Shame tapes. They keep replaying over and over in my head. They stem from my husband reading my blog and telling someone else about what he read. It also stems from countless rescheduled visits with my bishop. They just speak to the belief inside of me that I am unworthy and undeserving of his time. These are my shame tapes:
Bishop has other more important things to deal with.
You have created your own problems, it's your responsibility to clean them up. You don't deserve to rely on others.
You don't deserve it when your husband is kind to you, gives you back rubs, or says he loves you. You are selfish.
You are selfish.
You. Are. Selfish.
You should be ashamed of yourself. You are a liar. You may not think you are, but that's how others view you. They are right.
You are a burden on your bishop. You are not worthy because you keep messing up, but that's your own fault. Don't cry because you feel like your trial is heavy. You created this trial. It's your fault.
End shame tapes.
Something I've been thinking about lately is trials. I consider my addiction to be a trial. Yet it's not the same type of trial as losing a loved one, or losing a job or having some paralyzingly accident due to no fault of your own. Those latter situations are ones to mourn and to rightfully declare, "what a trial!!" But for me, I feel the need to shut-up, and to be allowed nothing but full accountability for my trial. Like, "you deserve it, cuz you created it." But this doesn't seem very advantageous either. Anyone else have thoughts on trials and the definition thereof?
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ReplyDeletethose shame tapes are LIES! EVERY ONE OF THEM! They are lies authored by Satan who wants you to believe them because he knows that if you do, he'll have more power over you. When you reject those lies, you take a little bit of power away from him.
ReplyDeleteAddiction IS a huuuuge trial. And, while you may have chosen the behaviors that lead to addiction, you did NOT choose to be addicted. No one wants to be an addict. No one decides to wake up one morning and have a debilitating, life-sucking addiction.
I used to say stuff like "I'm the one who got myself into this mess; I have to get myself out. I don't deserve help because I didn't have help making my stupid choices. I dug the pit myself, with my own shovel, then jumped in willingly. Now I'm stuck in this pit of hell and I DID IT so I HAVE TO GET MYSELF OUT.
But- I am not Jesus. It wasn't given to me to save myself. It was given to Jesus Christ to save me, and there no other way to come to the Father but by Him. So even though my choices brought me to the pit, I MUST rely on Him to get me out. I MUST choose to use the Atonement rather than reject it.
Besides, as a wise bishop pointed out to me once, I didn't dig that pit alone. Satan and his angels helped me dig it, and then they whispered to me to jump, promising glee and freedom if I just jumped. Can I blame them for my choice? No, I made it ultimately, but I did NOT get into that pit alone. If not for Satan and his POWERFUL tools, I may never have seen an appeal to sexual sins. Again, I don't blame him, but I acknowledge that I didn't get in that pit all by myself. And I WILL NOT and CANNOT be free of it by myself.
Reject those lies that hold you back. You are worthy of your bishop's time. He is a resource given YOU by Heavenly Father. You are worthy of your husband's love- of course you are! You are worthy, you are worthy, you are worthy. Nothing you have done has even remotely dented your worth.
It's hard. Don't discount that. It's supposed to be hard. It's okay to find it hard. It's trying. It's supposed to be, and it's okay. It's a TRIAL. Legitimately. Take comfort in that, because trials end. They may last for years, but they come to an end, especially if we focus on the solutions rather than the problems.
love ya!!!
Satan loves to feed us lies. And one of those is that we have to suffer for our sins in order to show the Savior how sorry we are. This is a lie! The Savior already knows how sorry we feel. We don't need to keep whipping ourselves. We need to turn to the Savior and feel His love. It will heal us.
ReplyDelete