Metaphorically Speaking

I'm walking up to the theater with friends bringing along some M&M's and they have a sign: 

I refuse to give up my chocolate so I miss out on a fun night with friends.

I go to the swimming pool. They have a sign:

I refuse to shower so I don't get to go in.

I am standing outside of Disneyland. They have a sign: 

I refuse to put on my shoes. 

REALLY? It's Disneyland!!! Why won't you just put on your shoes?! (I'm talking to myself here).

Sometimes the things I do especially in this addiction are about as blatantly stupid as refusing to adhere to a simple sign. Logically, it makes sense to "put on my shoes" so I can enter Disneyland's doors, right? But I keep refusing to give up something small & insignificant and therefore miss out on something potentially greater! HOW DO I GIVE IT UP? How come once I give it up, it can't just be taken forever?

Things that I don't understand:

Myself.

The Atonement.

Myself and The Atonement together.

5 Things I Give Myself Permission to Enjoy

In the LifeStar book The Toolbox under the section Give Yourself Permission it says:

Many people who suffer from compulsive behaviors become so absorbed in their addiction--or even in their healing--that they forget how to have fun, how to enjoy life. We encourage our clients to...remember what activities might bring them pleasure...and then give yourself permission to enjoy these activities.

So I have been thinking about what things help me have fun and actually enjoy life in a healthy way.

#1 Spending time in the sun!!! This was my view from the beach over the weekend. I really do HeartSeattle :)

#2 Playing board games. I enjoy delving into a different kind of "fantasy world" and saving the world from dangerous epidemics. My hubs and I are pretty competitive with one another, and this particular game (Pandemic) is a safe one in our home. But I especially love playing games with friends and family.

#3 I enjoy walking especially during Summer evenings. It takes me back to my teenage years when I would go almost every night with my family, our neighbors, or my friends. The whole neighborhood was out on Summer nights.

#4 I like playing the piano and listening to this

#5 I love getting my hair done. Unfortunately, this costs more than I can afford, but believe me, if I had all the money in the world, I would get my hair done and a back massage once a week. :)

ARP Woes

I've been thinking alot about ARP this week. Last week I felt depressed when I attended because I recognized how triggering the whole ordeal was, and how I was succumbing to my addiction there. I realized I was no longer going for the right reason. Somewhere in the last few weeks I shifted into going because I enjoyed the attention from a few of the attendees. Dang it!!

I emailed D., my therapist and spilled it all out for him. He advised me at a minimum to start attending a different group and see how it works out for a while. I understood him to mean that perhaps if I was introduced to a new crowd that my focus would be back on the 12-step-program (at least for a while....)

Tonight is ARP. I really, really want to go. But as I think about why I "really, really want to go" the reason is startling clear: To interact with these few guys. To anticipate their arrival. Wonder where they'll sit. Ugh!!! 

I can't go.

My whole body depresses as I say that. I have to remind the addict in me that I am not going to feed her and as a result, my whole body can feel her reaction. Obviously this addiction is a big part of me, so even when I'm trying to do what's right, it's not always going to be the most pleasant feeling. At least not immediately.

But I am reminded that recovery is not about having access to ARP. As Sidreis once commented: 

"Remember that focusing on recovery is focusing on the Savior."

Yet, I must say I see the benefits of ARP and I'm so, so, so looking forward to my vacation to Utah at the end of this month and a chance to attend an all women's group and see what that's all about!