don't talk about it but it certainly happens (not that it's justified just because others have done it). It makes her feel very alone. Other Christian denominations are open about these things in their congregations and I think it's healthy. Secrecy drives shame. You are certainly not the only person (or woman) to struggle with this, but it may feel like you are very alone because it's not talked about.
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