White knuckling and Force fields

White knuckling. What does it mean?

To me, I relate it to a scary roller coaster ride. You know, the one with lots of loops and turns and the anticipation that the person behind you will inevitably puke on you. You grasp that bar in front of you so tightly, your knuckles bleed white until finally the ride is over and then you feel free to let go.

Seems sister to the control-release phase.

I remember a phone call conversation with my new found therapist when I found myself flirting my way down a path I knew I should not walk. It seemed to lead me into a moment of self-sabotage though because as soon as we made contact my brain told me to go-go-go before she told me to stop!! But I so desperately and morally wanted to stop, yet I could not be accountable to myself. There was one conversation where my therapist did give me specific instruction something like, "I don't want you to call him at all this week." I agreed. And although it was challenging and the urges to call still came, my accountability to her held a much stronger power over me and I didn't make a call; not a single one. The next week I proudly reported, but I was consciously aware that she didn't make that same demand this week, and addict me responded again: go-go-go!!! And I called him as soon as that appointment was over. That was a white knuckle moment.

Today, right now, I'm thinking about the past several days-12 to be exact. If I were meeting with my therapist today, that would be the sobriety date that I'd declare! Today it feels easy. I don't know if all addicts have days like today, or a few days in a row as mine has been, where the road feels smooth. I have immersed myself in the scriptures, prayer and my dailies and to illustrate my point, I feel like I have a force-field so tightly sealing me that rarely anything can penetrate it. Outside temptations aren't appetizing to me. Only when I choose to make a bad choice, like say something unkind or ignore the prophetic advice to read my scriptures do I penetrate my own force field and the outside evils begin to make me want. But poli-poli, I'm taking each day as it comes and I'm doing okay right now.

I know I can't rely solely on the gospel as my only tool for sobriety, but dang, it is one of the best ones out there. For once I don't believe I am white knuckling--hanging on tight so I can get that temple recommend, or prove to my therapist(s) how good I am doing. I'm doing this because innately I like what this feels like and I like who I am when I act this way.

~iheartseattle