Tug Of War

I'm in my cycle.

I don't know if that's the right terminology, but it seems like that's what my therapist would say.

There's just little things that keep standing out to me--instances where I let my guard down. Rather, I let a thought stay. Or, find excitement/thrill from it, rather than a desire to push it away from me.

That being said, I can't pinpoint much of anything    like... how serious this is.

But, really that doesn't matter because anything...any. little. thing. is a step towards disrupting my peace & sobriety. And I don't want that. Every time it's these little things that build up and all of the sudden I look back and realize I've created something huge. Got to manage the little things.

Triggering, power-holding dream last week. I couldn't stop thinking about this dream for days. I didn't reach out to one person. Nope. Then I finally went to the SA meeting and just shared about it some, but with little relief. I felt how much power this dream had over me. It was so true to something that can actually happen in reality, that I realized I could truly make it a reality. And not only that, I wanted to!

But then of course, I don't want to!!

So I am back in the game of tug-of-war with myself. And one of me is going to win.

I think I'd best get back into seeing my therapist to break it down with complete honesty. It's not enough for me to just share it in a group setting. I need someone to get to the gutsy interior with me.

SA Club: No Boys Allowed!

Today I did something I haven't done in a very, very long time: I got out of bed at 7am!!

I also did something I have never done before: Attended an SA meeting! Best part, it was Women's Only! 

The first day I committed to attending an ARP group, I was filled with a lot of worry. This morning's experience was no different--I dreamt all night long about the meeting, getting lost trying to find the meeting, not making it to the meeting, and altogether trying to avoid the meeting. I worried a lot!!

But luckily, thankfully, God blessed me with the energy and courage to go.

And it was wonderful. 

And now I have a handful of "real life", "face-to-face" contacts EACH OF WHOM VOLUNTEERED THEIR PHONE NUMBERS, and greeted me and welcomed me, and I dare say loved me when they didn't even know me yet. Holy crap!! That happens?

Yes. Yes it does. Hallelujah for my new group.

Werewolf and His Cage

I used to think change was easy for me; that I was easily adaptable. But I do not believe that anymore because I've been able to see how change has affected me in the recent past.

I've been thinking about this upcoming July. It will be a moment of a lot of change:

• Welcoming a 2nd child into our home
• Less Sleep
• Leaving work for a period of time
• Financial change to having only one income
• Preparing to move, and figuring out to where!

These are a few of the things I'm anticipating already. What else do I anticipate as a result of all this change?

• Higher stress
• Less cognitive processing of my emotions
• More knee-jerk emotional reactions
• Baby blues
• I worry about letting down my guard and increasing susceptibility to triggers

I hope that I can continue to reality check shame no matter what. In fact, I hope a lot of things:

•I hope with self awareness right now, I can start building a safety net to catch me in my sadness and/or anxiety, or in whichever emotion I end up experiencing.

• I hope this safety net will provide me with an opportunity to recenter myself and bounce back quickly.

• I hope I will not be as depressed as I anticipate, but that if I am that I will be okay in my depression.

I remember friend, Sidreis texting me a sentence of a werewolf and a cage once. I don't remember the specifics of her analogy, but it resonated with me and this is how I've visualized the analogy ever since: 

Werewolf and His Cage 

(in the context of sex addiction, though applicable to just about anything)

"Werewolf" during the daytime is an okay guy. He is pleasant to be around and strives to be a valuable person to his community. In fact, most people don't even realize he is a Werewolf. However, the man knows during the safe times, the days when he's feeling okay and making the most of his life, he needs to put some effort into building a cage. Yes, things seem fine now but the man knows the full moon will come. So he labors.

When the full moon rises, or the triggers are high, the man locks himself away. He hands over the key to somebody he trusts to unlock it later. He does all of this for safety. While tucked away in his cage Werewolf is safe. The people are safe. He will not hurt them or ravage their homes. And when the sun rises again, the man will overcome the werewolf and he is set free. In fact, because of his labor, he is free, and he can and will feel just fine. 

My safety net = cage. It's not containment. It's protection. It's safety. It's preplanned out of love for myself. And I love me.

People change

Some people might learn about what I've done in my life and easily sneer and judge, "You are a bad person." But I know differently. I know I've made bad choices, but I also know without a doubt I'm of worth. I know my heart and mind and intentions as of today. I rejoice over grace and the gift of repentance. Perhaps God will send me to hell in the end, but I don't know that. And honestly, to go through life believing in that sounds miserable!!!

I'd rather live believing that no matter what happens, God will still greet me with a giant hug even if I can't stay with Him. But because I can only imagine love in our reuniting I'm inspired to move forward, continue to stay on guard, and find ways to help and love others.

