I love my husband.
He asked me if I had done "anything bad today" and after I gave him my reply he said, "Well, that's one less thing than I thought, so way to go!"
And then I realized there was a victory among what I perceived to altogether be a failure. Thank you honey for helping me see that. :) I love you.
Okay *gag* at the sappiness. I know you want to.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Acidic Addiction
Therapy today was like drinking a glass of acid. I've never actually
done that, and don't really know how that feels, but the heart wrenching
and painful honesty I was presented with makes my insides explode. I
wish I could throw up until my insides are purged clean. I feel sick. I
am sick.
The consequences of my addiction are, but not limited to, lack of trust in my relationships. Lack of trust of self. Losing my integrity. Poor self esteem. Lack of feeling joy. Loss of job. Financial strain from job loss and in paying for therapy. Lack of participation in spiritual affairs. Dents and misunderstandings in marriage. Ignoring my family and robbing myself of cultivating happy relationships with them.
And I could just go on...
But I can't. Rip my eyeballs from their sockets. Cut off my hands. Punch out my front teeth.
I keep thinking tomorrow I'll do better. God, what do you really see in me? What am I going to become?
I am a child of God, and He has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find The Way.
Does God ever give us more than we can handle? Ya, right now, I think He does. But I am coming to believe that I can handle trials, but only through His Grace. Honestly, I don't know how I'd even rekindle hope again if it weren't for my Higher Power!
As Warrior puts so well: Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it. I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it. I can't afford to drink in lust on any level. I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower. It is insufficient. Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.
I cannot forsake my God.
The consequences of my addiction are, but not limited to, lack of trust in my relationships. Lack of trust of self. Losing my integrity. Poor self esteem. Lack of feeling joy. Loss of job. Financial strain from job loss and in paying for therapy. Lack of participation in spiritual affairs. Dents and misunderstandings in marriage. Ignoring my family and robbing myself of cultivating happy relationships with them.
And I could just go on...
But I can't. Rip my eyeballs from their sockets. Cut off my hands. Punch out my front teeth.
I keep thinking tomorrow I'll do better. God, what do you really see in me? What am I going to become?
I am a child of God, and He has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find The Way.
Does God ever give us more than we can handle? Ya, right now, I think He does. But I am coming to believe that I can handle trials, but only through His Grace. Honestly, I don't know how I'd even rekindle hope again if it weren't for my Higher Power!
As Warrior puts so well: Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it. I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it. I can't afford to drink in lust on any level. I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower. It is insufficient. Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.
I cannot forsake my God.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Chapter Three
I look at the last 9 months as a life-changing experience. I have taken my life in a completely different direction; a direction that prior I didn't even know existed. I am shedding secrets and seeking help. Recovery is a proactive journey. I know this, though I don't always live it.Obviously, I've written several blogposts with snippets of some of my thoughts during this chapter of my life.
Many times I break my life into chapters. I think the reason why is because it helps bring me closure to a certain area and mentally gets me pumped to start anew.
Highlights in Chapter Three of My Story:
KNOWLEDGE
Attending counseling through LifeStar introduced me to addiction language, and aided me in putting my emotions and behaviors into words more clearly. I've also read lots of books to give me a better understanding of how addiction works and what shame is. But most important of all, I have learned that I am NOT alone! And that my worth is unchanging!
CONNECTION
One faulty core belief that I find myself believing frequently is: If you knew my secret life, my thoughts, my urges, fantasies/images, and behaviors, you would leave me. I desperately desire connection, yet I just as desperately fear abandonment.
However what I have experienced regularly during this chapter of my life, when I am honest, are friends and family who challenge me, hold me accountable and forgive me. Some of you, my friends in the blogger world, know my deepest, darkest place and have listened to me share my shame tapes. Sometimes you hear me in victim role, sometimes you respond when I simply need to be heard, and sometimes you hold me very accountable and don't want to hear from me again until I've made my amends. You challenge that faulty core belief by still being there later! I'm amazed. I appreciate you, and love you.
