I can’t explain myself
I don’t know why I think about this non stop this week but I had a therapy session on Monday and was completely hijacked by it.
We didn’t even talk about anything that awesome.
But when I left, my brain stayed in the office and for about five hours I just wanted to get away from my family and sit in silence and reflect on the session. I wish I could remember everything we had said; The order of conversation, etc...
We discussed the irritatingly inappropriate text my dad sent me.
But I quickly grew tired of that conversation because I feel like I have hashed it out from every angle and only time will heal that wound.
So we moved to the weekends current trigger, that of a 20/20 episode of this rich guy who in his own way, trafficked young teenage girls, and fondled them in this own home.
I knew as soon as this show started unfolding that I’d be triggered by its content. Sexual fondling is my sexual abuse story. It’s my trauma.
As I listened to some of these ladies who were victimized tell their story, I had a handful of thoughts in relation to what I was hearing. First was the girl who explained how she never went back. She was paid money for her experience being there, not understanding that she was signing up to be fondled. She felt so disgusted and ashamed and didn’t have a desire to go back,
But there were others who went back, not because they didn’t feel disgusted or ashamed, because I am sure they did, but something compelled them to go back. My conscious thought when I heard their story was, “That would be me. I would have gone back.”
Second, I recognized a conscious thought as I specifically watched these ladies tell their stories. “I wish I was you.”
I wish I was you.
I wish I was you.
Was I really thinking this? What did this thought mean? I had to sit with these thoughts all the night long before I figured out what was underneath them.
I wished I was her (or them) because they get to tell their story and people readily recognize it for the trauma it is. Their wounds are validated, and being attended to and they deserve that every whit! I wish I was her because she got to speak to that camera and say what happened and she didn’t have to worry about ruining someone’s reputation or putting her close family associations through judgement and shame. She didn’t have to carry that as a family secret.
I want that freedom.
I’ve cracked open the dialogue with my sister this year. I requested my report from the child department of justice center-or-something-or-other earlier this year. I told my sister I was awaiting it. She talked about some of my emotions around it. I told her how her name was on it and she validated the one experience that she had with the same brother, to which I said “Mine wasn’t just one experience.”
Now I don’t know the mindset of my sister, or the dynamic of my brother - but I find this ironic based on my assessment of the tv show guests. My sister was the one who was like the one girl in the episode whose experience was reeked with discomfort, disgust and shame and “she never went back” and/or my brother never messed with her again. But that wasn’t the same for me, and I don’t know why. It’s a giant question, full of shame that looms over me. Why did I go back? Or, even, why did he continue to choose me?
Because let’s face it we were in the same house. I wasn’t “going back” anywhere. I was just living my life in my home, my bathroom, my family basement, during our family’s vacations, during my family’s work time at the apartments. I was living my life, and these sexual experiences were littered throughout all the mundane and should-be safe and secure living situations. I honestly don’t know what percentage of those I really “went back” to and which ones just ended up happening to me without my permission during my attempt to live a regular life.
I also don’t even know the first time this happened. I mean, I THINK I remember the first time I had a sexual type experience with my brother. But I can’t be certain and I certainly don’t know what time was our last. My brain wishes it could remember everything - beginning, middle and end. How old was I when this began? What were all the situations leading into this? How often and regularly was I targeted? How many times did I do something to illicit the attention? When did trauma bonding begin to occur for me? Could I have stopped it? Why did you pick me? Why did it keep happening? Why why why why why why why? I wish I could know and remember it all, honestly. I believe if I did, I’d better understand my behaviors today.
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
Trauma
“I am NOT TRAUMATIZED!”
These were the words that came out of my mouth during my first session with Aaron. I had been through two other therapists before they unexpectedly had to move so I was starting to become familiar with this word, “trauma”. I guess Aaron was no different in that in our initial session, he tried to tie back some of the unwanted behaviors to trauma. Because why else would I have said that?
I understand now that my definition of trauma then was different than it is now. Trauma was something terrible, horrible and generally accepted as a huge deal. War is trauma. A violent kidnapping and rape is trauma. And these are. But, think of them at capital T trauma.
I was pretty defensive of my childhood when I first started therapy. Therapist Dave tried to get me to dig into my family of origin. I perceived this was an exercise to criticize and break down all the horrible things that my parents did poorly. I simply wasn’t interested in participating in that. I remember going through some workbooks with him and only writing what I believed could be presented in the best light. I had a very good childhood and I was going to prove it.
And this is where I was during my first session with Aaron...no interest in going down childhood of origin stuff. There was no trauma there. And trauma just wasn’t me. That was for victims, and I wasn’t a victim.
I don’t even know when or how the stuff between my brother even got brought up. I know I talked about it some with Dave, because 2013 happened. There was a lot of additional trauma in 2013 tied to the childhood trauma I was in denial over. And some of it was fresh trauma, including the unexpected passing of my mom.
But when or how this got brought up with Aaron, I have no idea.
The main focus of my seeing Aaron was to handle the immediate crisis in my marriage. We were in such a low state with deep emotional pain. I was in deep grief over the loss of my mom. I was pregnant with my second son at the time, and Aaron questioned if the baby was my husband’s. I started in some group therapies and got to know people in the recovery network which was crucial to my not feeling alone. I guess this is when I started tellin my story more,
During first step newcomer meetings, my quick story usually started like this:
I discovered masturbation when I was young. Like really young. It didn’t have a sexual drive to it, at least initially but it’s been a habit for as long as I can remember. Then I had a brother who showed some sexual interest in me as a young child. This lasted for years and when that sexual attention ended, I turned to pornography. I kept this behavior all as secret and lived a life where I was weighed down by Shame and self loathing and just trying to navigate adolescence as I understood it. I finally disclosed everything at age 17 and just considered this to be my ending point. I was not going to engage in that behavior anymore and there was no reason to think about any of it because I had forgiven all parties and it was time to move on.
Then my newcomer share would evolve into how the beast of addictive and compulsive behavior kept coming up for me.
And now I can see, and admit how much more it ties back to my childhood. Specifically how it tied back to that one liner, “I had a brother who showed some sexual interest in me as a child.” It was so much more than one line of my life. Maybe not capital T trauma. But “little t” trauma over and over and over and over again. It adds up.
These were the words that came out of my mouth during my first session with Aaron. I had been through two other therapists before they unexpectedly had to move so I was starting to become familiar with this word, “trauma”. I guess Aaron was no different in that in our initial session, he tried to tie back some of the unwanted behaviors to trauma. Because why else would I have said that?
