Today is the 15th. I was supposed to have finished the Book of Mormon again by now. I haven't. I'm in Alma 20ish. My Mom read a chapter everyday--everyday!!!--for I don't remember how many years, but it was a lot of years (more than I've been alive). That's impressive.
When she passed away and my family was gathered, and sharing, and talking about the temple, and going to church together, and praying a lot as a family, I WAS RESOLVED! I had had enough!!! I felt NO desire to return to my sins. I was ready to work at the roots and to build and center my life around Christ. I committed that week that I was going to continue reading the Book of Mormon and if at all possible, finish it by the 15th. Besides, I knew I probably really needed to dig into my scriptures for that 30 minutes a day.
But...
As my pattern seems to show, I didn't show up for myself. I haven't yet finished what I started. And I know I can still *finish* it, but.... Grr, I just keep turning around and hating myself for committing to it in the first place.
Because I suck at commitment.
And this &#]£<! addiction is wearing me out. But obviously not enough. I thought last time was enough. I thought I was satisfied. I thought that was it--no more will I act out in this way. It was short lived pleasure for a shallow ending. But already, really already??? Already Seattle, you are letting yourself get pulled in again? You suck at commitment.
I feel beyond hope. Do I have glimpse of it once in a while? Certainly! But it's short lived, and despair lives out a little longer each wave.
I think I keep "committing" again to recovery for external reasons/persons:
For my husband
For my marriage
For my reputation
To be accountable to my bishop
To be accountable to the blog world
To be clean--physically protect myself from consequences of riotous living
To make it to the temple
To make it to heaven, so I can actually be worthy of being with my Mom again
And none of these do it. None of these influence me or compel me to forsaking and repenting of my sins. Sometimes I think they do, but if I truly had forsaken it then why am I here, where I am, right now? I am sitting in the muck of my addiction. The muck is manifested by low self esteem, shame, depression, irritability of those closest to me which then leads to fights, withdrawal, isolation and resentment in my marriage.
I wish I could say, just as King Lamoni's father did " I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy. (Alma 22:15)." But when I listened to that passage today, I truly searched in myself, "am I willing to do that? Am I willing to give up all that I possess?"
And the answer I came to was, "no."
So what's it gonna take? Huh, Seattle? WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE?!? Are you going to wait until you lose your family before you straighten up?
Step one: honesty. Admit I have an addiction. Admit I am powerless. Oh, I admit it. This is much bigger than me, but I now recognize that NO ONE on this earth can take care of it for me. And that's the hardest part; the most daunting, overwhelming, hopeless feeling for me. It sure highlights a lot about my character; I have always considered myself a hard worker, but this is hard work that I want to walk away from.
How's that for honesty?
Change is hard. Oh, Seattle, I am sorry that you are struggling. It sucks. Some days it does suck and there is that pull, that memory, that feeling of hopelessness because we don't want to give it up.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm going to give a suggestion. Remember in Step 1 it says that if you are unwilling to give up your addiction, to list what you stand to lose by continuing, but also (and this is my favorite)
"You can pray that the Lord will help you see yourself and your life as He sees it— with all your divine potential—and what you risk by continuing in your addiction."
You are divine, Seattle! You are a daughter of God and He WILL help you. I can testify of that.
Love,
Stacey
Hi Seattle - I second everything Stacey said, you are a daughter of God and He is there. Keep going, just a tiny step at a time. And be a little more gentle with yourself hun, losing your mum is a huge deal and you need time to come to terms with that too. Don't lose hope, honey, just one tiny step at a time. xxxx
ReplyDeleteKeep on committing, as many times as it takes :) It sounds like you do have a little desire and in step 1 that's what it says it takes. Just the desire to change. Let that grow. It doesn't say "change all at once." But it is possible. Let the Lord help you. He loves you so much! I'm rooting for you too. Keep working hard and focusing on one day at a time. I know that if you let God, you can do it! You and He can do anything!!!
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU for your honesty. It's raw and deep and personal, and I have asked myself so many of the questions you have. We're all different in our recovery, but the one things that unites all those who have successfully overcome their addictions is that they kept trying. Even when it sucked and they wanted to throw it all away. The Lord loves your honesty, and even though you don't feel you deserve compassion, He's got it for you in spades :)
ReplyDelete