I am a changeable person. Where I am now isn't a reflection of the person I've necessarily always been or always will be. That's hope.

Leaning into joy and later disappointment, and I'm still okay

This post really has no direct correlation to addiction, but this is a good place to journal some thoughts and my personal breakdown and experience with vulnerability, and of leaning into discomfort and joy. Yet, it very much is related to addiction because I would've never delved so deeply into these topics had it not been for propelling numbing and addictive behaviors that I have been trying to understand.

Brene' Brown teaches me not to rob myself of joy with the "what if's" (at least that's how I think of it). I practiced that when I took a positive pregnancy test in October. *This* was a joyous moment for me, or at least I suspected it should be, but within moments of actually accepting the reality of what I was looking at on my bathroom counter the "what ifs" began to enter into my mind:

"What if he/she isn't healthy?"

"You can't/shouldn't tell anyone because you might miscarry." Essentially everything that could possibly go wrong knocked at my door. But I refused to let them settle. Why? Because they were robbing me of my joy! And although feeling that level of joy was somewhat uncomfortable and unfamiliar, I embraced it.

I embraced overwhelming joy and happiness in that moment.

But today I feel the opposite of joy. I haven't been shy in letting others know I hope for a girl. Did I know there was a chance for a boy? Of course I did. But I wasn't going to bury my reality of hope for a girl just because it could be a boy. I let myself feel hope. I allowed myself to dream and imagine life with a girl.

Only my son attended the ultrasound with me this morning. When the tech told us 1/2 way through, "It's a boy!" my response was, "Bummer." My son's was more excited, "Yes! I always guess right. Like this morning, when I guessed which elevator door was going to open, I guessed that right, too!"

The tech continued her work and I lay there silently, disappointedly. I honestly didn't anticipate how deeply the disappointment would settle if I learned it was a boy. Tears began to form. I didn't cry an ugly cry, in fact I'm sure the tech didn't even notice the few tears that ran down my cheeks. I felt a whole range of emotions, and exerted my energy into identifying them (in my head, of course) as the tech finished her measurements.

I felt shame knocking at my door ready to tell me, "How selfish of you to not be grateful for a boy", or "You're disappointed that you're having a boy? Some people can't even get pregnant. How dare you..." But I refused to let shame settle. Instead I decided to feel empathy for myself. I let compassion in. I reminded myself how it was okay to be disappointed and how proud I am of myself to let myself be vulnerable throughout this pregnancy thus far.

That's not to say I wasn't happy when the appointment was finally over. I went to Starbucks in the lobby to impulsively buy a hot chocolate. It was my attempt to numb at least some of the sadness. We browsed the baby shops and seriously the girl selection was way better than the boy's. Sadness overwhelmed me again. I just let it. I did come across some cute adorable baby bow ties, though! "This just might do it," I thought, "I will be able to get excited about a boy eventually."

I will be getting this boy a freakin' adorable bow tie eventually, just not one from the hospital that costs $26. It will stand as my reminder that embracing vulnerability is the way to wholehearted living. And that's one of the biggest things I want to teach my sons--to know who they are, to know they are worthy of love and belonging and to live life wholeheartedly.

Depression is a disease of civilization: Stephen Ilardi at TEDxEmory

Worth the share.

Disciplinary Councils

Have you ever gone through a disciplinary council? Why did you do it? (Not like...what landed you there, but why did you choose to have the DC).

Did you trust your bishop? Even moreso, did you trust his counselors (and, oh yah, the exec secretary who gets to join in for some odd reason)?

Perhaps I'm gawking at the order of the church right now, because I don't find it fair that I should have to share such personal information with mostly people that I don't know OR trust! I don't even feel like my Bishop really shows up for me, but when I say that, the shame gremlins enter my head. 

Shame Gremlin: You deserve none of his time. He's so busy helping other people.

Shame Gremlin: He cancels and reschedules on you a lot because you are not worth it.

Shame Gremlin: He doesn't care about you.

They're there. And they hurt. And although some of them gremlins I can logically walk away from other ones keep getting reinforced. I wouldn't say I don't like my bishop, but I don't like him as my bishop, right now.

And so then when it comes to thinking about being involved with a DC with him as the head of the meeting, I cringe. You don't care about me. I am not just a "process to go through". This is my life! This is my story--real, raw and even humiliating. I don't just attach my name to it with anyone--they need to earn my vulnerability. 

But unfortunately, I feel like I have to do it. If I want to go to the temple again...I have to endure this. I have to tell complete strangers my faults, so they can sit there and pretend like they care. But I don't believe them. AM I WRONG TO WANT THEM TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME AS A PERSON BEFORE A DC?