I understand now that my definition of trauma then was different than it is now. Trauma was something terrible, horrible and generally accepted as a huge deal. War is trauma. A violent kidnapping and rape is trauma. And these are. But, think of them at capital T trauma.
I was pretty defensive of my childhood when I first started therapy. Therapist Dave tried to get me to dig into my family of origin. I perceived this was an exercise to criticize and break down all the horrible things that my parents did poorly. I simply wasn’t interested in participating in that. I remember going through some workbooks with him and only writing what I believed could be presented in the best light. I had a very good childhood and I was going to prove it.
And this is where I was during my first session with Aaron...no interest in going down childhood of origin stuff. There was no trauma there. And trauma just wasn’t me. That was for victims, and I wasn’t a victim.
I don’t even know when or how the stuff between my brother even got brought up. I know I talked about it some with Dave, because 2013 happened. There was a lot of additional trauma in 2013 tied to the childhood trauma I was in denial over. And some of it was fresh trauma, including the unexpected passing of my mom.
But when or how this got brought up with Aaron, I have no idea.
The main focus of my seeing Aaron was to handle the immediate crisis in my marriage. We were in such a low state with deep emotional pain. I was in deep grief over the loss of my mom. I was pregnant with my second son at the time, and Aaron questioned if the baby was my husband’s. I started in some group therapies and got to know people in the recovery network which was crucial to my not feeling alone. I guess this is when I started tellin my story more,
During first step newcomer meetings, my quick story usually started like this:
I discovered masturbation when I was young. Like really young. It didn’t have a sexual drive to it, at least initially but it’s been a habit for as long as I can remember. Then I had a brother who showed some sexual interest in me as a young child. This lasted for years and when that sexual attention ended, I turned to pornography. I kept this behavior all as secret and lived a life where I was weighed down by Shame and self loathing and just trying to navigate adolescence as I understood it. I finally disclosed everything at age 17 and just considered this to be my ending point. I was not going to engage in that behavior anymore and there was no reason to think about any of it because I had forgiven all parties and it was time to move on.
Then my newcomer share would evolve into how the beast of addictive and compulsive behavior kept coming up for me.
And now I can see, and admit how much more it ties back to my childhood. Specifically how it tied back to that one liner, “I had a brother who showed some sexual interest in me as a child.” It was so much more than one line of my life. Maybe not capital T trauma. But “little t” trauma over and over and over and over again. It adds up.
2020 update
Wooooooeeeee. It has been a long time since I have blogged. This blog marked the beginning of my recovery days over five years ago!
Since April of 2014, my family has moved. My marriage dipped into a space a deep emotional pain, and in August of 2015 we decided to separate. This lasted only seven months. I took the kids to a different state and we each worked on our selves separate from each other. This was a very good decision and there were so many ways the Lord blessed us in walking down this road
We have welcomed another child into our family
And we have continued in both couples and personal therapies through out the years on and off. I can tell you, the last two years in our marriage have been our absolute BEST! I love my husband. I appreciate him. Our communication skills have taken a complete 180 and we have been healed in many, many capacities.
Currently, my personal focus is on my childhood trauma and sexual abuse. This is what brings me back to my blog today. I need to write and I need to write about that. So onto my next post. XOXO ~Seattle
Since April of 2014, my family has moved. My marriage dipped into a space a deep emotional pain, and in August of 2015 we decided to separate. This lasted only seven months. I took the kids to a different state and we each worked on our selves separate from each other. This was a very good decision and there were so many ways the Lord blessed us in walking down this road
We have welcomed another child into our family
And we have continued in both couples and personal therapies through out the years on and off. I can tell you, the last two years in our marriage have been our absolute BEST! I love my husband. I appreciate him. Our communication skills have taken a complete 180 and we have been healed in many, many capacities.
Currently, my personal focus is on my childhood trauma and sexual abuse. This is what brings me back to my blog today. I need to write and I need to write about that. So onto my next post. XOXO ~Seattle
Monday, April 28, 2014
lost
I am so sad right now.
I feel very lost.
I feel surrounded by failure. That I am a failure. That I am going to fail. So much of this is for naught.
I've had my sister with us all week, and she's such a bright and cheery person. And I'd like to say I feel inspired by her and had an enjoyable time, but mostly I felt like I was running to keep up a facade. I put so much energy into trying to patch any hole she might see into my life that my marriage is not as happy as hers. That my relationship with my husband sucks. I didn't want her to see any of my internet history and be able to see that I read LDS addiction blogs. I didn't want her to come across my therapy binders or my SA white book.
I really struggled to be real and authentic with her. And I think that is what is bothering me so much right now. That has left me vulnerable to a spiraling down of depression. I don't know. I don't get it.
When she left I was full of so many mixed feelings; I wish so badly that she didn't have to leave, because I love her and want her influence in my life. Yet I felt relief because I'm done with the cover-up-ing and the humiliation.
I felt so humiliated often this weekend. Normally the things I hear and the conversations that happen between my hubby and I are just what they are, and I deal with them. But this weekend they stood out to me (and I'm sure to her) as unhealthy, dysfunctional and without love. I struggle to speak care to him as he does to me. I feel lonely in a place where I expect to feel love. I'm sure he feels the exact same way. And this leaves me hopeless. What do we do? How can we possibly undo everything that's been done? I feel very lost.
I feel very lost.
I feel surrounded by failure. That I am a failure. That I am going to fail. So much of this is for naught.
I've had my sister with us all week, and she's such a bright and cheery person. And I'd like to say I feel inspired by her and had an enjoyable time, but mostly I felt like I was running to keep up a facade. I put so much energy into trying to patch any hole she might see into my life that my marriage is not as happy as hers. That my relationship with my husband sucks. I didn't want her to see any of my internet history and be able to see that I read LDS addiction blogs. I didn't want her to come across my therapy binders or my SA white book.
I really struggled to be real and authentic with her. And I think that is what is bothering me so much right now. That has left me vulnerable to a spiraling down of depression. I don't know. I don't get it.
When she left I was full of so many mixed feelings; I wish so badly that she didn't have to leave, because I love her and want her influence in my life. Yet I felt relief because I'm done with the cover-up-ing and the humiliation.
