Acidic Addiction

Therapy today was like drinking a glass of acid. I've never actually done that, and don't really know how that feels, but the heart wrenching and painful honesty I was presented with makes my insides explode. I wish I could throw up until my insides are purged clean. I feel sick. I am sick.

The consequences of my addiction are, but not limited to, lack of trust in my relationships. Lack of trust of self. Losing my integrity. Poor self esteem. Lack of feeling joy. Loss of job. Financial strain from job loss and in paying for therapy. Lack of participation in spiritual affairs. Dents and misunderstandings in marriage. Ignoring my family and robbing myself of cultivating happy relationships with them.

And I could just go on...

But I can't. Rip my eyeballs from their sockets. Cut off my hands. Punch out my front teeth.

I keep thinking tomorrow I'll do better. God, what do you really see in me? What am I going to become?

I am a child of God, and He has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find The Way.

Does God ever give us more than we can handle? Ya, right now, I think He does. But I am coming to believe that I can handle trials, but only through His Grace. Honestly, I don't know how I'd even rekindle hope again if it weren't for my Higher Power!

As Warrior puts so well: Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it.  I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it.  I can't afford to drink in lust on any level.  I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower.  It is insufficient.  Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.

I cannot forsake my God.