RELAPSE
Honestly, I don't think I'm doing this recovery thing all that well. I had 40 straight-sober days months ago and then I loosened my belt and let little things creep back in. All in all, I think this just set me up for relapse. At moments, I tighten things up again *cough*white-knuckling*cough* but my new therapist has helped me nail down a plan, and a vision for myself and I feel more hope for myself again. Thank Goodness.
DEPRESSION
I have experienced deeper levels of depression and lower drive to do practically anything except eat chocolate and play Plants VS. Zombies. I am struggling to connect with anyone in my ward, and it's very much because I have no desire to. I habitually sleep in too late and go to bed super early. I default to taking naps when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy. And with Mom's passing, it's only compounded the depression a hundred-fold. For a week there I was ready-to-go again. I was going to go home, do my visiting teaching, read and pray everyday .... No, I'm pretty sure I still get enough sleep for the both of us.
I have no resolution in this category, yet. I found a glimmer of hope in Elder Holland's conference address on depression. I believe this is a small moment for me, and I will come out okay.
I will come out okay.
As for the next chapter of my life---I am anticipating great things! EEEK!!
Read Chapter Two
Many times I break my life into chapters. I think the reason why is because it helps bring me closure to a certain area and mentally gets me pumped to start anew.
Highlights in Chapter Three of My Story:
KNOWLEDGE
Attending counseling through LifeStar introduced me to addiction language, and aided me in putting my emotions and behaviors into words more clearly. I've also read lots of books to give me a better understanding of how addiction works and what shame is. But most important of all, I have learned that I am NOT alone! And that my worth is unchanging!
CONNECTION
One faulty core belief that I find myself believing frequently is: If you knew my secret life, my thoughts, my urges, fantasies/images, and behaviors, you would leave me. I desperately desire connection, yet I just as desperately fear abandonment.
However what I have experienced regularly during this chapter of my life, when I am honest, are friends and family who challenge me, hold me accountable and forgive me. Some of you, my friends in the blogger world, know my deepest, darkest place and have listened to me share my shame tapes. Sometimes you hear me in victim role, sometimes you respond when I simply need to be heard, and sometimes you hold me very accountable and don't want to hear from me again until I've made my amends. You challenge that faulty core belief by still being there later! I'm amazed. I appreciate you, and love you.
RELAPSE
Honestly, I don't think I'm doing this recovery thing all that well. I had 40 straight-sober days months ago and then I loosened my belt and let little things creep back in. All in all, I think this just set me up for relapse. At moments, I tighten things up again *cough*white-knuckling*cough* but my new therapist has helped me nail down a plan, and a vision for myself and I feel more hope for myself again. Thank Goodness.
DEPRESSION
I have experienced deeper levels of depression and lower drive to do practically anything except eat chocolate and play Plants VS. Zombies. I am struggling to connect with anyone in my ward, and it's very much because I have no desire to. I habitually sleep in too late and go to bed super early. I default to taking naps when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy. And with Mom's passing, it's only compounded the depression a hundred-fold. For a week there I was ready-to-go again. I was going to go home, do my visiting teaching, read and pray everyday .... No, I'm pretty sure I still get enough sleep for the both of us.
I have no resolution in this category, yet. I found a glimmer of hope in Elder Holland's conference address on depression. I believe this is a small moment for me, and I will come out okay.
I will come out okay.
As for the next chapter of my life---I am anticipating great things! EEEK!!
Read Chapter Two
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Seattle Sex Addiction Recovery Groups
HELLO!!! It's been a while since I've blogged.
A couple months ago, my hubby and I finally started couple's counseling together and overall it has been a very good experience. I mean....it sucks....it's hard....and I tend to become very defensive and guarded, but on the flip side I have also tried to take that time to be vulnerable and share, and it's kind of relieving to get everything out there.