I felt so humiliated often this weekend. Normally the things I hear and the conversations that happen between my hubby and I are just what they are, and I deal with them. But this weekend they stood out to me (and I'm sure to her) as unhealthy, dysfunctional and without love. I struggle to speak care to him as he does to me. I feel lonely in a place where I expect to feel love. I'm sure he feels the exact same way. And this leaves me hopeless. What do we do? How can we possibly undo everything that's been done? I feel very lost.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Slip Justifications
Wanna know a phrase that I just hate? That slips are meant to be part of recovery. Or that slips are an important part of recovery. Or that no one goes through recovery without a slip.
I believe that most of the time, phrases similar to this are spoken after a slip in an effort to minimize shame or help the addict "feel better."
Okay, okay, it may be true that there hasn't been one single person who has started recovery and never had a slip, but telling me that slips are part of the process is JUST WHAT THE ADDICT WANTS TO HEAR!
When I hear that, I feel like I've been given permission to toy with my triggers; to play with them a little bit because I'm gonna slip eventually, right?
But the reality is: slipping is not part of my plan. It may happen, but I'm not going to justify it as necessary to my recovery. I know now that I can't give myself grace when I slip. It's Jesus Christ who offers me grace. What He asks in return is a commitment of my whole life, mind and soul and to be changed through Him.
So I guess in a one sentence summation: Slipping is not an essential part of the process. Getting up and asking for God's Grace, is.
I believe that most of the time, phrases similar to this are spoken after a slip in an effort to minimize shame or help the addict "feel better."
Okay, okay, it may be true that there hasn't been one single person who has started recovery and never had a slip, but telling me that slips are part of the process is JUST WHAT THE ADDICT WANTS TO HEAR!
When I hear that, I feel like I've been given permission to toy with my triggers; to play with them a little bit because I'm gonna slip eventually, right?
But the reality is: slipping is not part of my plan. It may happen, but I'm not going to justify it as necessary to my recovery. I know now that I can't give myself grace when I slip. It's Jesus Christ who offers me grace. What He asks in return is a commitment of my whole life, mind and soul and to be changed through Him.
So I guess in a one sentence summation: Slipping is not an essential part of the process. Getting up and asking for God's Grace, is.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
A lesson on over sharing
I keep thinking I need to delete my blog. Like--put whatever energy I'm putting into it into something else instead. Just a random intro thought...
If you've been following my last couple of posts, then this will make more sense. I reached out to my therapist last night and we had a phone session today which was the best. So much honesty and clarity. I am pro therapy-no joke! No matter how much I study addiction and try to learn about it, when I'm in my cycle I'm certain I've got blinders up. I need people on the outside to snap me out of it!
I told her about sharing my most recent trigger with my husband. Luckily I have a friend (WoPA) who taught me that I've had time to process thru what I have and that when I expose something, it's brand new to my spouse and I need to now give him the time (maybe weeks) to process what I've shared.
Well, I didn't do so hot at giving him much time. And I also wasn't sure I shared in "the best way", but I shared. I tried. I knew I had to do it, and so I'm reminding myself my intentions were good.
But my therapist confirmed that I may have overshared, indeed. And that I probably really triggered my husband. She affirmed that it will be okay on both ends, just that I need to let him process it and be respectful of it. She also affirmed to me that my attempt to share in the best and most honest way proves I am fighting for recovery.
"So how do I share next time," I asked? I don't want to use the excuse that I might over share, to not share at all! That's what the addict wants me to do! Her tips, at least in this particular circumstance were:
1) Share that you are feeling triggered
2) Share that you are reaching out because you want to break the cycle
3) Then share what action steps you are taking (who you're reaching out to, accountability partners and dailies).
My husband will likely still feel triggered, and may ask for more details but at least he will be asking because he feels ready to handle more information. She also talked about the spouse (in her experience) often struggles with upset and anxious feelings, but strangely it is typically followed up with a sense of relief and safety knowing their spouse didn't keep it a secret.
I really liked that. And hope its true. I'm calming down. I'm coming clean. I'll be continuing to make some more action steps tomorrow and likely making phone calls the rest of the week. I am not through this cycle yet. I will not boast. One day at a time...
If you've been following my last couple of posts, then this will make more sense. I reached out to my therapist last night and we had a phone session today which was the best. So much honesty and clarity. I am pro therapy-no joke! No matter how much I study addiction and try to learn about it, when I'm in my cycle I'm certain I've got blinders up. I need people on the outside to snap me out of it!
I told her about sharing my most recent trigger with my husband. Luckily I have a friend (WoPA) who taught me that I've had time to process thru what I have and that when I expose something, it's brand new to my spouse and I need to now give him the time (maybe weeks) to process what I've shared.
Well, I didn't do so hot at giving him much time. And I also wasn't sure I shared in "the best way", but I shared. I tried. I knew I had to do it, and so I'm reminding myself my intentions were good.
But my therapist confirmed that I may have overshared, indeed. And that I probably really triggered my husband. She affirmed that it will be okay on both ends, just that I need to let him process it and be respectful of it. She also affirmed to me that my attempt to share in the best and most honest way proves I am fighting for recovery.
"So how do I share next time," I asked? I don't want to use the excuse that I might over share, to not share at all! That's what the addict wants me to do! Her tips, at least in this particular circumstance were:
1) Share that you are feeling triggered
2) Share that you are reaching out because you want to break the cycle
3) Then share what action steps you are taking (who you're reaching out to, accountability partners and dailies).
My husband will likely still feel triggered, and may ask for more details but at least he will be asking because he feels ready to handle more information. She also talked about the spouse (in her experience) often struggles with upset and anxious feelings, but strangely it is typically followed up with a sense of relief and safety knowing their spouse didn't keep it a secret.
I really liked that. And hope its true. I'm calming down. I'm coming clean. I'll be continuing to make some more action steps tomorrow and likely making phone calls the rest of the week. I am not through this cycle yet. I will not boast. One day at a time...
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Action Steps and the procrastination thereof
a follow up to my last post:
Finally found some clarity after what seemed like way too long just being stuck in my own head. That dream was a big trigger for me, but it was primarily a slap in the face to get my life in order (again).
Again.
And I'm still working on that piece. Working on cultivating courage to have what I think are going to be hard conversations. Specifically with my hubs. They are only hard because it seems anything to do with communicating real feelings is hard. Things are just so inconsistent. Sometimes we have really good, deep shares but then long periods of time of nothing.
But mostly, those last few sentences are just justifications to not have the conversations that I feel I need to have.
I'm good at justifying; at believing more things are out of my control than in it. But what it really boils down to is: I don't want to take action. I'd rather sit in my current state, and hope that everything will just remain okay. But there's work to be done. Boundaries to redefine. Safety nets to put into place.
