The right and the wrong way to enjoy sex

Wrong: instant gratification via self-stimulation.

I didn't give in today. I wanted it so badly. I was alone, I texted my vts and cancelled our appointment, I threw myself into isolation. Eventually, I threw myself on my knees. It wasn't a feel-good prayer, nor one with much humility, my getting on my knees was a somewhat of a plea to my Heavenly Father in itself. Of the dust explains it so well, but I knew I would somehow get the motivation I needed if I would just kneel.

Unfortunately sometimes I need some motivation to pray!

I got out alive and eventually out my front door.

Fast forward to tonight. I have a sexual appetite again. That's not wrong. Normally and dare I say, healthily I would go to my hubby and warm him up to the idea. But tonight all you recovery-ites and your blogs are making me internalize this more and somehow I feel like I'm now only using my hubby to fulfill some lust-monster within me.

My husband then made a remark implying his desire for sex. And ironically, my other normal and might I say, unhealthy reaction happened; I began conjuring up every reason I didn't want it! How i can manipulate him out of it. What?!?

And then I blended these ideas all into one. "In the name of recovery, I should refrain until I'm willing to give myself to you in a wholesome way," I said, (but not really because I don't talk like that), but whatever I said, became my excuse not to have it.

My husband just looked at me and said, "Hey if you want it, come and get it, because I want it," practically telling me he didn't care if it was fulfilling some figurative lust monster in my mind.

And this has completely crushed this model in my head I've been building about The Right and Wrong Way to have Sex.

So on that note, I'm gonna go and we shall see what happens tonight. And then I'll determine how I feel, and that will become MY personal boundary about what is the right way and the wrong way to enjoy sex.

And you'll never know what I come up with -  unless I get pregnant, then it may be obvious. :) - because honestly, you'll figure out what works for you in your marriage, just as much as I will mine.