I have a very kind, and patient husband. I tell you, those character traits never became more startlingly clear until we started therapy together. Often times during our session, after hard discussions he'll reach over and grab my hand. Or, when I refuse to hold it back, he'll keep his hand on my leg. He continues to be there for me. Over. And over.
Our counselor and my Bishop still suggested I find someone to visit with personally who specializes in sex addiction. I *finally* found Heidi in Bellevue who I feel is a good match. One of the highlights of our discussion last week was on starting a women's recovery group.
A while back I posted about my desire to get one started. I feel like Heidi was practically on the same page as me! She's already received approval for their Bellevue office to start a group on either Mon/Tues Evenings. The fine details are still getting worked out, but please spread the word!
LifeStar does have a women's group up and running now through their program. Last I heard, it is in Renton on Thursdays 4-530.
And last of all, my stake president has also heard my requests and have now assigned their newest high councilman to be in charge of starting a Women's Only group for our surrounding Bellevue, Bellevue South and Redmond Stakes!! These details are also getting organized, but stay posted!
The ball is rolling. This is very exciting. Very good.
UPDATE:
The women's group at BCS is not operating. LifeStar has a women's group meeting on Mondays at 3. And SA meets at St. Andrew's Lutheran church (across from the temple) at 8am Saturday mornings.
A couple months ago, my hubby and I finally started couple's counseling together and overall it has been a very good experience. I mean....it sucks....it's hard....and I tend to become very defensive and guarded, but on the flip side I have also tried to take that time to be vulnerable and share, and it's kind of relieving to get everything out there.
I have a very kind, and patient husband. I tell you, those character traits never became more startlingly clear until we started therapy together. Often times during our session, after hard discussions he'll reach over and grab my hand. Or, when I refuse to hold it back, he'll keep his hand on my leg. He continues to be there for me. Over. And over.
Our counselor and my Bishop still suggested I find someone to visit with personally who specializes in sex addiction. I *finally* found Heidi in Bellevue who I feel is a good match. One of the highlights of our discussion last week was on starting a women's recovery group.
A while back I posted about my desire to get one started. I feel like Heidi was practically on the same page as me! She's already received approval for their Bellevue office to start a group on either Mon/Tues Evenings. The fine details are still getting worked out, but please spread the word!
LifeStar does have a women's group up and running now through their program. Last I heard, it is in Renton on Thursdays 4-530.
And last of all, my stake president has also heard my requests and have now assigned their newest high councilman to be in charge of starting a Women's Only group for our surrounding Bellevue, Bellevue South and Redmond Stakes!! These details are also getting organized, but stay posted!
The ball is rolling. This is very exciting. Very good.
UPDATE:
The women's group at BCS is not operating. LifeStar has a women's group meeting on Mondays at 3. And SA meets at St. Andrew's Lutheran church (across from the temple) at 8am Saturday mornings.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
My Shame Tapes
Shame tapes. They keep replaying over and over in my head. They stem from my husband reading my blog and telling someone else about what he read. It also stems from countless rescheduled visits with my bishop. They just speak to the belief inside of me that I am unworthy and undeserving of his time. These are my shame tapes:
Bishop has other more important things to deal with.
You have created your own problems, it's your responsibility to clean them up. You don't deserve to rely on others.
You don't deserve it when your husband is kind to you, gives you back rubs, or says he loves you. You are selfish.
You are selfish.
You. Are. Selfish.
You should be ashamed of yourself. You are a liar. You may not think you are, but that's how others view you. They are right.
You are a burden on your bishop. You are not worthy because you keep messing up, but that's your own fault. Don't cry because you feel like your trial is heavy. You created this trial. It's your fault.
End shame tapes.
Something I've been thinking about lately is trials. I consider my addiction to be a trial. Yet it's not the same type of trial as losing a loved one, or losing a job or having some paralyzingly accident due to no fault of your own. Those latter situations are ones to mourn and to rightfully declare, "what a trial!!" But for me, I feel the need to shut-up, and to be allowed nothing but full accountability for my trial. Like, "you deserve it, cuz you created it." But this doesn't seem very advantageous either. Anyone else have thoughts on trials and the definition thereof?