I met with my bishop today. I just put it out there. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a legitimate reason to be there unless I've legitimately done something: slipped or relapsed. But like I said in my last post, it's the little things! And I had to push through a lot of shame to reach out to him in my current state--to say, "I'm struggling with stuff. But it's all in my head. But here's what is in my head anyway. Please just hear me. Please understand me. Please lead me to my Savior because I'm having a hard time wanting to find Him on my own. Help me want to want Him. Help me to want Recovery."
I feel I walked away still clearly knowing what my next step needs to be. But still clearly fighting it. Well I've proven one thing: I'm a fighter, I just can't always tell for which side. Haha.
Over and out.
Finally found some clarity after what seemed like way too long just being stuck in my own head. That dream was a big trigger for me, but it was primarily a slap in the face to get my life in order (again).
Again.
And I'm still working on that piece. Working on cultivating courage to have what I think are going to be hard conversations. Specifically with my hubs. They are only hard because it seems anything to do with communicating real feelings is hard. Things are just so inconsistent. Sometimes we have really good, deep shares but then long periods of time of nothing.
But mostly, those last few sentences are just justifications to not have the conversations that I feel I need to have.
I'm good at justifying; at believing more things are out of my control than in it. But what it really boils down to is: I don't want to take action. I'd rather sit in my current state, and hope that everything will just remain okay. But there's work to be done. Boundaries to redefine. Safety nets to put into place.
I met with my bishop today. I just put it out there. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a legitimate reason to be there unless I've legitimately done something: slipped or relapsed. But like I said in my last post, it's the little things! And I had to push through a lot of shame to reach out to him in my current state--to say, "I'm struggling with stuff. But it's all in my head. But here's what is in my head anyway. Please just hear me. Please understand me. Please lead me to my Savior because I'm having a hard time wanting to find Him on my own. Help me want to want Him. Help me to want Recovery."
I feel I walked away still clearly knowing what my next step needs to be. But still clearly fighting it. Well I've proven one thing: I'm a fighter, I just can't always tell for which side. Haha.
Over and out.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Tug Of War
I'm in my cycle.
I don't know if that's the right terminology, but it seems like that's what my therapist would say.
There's just little things that keep standing out to me--instances where I let my guard down. Rather, I let a thought stay. Or, find excitement/thrill from it, rather than a desire to push it away from me.
That being said, I can't pinpoint much of anything like... how serious this is.
But, really that doesn't matter because anything...any. little. thing. is a step towards disrupting my peace & sobriety. And I don't want that. Every time it's these little things that build up and all of the sudden I look back and realize I've created something huge. Got to manage the little things.
Triggering, power-holding dream last week. I couldn't stop thinking about this dream for days. I didn't reach out to one person. Nope. Then I finally went to the SA meeting and just shared about it some, but with little relief. I felt how much power this dream had over me. It was so true to something that can actually happen in reality, that I realized I could truly make it a reality. And not only that, I wanted to!
But then of course, I don't want to!!
So I am back in the game of tug-of-war with myself. And one of me is going to win.
I think I'd best get back into seeing my therapist to break it down with complete honesty. It's not enough for me to just share it in a group setting. I need someone to get to the gutsy interior with me.
I don't know if that's the right terminology, but it seems like that's what my therapist would say.
There's just little things that keep standing out to me--instances where I let my guard down. Rather, I let a thought stay. Or, find excitement/thrill from it, rather than a desire to push it away from me.
That being said, I can't pinpoint much of anything like... how serious this is.
But, really that doesn't matter because anything...any. little. thing. is a step towards disrupting my peace & sobriety. And I don't want that. Every time it's these little things that build up and all of the sudden I look back and realize I've created something huge. Got to manage the little things.
Triggering, power-holding dream last week. I couldn't stop thinking about this dream for days. I didn't reach out to one person. Nope. Then I finally went to the SA meeting and just shared about it some, but with little relief. I felt how much power this dream had over me. It was so true to something that can actually happen in reality, that I realized I could truly make it a reality. And not only that, I wanted to!
But then of course, I don't want to!!
So I am back in the game of tug-of-war with myself. And one of me is going to win.
I think I'd best get back into seeing my therapist to break it down with complete honesty. It's not enough for me to just share it in a group setting. I need someone to get to the gutsy interior with me.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
SA Club: No Boys Allowed!
Today I did something I haven't done in a very, very long time: I got out of bed at 7am!!
I also did something I have never done before: Attended an SA meeting! Best part, it was Women's Only!
The first day I committed to attending an ARP group, I was filled with a lot of worry. This morning's experience was no different--I dreamt all night long about the meeting, getting lost trying to find the meeting, not making it to the meeting, and altogether trying to avoid the meeting. I worried a lot!!
But luckily, thankfully, God blessed me with the energy and courage to go.
And it was wonderful.
And now I have a handful of "real life", "face-to-face" contacts EACH OF WHOM VOLUNTEERED THEIR PHONE NUMBERS, and greeted me and welcomed me, and I dare say loved me when they didn't even know me yet. Holy crap!! That happens?
Yes. Yes it does. Hallelujah for my new group.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Werewolf and His Cage
I used to think change was easy for me; that I was easily adaptable. But I do not believe that anymore because I've been able to see how change has affected me in the recent past.
I've been thinking about this upcoming July. It will be a moment of a lot of change:
• Welcoming a 2nd child into our home
• Less Sleep
• Leaving work for a period of time
• Financial change to having only one income
• Preparing to move, and figuring out to where!
These are a few of the things I'm anticipating already. What else do I anticipate as a result of all this change?
• Higher stress
• Less cognitive processing of my emotions
• More knee-jerk emotional reactions
• Baby blues
• I worry about letting down my guard and increasing susceptibility to triggers
I hope that I can continue to reality check shame no matter what. In fact, I hope a lot of things:
•I hope with self awareness right now, I can start building a safety net to catch me in my sadness and/or anxiety, or in whichever emotion I end up experiencing.
• I hope this safety net will provide me with an opportunity to recenter myself and bounce back quickly.
• I hope I will not be as depressed as I anticipate, but that if I am that I will be okay in my depression.
My safety net = cage. It's not containment. It's protection. It's safety. It's preplanned out of love for myself. And I love me.
I've been thinking about this upcoming July. It will be a moment of a lot of change:
• Welcoming a 2nd child into our home
• Less Sleep
• Leaving work for a period of time
• Financial change to having only one income
• Preparing to move, and figuring out to where!
