I look at the last 9 months as a life-changing experience. I have taken my life in a completely different direction; a direction that prior I didn't even know existed. I am shedding secrets and seeking help. Recovery is a proactive journey. I know this, though I don't always live it.Obviously, I've written several blogposts with snippets of some of my thoughts during this chapter of my life.
Many times I break my life into chapters. I think the reason why is because it helps bring me closure to a certain area and mentally gets me pumped to start anew.
Highlights in Chapter Three of My Story:
KNOWLEDGE
Attending counseling through LifeStar introduced me to addiction language, and aided me in putting my emotions and behaviors into words more clearly. I've also read lots of books to give me a better understanding of how addiction works and what shame is. But most important of all, I have learned that I am NOT alone! And that my worth is unchanging!
CONNECTION
One faulty core belief that I find myself believing frequently is: If you knew my secret life, my thoughts, my urges, fantasies/images, and behaviors, you would leave me. I desperately desire connection, yet I just as desperately fear abandonment.
However what I have experienced regularly during this chapter of my life, when I am honest, are friends and family who challenge me, hold me accountable and forgive me. Some of you, my friends in the blogger world, know my deepest, darkest place and have listened to me share my shame tapes. Sometimes you hear me in victim role, sometimes you respond when I simply need to be heard, and sometimes you hold me very accountable and don't want to hear from me again until I've made my amends. You challenge that faulty core belief by still being there later! I'm amazed. I appreciate you, and love you.
RELAPSE
Honestly, I don't think I'm doing this recovery thing all that well. I had 40 straight-sober days months ago and then I loosened my belt and let little things creep back in. All in all, I think this just set me up for relapse. At moments, I tighten things up again *cough*white-knuckling*cough* but my new therapist has helped me nail down a plan, and a vision for myself and I feel more hope for myself again. Thank Goodness.
DEPRESSION
I have experienced deeper levels of depression and lower drive to do practically anything except eat chocolate and play Plants VS. Zombies. I am struggling to connect with anyone in my ward, and it's very much because I have no desire to. I habitually sleep in too late and go to bed super early. I default to taking naps when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy. And with Mom's passing, it's only compounded the depression a hundred-fold. For a week there I was ready-to-go again. I was going to go home, do my visiting teaching, read and pray everyday .... No, I'm pretty sure I still get enough sleep for the both of us.
I have no resolution in this category, yet. I found a glimmer of hope in Elder Holland's conference address on depression. I believe this is a small moment for me, and I will come out okay.
I will come out okay.
As for the next chapter of my life---I am anticipating great things! EEEK!!
Read Chapter Two
I freaking loved everything about this post. Everything. I can see you growing so much and I'm learning from you too. I especially related to this: "I desperately desire connection, yet I just as desperately fear abandonment." I feel this way very much right now. I love your honesty and vulnerability. I like how you break things up into chapters, I can see how that would benefit with closure. Bravo my friend. Keep it up. You're doing awesome.
ReplyDeleteI love you! Just throwing that out there ;) So proud of what you've accomplished in your last chapter, and so excited for what awaits you in your next chapter.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Seattle! You can do this. It's going to be hard and it always will have ups and downs, but it's an amazing journey.
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