Bishop has other more important things to deal with.
You have created your own problems, it's your responsibility to clean them up. You don't deserve to rely on others.
You don't deserve it when your husband is kind to you, gives you back rubs, or says he loves you. You are selfish.
You are selfish.
You. Are. Selfish.
You should be ashamed of yourself. You are a liar. You may not think you are, but that's how others view you. They are right.
You are a burden on your bishop. You are not worthy because you keep messing up, but that's your own fault. Don't cry because you feel like your trial is heavy. You created this trial. It's your fault.
End shame tapes.
Something I've been thinking about lately is trials. I consider my addiction to be a trial. Yet it's not the same type of trial as losing a loved one, or losing a job or having some paralyzingly accident due to no fault of your own. Those latter situations are ones to mourn and to rightfully declare, "what a trial!!" But for me, I feel the need to shut-up, and to be allowed nothing but full accountability for my trial. Like, "you deserve it, cuz you created it." But this doesn't seem very advantageous either. Anyone else have thoughts on trials and the definition thereof?
Saturday, September 14, 2013
I need no pity. I deserve no compassion. I need to just give it up
Today is the 15th. I was supposed to have finished the Book of Mormon again by now. I haven't. I'm in Alma 20ish. My Mom read a chapter everyday--everyday!!!--for I don't remember how many years, but it was a lot of years (more than I've been alive). That's impressive.
When she passed away and my family was gathered, and sharing, and talking about the temple, and going to church together, and praying a lot as a family, I WAS RESOLVED! I had had enough!!! I felt NO desire to return to my sins. I was ready to work at the roots and to build and center my life around Christ. I committed that week that I was going to continue reading the Book of Mormon and if at all possible, finish it by the 15th. Besides, I knew I probably really needed to dig into my scriptures for that 30 minutes a day.
But...
As my pattern seems to show, I didn't show up for myself. I haven't yet finished what I started. And I know I can still *finish* it, but.... Grr, I just keep turning around and hating myself for committing to it in the first place.
Because I suck at commitment.
And this &#]£<! addiction is wearing me out. But obviously not enough. I thought last time was enough. I thought I was satisfied. I thought that was it--no more will I act out in this way. It was short lived pleasure for a shallow ending. But already, really already??? Already Seattle, you are letting yourself get pulled in again? You suck at commitment.
I feel beyond hope. Do I have glimpse of it once in a while? Certainly! But it's short lived, and despair lives out a little longer each wave.
I think I keep "committing" again to recovery for external reasons/persons:
For my husband
For my marriage
For my reputation
To be accountable to my bishop
To be accountable to the blog world
To be clean--physically protect myself from consequences of riotous living
To make it to the temple
To make it to heaven, so I can actually be worthy of being with my Mom again
And none of these do it. None of these influence me or compel me to forsaking and repenting of my sins. Sometimes I think they do, but if I truly had forsaken it then why am I here, where I am, right now? I am sitting in the muck of my addiction. The muck is manifested by low self esteem, shame, depression, irritability of those closest to me which then leads to fights, withdrawal, isolation and resentment in my marriage.
I wish I could say, just as King Lamoni's father did " I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy. (Alma 22:15)." But when I listened to that passage today, I truly searched in myself, "am I willing to do that? Am I willing to give up all that I possess?"
And the answer I came to was, "no."
So what's it gonna take? Huh, Seattle? WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE?!? Are you going to wait until you lose your family before you straighten up?
Step one: honesty. Admit I have an addiction. Admit I am powerless. Oh, I admit it. This is much bigger than me, but I now recognize that NO ONE on this earth can take care of it for me. And that's the hardest part; the most daunting, overwhelming, hopeless feeling for me. It sure highlights a lot about my character; I have always considered myself a hard worker, but this is hard work that I want to walk away from.
How's that for honesty?