These are a few of the things I'm anticipating already. What else do I anticipate as a result of all this change?
• Higher stress
• Less cognitive processing of my emotions
• More knee-jerk emotional reactions
• Baby blues
• I worry about letting down my guard and increasing susceptibility to triggers
I hope that I can continue to reality check shame no matter what. In fact, I hope a lot of things:
•I hope with self awareness right now, I can start building a safety net to catch me in my sadness and/or anxiety, or in whichever emotion I end up experiencing.
• I hope this safety net will provide me with an opportunity to recenter myself and bounce back quickly.
• I hope I will not be as depressed as I anticipate, but that if I am that I will be okay in my depression.
I remember friend, Sidreis texting me a sentence of a werewolf and a cage once. I don't remember the specifics of her analogy, but it resonated with me and this is how I've visualized the analogy ever since:
Werewolf and His Cage
(in the context of sex addiction, though applicable to just about anything)
"Werewolf" during the daytime is an okay guy. He is pleasant to be around and strives to be a valuable person to his community. In fact, most people don't even realize he is a Werewolf. However, the man knows during the safe times, the days when he's feeling okay and making the most of his life, he needs to put some effort into building a cage. Yes, things seem fine now but the man knows the full moon will come. So he labors.
When the full moon rises, or the triggers are high, the man locks himself away. He hands over the key to somebody he trusts to unlock it later. He does all of this for safety. While tucked away in his cage Werewolf is safe. The people are safe. He will not hurt them or ravage their homes. And when the sun rises again, the man will overcome the werewolf and he is set free. In fact, because of his labor, he is free, and he can and will feel just fine.
My safety net = cage. It's not containment. It's protection. It's safety. It's preplanned out of love for myself. And I love me.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
People change
Some people might learn about what I've done in my life and easily sneer and judge, "You are a bad person." But I know differently. I know I've made bad choices, but I also know without a doubt I'm of worth. I know my heart and mind and intentions as of today. I rejoice over grace and the gift of repentance. Perhaps God will send me to hell in the end, but I don't know that. And honestly, to go through life believing in that sounds miserable!!!
I'd rather live believing that no matter what happens, God will still greet me with a giant hug even if I can't stay with Him. But because I can only imagine love in our reuniting I'm inspired to move forward, continue to stay on guard, and find ways to help and love others.
I am a changeable person. Where I am now isn't a reflection of the person I've necessarily always been or always will be. That's hope.
I'd rather live believing that no matter what happens, God will still greet me with a giant hug even if I can't stay with Him. But because I can only imagine love in our reuniting I'm inspired to move forward, continue to stay on guard, and find ways to help and love others.
I am a changeable person. Where I am now isn't a reflection of the person I've necessarily always been or always will be. That's hope.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Leaning into joy and later disappointment, and I'm still okay
This post really has no direct correlation to addiction, but this is a good place to journal some thoughts and my personal breakdown and experience with vulnerability, and of leaning into discomfort and joy. Yet, it very much is related to addiction because I would've never delved so deeply into these topics had it not been for propelling numbing and addictive behaviors that I have been trying to understand.
Brene' Brown teaches me not to rob myself of joy with the "what if's" (at least that's how I think of it). I practiced that when I took a positive pregnancy test in October. *This* was a joyous moment for me, or at least I suspected it should be, but within moments of actually accepting the reality of what I was looking at on my bathroom counter the "what ifs" began to enter into my mind:
"What if he/she isn't healthy?"
"You can't/shouldn't tell anyone because you might miscarry." Essentially everything that could possibly go wrong knocked at my door. But I refused to let them settle. Why? Because they were robbing me of my joy! And although feeling that level of joy was somewhat uncomfortable and unfamiliar, I embraced it.
I embraced overwhelming joy and happiness in that moment.
But today I feel the opposite of joy. I haven't been shy in letting others know I hope for a girl. Did I know there was a chance for a boy? Of course I did. But I wasn't going to bury my reality of hope for a girl just because it could be a boy. I let myself feel hope. I allowed myself to dream and imagine life with a girl.
Only my son attended the ultrasound with me this morning. When the tech told us 1/2 way through, "It's a boy!" my response was, "Bummer." My son's was more excited, "Yes! I always guess right. Like this morning, when I guessed which elevator door was going to open, I guessed that right, too!"
The tech continued her work and I lay there silently, disappointedly. I honestly didn't anticipate how deeply the disappointment would settle if I learned it was a boy. Tears began to form. I didn't cry an ugly cry, in fact I'm sure the tech didn't even notice the few tears that ran down my cheeks. I felt a whole range of emotions, and exerted my energy into identifying them (in my head, of course) as the tech finished her measurements.
I felt shame knocking at my door ready to tell me, "How selfish of you to not be grateful for a boy", or "You're disappointed that you're having a boy? Some people can't even get pregnant. How dare you..." But I refused to let shame settle. Instead I decided to feel empathy for myself. I let compassion in. I reminded myself how it was okay to be disappointed and how proud I am of myself to let myself be vulnerable throughout this pregnancy thus far.
That's not to say I wasn't happy when the appointment was finally over. I went to Starbucks in the lobby to impulsively buy a hot chocolate. It was my attempt to numb at least some of the sadness. We browsed the baby shops and seriously the girl selection was way better than the boy's. Sadness overwhelmed me again. I just let it. I did come across somecute adorable baby bow ties, though! "This just might do it," I thought, "I will be able to get excited about a boy eventually."
I will be getting this boy a freakin' adorable bow tie eventually, just not one from the hospital that costs $26. It will stand as my reminder that embracing vulnerability is the way to wholehearted living. And that's one of the biggest things I want to teach my sons--to know who they are, to know they are worthy of love and belonging and to live life wholeheartedly.
Brene' Brown teaches me not to rob myself of joy with the "what if's" (at least that's how I think of it). I practiced that when I took a positive pregnancy test in October. *This* was a joyous moment for me, or at least I suspected it should be, but within moments of actually accepting the reality of what I was looking at on my bathroom counter the "what ifs" began to enter into my mind:
"What if he/she isn't healthy?"
"You can't/shouldn't tell anyone because you might miscarry." Essentially everything that could possibly go wrong knocked at my door. But I refused to let them settle. Why? Because they were robbing me of my joy! And although feeling that level of joy was somewhat uncomfortable and unfamiliar, I embraced it.
I embraced overwhelming joy and happiness in that moment.
But today I feel the opposite of joy. I haven't been shy in letting others know I hope for a girl. Did I know there was a chance for a boy? Of course I did. But I wasn't going to bury my reality of hope for a girl just because it could be a boy. I let myself feel hope. I allowed myself to dream and imagine life with a girl.
Only my son attended the ultrasound with me this morning. When the tech told us 1/2 way through, "It's a boy!" my response was, "Bummer." My son's was more excited, "Yes! I always guess right. Like this morning, when I guessed which elevator door was going to open, I guessed that right, too!"
The tech continued her work and I lay there silently, disappointedly. I honestly didn't anticipate how deeply the disappointment would settle if I learned it was a boy. Tears began to form. I didn't cry an ugly cry, in fact I'm sure the tech didn't even notice the few tears that ran down my cheeks. I felt a whole range of emotions, and exerted my energy into identifying them (in my head, of course) as the tech finished her measurements.
I felt shame knocking at my door ready to tell me, "How selfish of you to not be grateful for a boy", or "You're disappointed that you're having a boy? Some people can't even get pregnant. How dare you..." But I refused to let shame settle. Instead I decided to feel empathy for myself. I let compassion in. I reminded myself how it was okay to be disappointed and how proud I am of myself to let myself be vulnerable throughout this pregnancy thus far.
That's not to say I wasn't happy when the appointment was finally over. I went to Starbucks in the lobby to impulsively buy a hot chocolate. It was my attempt to numb at least some of the sadness. We browsed the baby shops and seriously the girl selection was way better than the boy's. Sadness overwhelmed me again. I just let it. I did come across some
I will be getting this boy a freakin' adorable bow tie eventually, just not one from the hospital that costs $26. It will stand as my reminder that embracing vulnerability is the way to wholehearted living. And that's one of the biggest things I want to teach my sons--to know who they are, to know they are worthy of love and belonging and to live life wholeheartedly.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Disciplinary Councils
Have you ever gone through a disciplinary council? Why did you do it? (Not like...what landed you there, but why did you choose to have the DC).
Did you trust your bishop? Even moreso, did you trust his counselors (and, oh yah, the exec secretary who gets to join in for some odd reason)?
Perhaps I'm gawking at the order of the church right now, because I don't find it fair that I should have to share such personal information with mostly people that I don't know OR trust! I don't even feel like my Bishop really shows up for me, but when I say that, the shame gremlins enter my head.
Shame Gremlin: You deserve none of his time. He's so busy helping other people.
Shame Gremlin: He cancels and reschedules on you a lot because you are not worth it.
Shame Gremlin: He doesn't care about you.
They're there. And they hurt. And although some of them gremlins I can logically walk away from other ones keep getting reinforced. I wouldn't say I don't like my bishop, but I don't like him as my bishop, right now.
And so then when it comes to thinking about being involved with a DC with him as the head of the meeting, I cringe. You don't care about me. I am not just a "process to go through". This is my life! This is my story--real, raw and even humiliating. I don't just attach my name to it with anyone--they need to earn my vulnerability.
But unfortunately, I feel like I have to do it. If I want to go to the temple again...I have to endure this. I have to tell complete strangers my faults, so they can sit there and pretend like they care. But I don't believe them. AM I WRONG TO WANT THEM TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME AS A PERSON BEFORE A DC?
Friday, January 24, 2014
Shame and Grace
These are two principles that I believe have created a positive turning point for me:
1) Recognizing shame
2) Learning more about Grace
I am so thankful for grace which allows me to admit I didn't meet up to my potential, and that I can try again.
If you haven't watched this yet, please do: http://a12stepjournal.blogspot.com/2013/08/brad-wilcox-his-grace-is-sufficient.html
I especially like his analogy about the parent paying the piano teacher for the piano lessons for his/her child. The child can only "pay back that debt" by practicing, and becoming better. Afterall, that's all the parent hopes for!
And does the piano teacher kick the child out as soon as he/she plays a wrong note? No! He asks that you try again, too. Practice! Practice! Practice!
1) Recognizing shame
You have no idea how many times I have to advise myself, "Stop beating yourself up." For years over any given situation, shame could knock at my door and generally make its way into my soul. I can now recognize it's knocks, bolt the door and walk away.
2) Learning more about Grace
I am so thankful for grace which allows me to admit I didn't meet up to my potential, and that I can try again.
If you haven't watched this yet, please do: http://a12stepjournal.blogspot.com/2013/08/brad-wilcox-his-grace-is-sufficient.html
I especially like his analogy about the parent paying the piano teacher for the piano lessons for his/her child. The child can only "pay back that debt" by practicing, and becoming better. Afterall, that's all the parent hopes for!
And does the piano teacher kick the child out as soon as he/she plays a wrong note? No! He asks that you try again, too. Practice! Practice! Practice!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
A dream
So ever since my husband started reading my blog, I've become far less interested in posting. I can't really label why, but I do know that knowing who is reading my blog and then potentially seeing them in person after posting something, can set me up for feeling ashamed for what I posted. (Did you follow that?)
I really have to think about my motives behind posting what I am, I guess.
A few weeks back or more, I had a dream: I was at work getting a male patient set up for his appointment, when he started making inappropriate comments. At first in my dream, I ignored him and didn't give him the response I assumed he desired, but he was persistent with his flirting and eventually my brain just latched to what he was saying and I started responding flirtatiously back. The dream was short lived, however it held strong energy. Ironically, while I was eliciting some of my addictive behaviors, I was likewise struggling with my better-self; the part of me who knows who I am, and knows that engaging in this behavior is taking me away from becoming who I want to become.
Still in a dream state, I withdrew from him and began to pray. Heavenly Father, forgive me! Please relieve me of these feelings! Please! I don't want to do this!!! As dream's energy sometimes does, I woke up from that dream with the feelings and guilt so raw and intense, I continued to pray in my (somewhat) awake state. I was relieved that this was just a dream, but petrified at what I had chosen to do, nevertheless. A message burned inside of me: Don't think you are well, just because you've been feeling well. You are still very vulnerable to your addiction, and it can snag you in an instant. You must always stay on guard.
I feel that God granted me the peace that I was seeking that morning. I felt He helped erase images from my dream (and the feelings associated with them) from my memory as well. But the message carried through to my heart; always stay on guard.
I don't know if it was coincidental, or if my dream just put me on edge to be wary of any male who walked through work's door the following day, but one certainly came in who was.....well, different. Everything about his body language, the way he hung around the office (after his appointment was over) made me uncomfortable. He even came back into the office after leaving, just because he had more questions.