When she passed away and my family was gathered, and sharing, and talking about the temple, and going to church together, and praying a lot as a family, I WAS RESOLVED! I had had enough!!! I felt NO desire to return to my sins. I was ready to work at the roots and to build and center my life around Christ. I committed that week that I was going to continue reading the Book of Mormon and if at all possible, finish it by the 15th. Besides, I knew I probably really needed to dig into my scriptures for that 30 minutes a day.
But...
As my pattern seems to show, I didn't show up for myself. I haven't yet finished what I started. And I know I can still *finish* it, but.... Grr, I just keep turning around and hating myself for committing to it in the first place.
Because I suck at commitment.
And this &#]£<! addiction is wearing me out. But obviously not enough. I thought last time was enough. I thought I was satisfied. I thought that was it--no more will I act out in this way. It was short lived pleasure for a shallow ending. But already, really already??? Already Seattle, you are letting yourself get pulled in again? You suck at commitment.
I feel beyond hope. Do I have glimpse of it once in a while? Certainly! But it's short lived, and despair lives out a little longer each wave.
I think I keep "committing" again to recovery for external reasons/persons:
For my husband
For my marriage
For my reputation
To be accountable to my bishop
To be accountable to the blog world
To be clean--physically protect myself from consequences of riotous living
To make it to the temple
To make it to heaven, so I can actually be worthy of being with my Mom again
And none of these do it. None of these influence me or compel me to forsaking and repenting of my sins. Sometimes I think they do, but if I truly had forsaken it then why am I here, where I am, right now? I am sitting in the muck of my addiction. The muck is manifested by low self esteem, shame, depression, irritability of those closest to me which then leads to fights, withdrawal, isolation and resentment in my marriage.
I wish I could say, just as King Lamoni's father did " I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy. (Alma 22:15)." But when I listened to that passage today, I truly searched in myself, "am I willing to do that? Am I willing to give up all that I possess?"
And the answer I came to was, "no."
So what's it gonna take? Huh, Seattle? WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE?!? Are you going to wait until you lose your family before you straighten up?
Step one: honesty. Admit I have an addiction. Admit I am powerless. Oh, I admit it. This is much bigger than me, but I now recognize that NO ONE on this earth can take care of it for me. And that's the hardest part; the most daunting, overwhelming, hopeless feeling for me. It sure highlights a lot about my character; I have always considered myself a hard worker, but this is hard work that I want to walk away from.
How's that for honesty?
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Compassion
"In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience – our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror....Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." -Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Today, one of my elderly patients unexpectedly emulated the most compassion towards me. We haven't seen one another in over a month and acknowledging that summer was fading away, she cheerfully wished to me, "I hope you've had a good summer!" I am hardly close to this lady, but her comment triggered sadness and next thing you know, I'm in my chair telling her about the surprise loss of my mom in August. This woman, styled with pink and purple highlights in her otherwise piercingly white hair, met me in my sorrow. She expressed with such empathy, "Oh dear, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry."
I am telling you, it was not her words--for I have heard those words plenty of times over the last two weeks--rather, it was in her tone and in her eyes. I could sense that she was drawing deep from a well of past relationships. I appreciated that moment a lot today. I appreciated her.
I aspire to be that compassionate to others.
Today, one of my elderly patients unexpectedly emulated the most compassion towards me. We haven't seen one another in over a month and acknowledging that summer was fading away, she cheerfully wished to me, "I hope you've had a good summer!" I am hardly close to this lady, but her comment triggered sadness and next thing you know, I'm in my chair telling her about the surprise loss of my mom in August. This woman, styled with pink and purple highlights in her otherwise piercingly white hair, met me in my sorrow. She expressed with such empathy, "Oh dear, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry."
I am telling you, it was not her words--for I have heard those words plenty of times over the last two weeks--rather, it was in her tone and in her eyes. I could sense that she was drawing deep from a well of past relationships. I appreciated that moment a lot today. I appreciated her.
I aspire to be that compassionate to others.
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