Ugh, it wasn't like my dream, but I couldn't help but believe if God hadn't blessed me with that message, that I would've been oblivious to all of this and probably engaged more with him than neccessary. Instead, because I was determined to stay on guard and remember my weakness, I either defaulted to making my coworker answer his questions and me leaving the room, or just giving him the answer and not following up to get more information (bad customer service?)
I have recognized for myself that to have a weakness isn't bad. I've thought of the analogy of the hen who opens her wings, inviting her chicks to come under them for safety. I've been more diligently trying to keep that image in mind and to catch myself when I am choosing to wander from the safety of His wings. My weaknesses will only hurt me when I choose to leave the safety of my Savior. Like the scriptures say, "...if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I really have to think about my motives behind posting what I am, I guess.
A few weeks back or more, I had a dream: I was at work getting a male patient set up for his appointment, when he started making inappropriate comments. At first in my dream, I ignored him and didn't give him the response I assumed he desired, but he was persistent with his flirting and eventually my brain just latched to what he was saying and I started responding flirtatiously back. The dream was short lived, however it held strong energy. Ironically, while I was eliciting some of my addictive behaviors, I was likewise struggling with my better-self; the part of me who knows who I am, and knows that engaging in this behavior is taking me away from becoming who I want to become.
Still in a dream state, I withdrew from him and began to pray. Heavenly Father, forgive me! Please relieve me of these feelings! Please! I don't want to do this!!! As dream's energy sometimes does, I woke up from that dream with the feelings and guilt so raw and intense, I continued to pray in my (somewhat) awake state. I was relieved that this was just a dream, but petrified at what I had chosen to do, nevertheless. A message burned inside of me: Don't think you are well, just because you've been feeling well. You are still very vulnerable to your addiction, and it can snag you in an instant. You must always stay on guard.
I feel that God granted me the peace that I was seeking that morning. I felt He helped erase images from my dream (and the feelings associated with them) from my memory as well. But the message carried through to my heart; always stay on guard.
I don't know if it was coincidental, or if my dream just put me on edge to be wary of any male who walked through work's door the following day, but one certainly came in who was.....well, different. Everything about his body language, the way he hung around the office (after his appointment was over) made me uncomfortable. He even came back into the office after leaving, just because he had more questions.
Ugh, it wasn't like my dream, but I couldn't help but believe if God hadn't blessed me with that message, that I would've been oblivious to all of this and probably engaged more with him than neccessary. Instead, because I was determined to stay on guard and remember my weakness, I either defaulted to making my coworker answer his questions and me leaving the room, or just giving him the answer and not following up to get more information (bad customer service?)
I have recognized for myself that to have a weakness isn't bad. I've thought of the analogy of the hen who opens her wings, inviting her chicks to come under them for safety. I've been more diligently trying to keep that image in mind and to catch myself when I am choosing to wander from the safety of His wings. My weaknesses will only hurt me when I choose to leave the safety of my Savior. Like the scriptures say, "...if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
Friday, November 1, 2013
Paradigm Shift
I love my husband.
He asked me if I had done "anything bad today" and after I gave him my reply he said, "Well, that's one less thing than I thought, so way to go!"
And then I realized there was a victory among what I perceived to altogether be a failure. Thank you honey for helping me see that. :) I love you.
Okay *gag* at the sappiness. I know you want to.
He asked me if I had done "anything bad today" and after I gave him my reply he said, "Well, that's one less thing than I thought, so way to go!"
And then I realized there was a victory among what I perceived to altogether be a failure. Thank you honey for helping me see that. :) I love you.
Okay *gag* at the sappiness. I know you want to.
Acidic Addiction
Therapy today was like drinking a glass of acid. I've never actually
done that, and don't really know how that feels, but the heart wrenching
and painful honesty I was presented with makes my insides explode. I
wish I could throw up until my insides are purged clean. I feel sick. I
am sick.
The consequences of my addiction are, but not limited to, lack of trust in my relationships. Lack of trust of self. Losing my integrity. Poor self esteem. Lack of feeling joy. Loss of job. Financial strain from job loss and in paying for therapy. Lack of participation in spiritual affairs. Dents and misunderstandings in marriage. Ignoring my family and robbing myself of cultivating happy relationships with them.
And I could just go on...
But I can't. Rip my eyeballs from their sockets. Cut off my hands. Punch out my front teeth.
I keep thinking tomorrow I'll do better. God, what do you really see in me? What am I going to become?
I am a child of God, and He has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find The Way.
Does God ever give us more than we can handle? Ya, right now, I think He does. But I am coming to believe that I can handle trials, but only through His Grace. Honestly, I don't know how I'd even rekindle hope again if it weren't for my Higher Power!
As Warrior puts so well: Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it. I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it. I can't afford to drink in lust on any level. I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower. It is insufficient. Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.
I cannot forsake my God.
The consequences of my addiction are, but not limited to, lack of trust in my relationships. Lack of trust of self. Losing my integrity. Poor self esteem. Lack of feeling joy. Loss of job. Financial strain from job loss and in paying for therapy. Lack of participation in spiritual affairs. Dents and misunderstandings in marriage. Ignoring my family and robbing myself of cultivating happy relationships with them.
And I could just go on...
But I can't. Rip my eyeballs from their sockets. Cut off my hands. Punch out my front teeth.
I keep thinking tomorrow I'll do better. God, what do you really see in me? What am I going to become?
I am a child of God, and He has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find The Way.
Does God ever give us more than we can handle? Ya, right now, I think He does. But I am coming to believe that I can handle trials, but only through His Grace. Honestly, I don't know how I'd even rekindle hope again if it weren't for my Higher Power!
As Warrior puts so well: Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it. I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it. I can't afford to drink in lust on any level. I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower. It is insufficient. Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.
I cannot forsake my God.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Chapter Three
I look at the last 9 months as a life-changing experience. I have taken my life in a completely different direction; a direction that prior I didn't even know existed. I am shedding secrets and seeking help. Recovery is a proactive journey. I know this, though I don't always live it.Obviously, I've written several blogposts with snippets of some of my thoughts during this chapter of my life.
Many times I break my life into chapters. I think the reason why is because it helps bring me closure to a certain area and mentally gets me pumped to start anew.
Highlights in Chapter Three of My Story:
KNOWLEDGE
Attending counseling through LifeStar introduced me to addiction language, and aided me in putting my emotions and behaviors into words more clearly. I've also read lots of books to give me a better understanding of how addiction works and what shame is. But most important of all, I have learned that I am NOT alone! And that my worth is unchanging!
CONNECTION
One faulty core belief that I find myself believing frequently is: If you knew my secret life, my thoughts, my urges, fantasies/images, and behaviors, you would leave me. I desperately desire connection, yet I just as desperately fear abandonment.
However what I have experienced regularly during this chapter of my life, when I am honest, are friends and family who challenge me, hold me accountable and forgive me. Some of you, my friends in the blogger world, know my deepest, darkest place and have listened to me share my shame tapes. Sometimes you hear me in victim role, sometimes you respond when I simply need to be heard, and sometimes you hold me very accountable and don't want to hear from me again until I've made my amends. You challenge that faulty core belief by still being there later! I'm amazed. I appreciate you, and love you.
RELAPSE
Honestly, I don't think I'm doing this recovery thing all that well. I had 40 straight-sober days months ago and then I loosened my belt and let little things creep back in. All in all, I think this just set me up for relapse. At moments, I tighten things up again *cough*white-knuckling*cough* but my new therapist has helped me nail down a plan, and a vision for myself and I feel more hope for myself again. Thank Goodness.
DEPRESSION
I have experienced deeper levels of depression and lower drive to do practically anything except eat chocolate and play Plants VS. Zombies. I am struggling to connect with anyone in my ward, and it's very much because I have no desire to. I habitually sleep in too late and go to bed super early. I default to taking naps when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy. And with Mom's passing, it's only compounded the depression a hundred-fold. For a week there I was ready-to-go again. I was going to go home, do my visiting teaching, read and pray everyday .... No, I'm pretty sure I still get enough sleep for the both of us.
I have no resolution in this category, yet. I found a glimmer of hope in Elder Holland's conference address on depression. I believe this is a small moment for me, and I will come out okay.
I will come out okay.
As for the next chapter of my life---I am anticipating great things! EEEK!!
Read Chapter Two
Many times I break my life into chapters. I think the reason why is because it helps bring me closure to a certain area and mentally gets me pumped to start anew.
Highlights in Chapter Three of My Story:
KNOWLEDGE
Attending counseling through LifeStar introduced me to addiction language, and aided me in putting my emotions and behaviors into words more clearly. I've also read lots of books to give me a better understanding of how addiction works and what shame is. But most important of all, I have learned that I am NOT alone! And that my worth is unchanging!
CONNECTION
One faulty core belief that I find myself believing frequently is: If you knew my secret life, my thoughts, my urges, fantasies/images, and behaviors, you would leave me. I desperately desire connection, yet I just as desperately fear abandonment.
However what I have experienced regularly during this chapter of my life, when I am honest, are friends and family who challenge me, hold me accountable and forgive me. Some of you, my friends in the blogger world, know my deepest, darkest place and have listened to me share my shame tapes. Sometimes you hear me in victim role, sometimes you respond when I simply need to be heard, and sometimes you hold me very accountable and don't want to hear from me again until I've made my amends. You challenge that faulty core belief by still being there later! I'm amazed. I appreciate you, and love you.
RELAPSE
Honestly, I don't think I'm doing this recovery thing all that well. I had 40 straight-sober days months ago and then I loosened my belt and let little things creep back in. All in all, I think this just set me up for relapse. At moments, I tighten things up again *cough*white-knuckling*cough* but my new therapist has helped me nail down a plan, and a vision for myself and I feel more hope for myself again. Thank Goodness.
DEPRESSION
I have experienced deeper levels of depression and lower drive to do practically anything except eat chocolate and play Plants VS. Zombies. I am struggling to connect with anyone in my ward, and it's very much because I have no desire to. I habitually sleep in too late and go to bed super early. I default to taking naps when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy. And with Mom's passing, it's only compounded the depression a hundred-fold. For a week there I was ready-to-go again. I was going to go home, do my visiting teaching, read and pray everyday .... No, I'm pretty sure I still get enough sleep for the both of us.
I have no resolution in this category, yet. I found a glimmer of hope in Elder Holland's conference address on depression. I believe this is a small moment for me, and I will come out okay.
I will come out okay.
As for the next chapter of my life---I am anticipating great things! EEEK!!
Read Chapter Two
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Seattle Sex Addiction Recovery Groups
HELLO!!! It's been a while since I've blogged.
A couple months ago, my hubby and I finally started couple's counseling together and overall it has been a very good experience. I mean....it sucks....it's hard....and I tend to become very defensive and guarded, but on the flip side I have also tried to take that time to be vulnerable and share, and it's kind of relieving to get everything out there.
I have a very kind, and patient husband. I tell you, those character traits never became more startlingly clear until we started therapy together. Often times during our session, after hard discussions he'll reach over and grab my hand. Or, when I refuse to hold it back, he'll keep his hand on my leg. He continues to be there for me. Over. And over.
Our counselor and my Bishop still suggested I find someone to visit with personally who specializes in sex addiction. I *finally* found Heidi in Bellevue who I feel is a good match. One of the highlights of our discussion last week was on starting a women's recovery group.
A while back I posted about my desire to get one started. I feel like Heidi was practically on the same page as me! She's already received approval for their Bellevue office to start a group on either Mon/Tues Evenings. The fine details are still getting worked out, but please spread the word!
LifeStar does have a women's group up and running now through their program. Last I heard, it is in Renton on Thursdays 4-530.
And last of all, my stake president has also heard my requests and have now assigned their newest high councilman to be in charge of starting a Women's Only group for our surrounding Bellevue, Bellevue South and Redmond Stakes!! These details are also getting organized, but stay posted!
The ball is rolling. This is very exciting. Very good.
UPDATE:
The women's group at BCS is not operating. LifeStar has a women's group meeting on Mondays at 3. And SA meets at St. Andrew's Lutheran church (across from the temple) at 8am Saturday mornings.
A couple months ago, my hubby and I finally started couple's counseling together and overall it has been a very good experience. I mean....it sucks....it's hard....and I tend to become very defensive and guarded, but on the flip side I have also tried to take that time to be vulnerable and share, and it's kind of relieving to get everything out there.
I have a very kind, and patient husband. I tell you, those character traits never became more startlingly clear until we started therapy together. Often times during our session, after hard discussions he'll reach over and grab my hand. Or, when I refuse to hold it back, he'll keep his hand on my leg. He continues to be there for me. Over. And over.
Our counselor and my Bishop still suggested I find someone to visit with personally who specializes in sex addiction. I *finally* found Heidi in Bellevue who I feel is a good match. One of the highlights of our discussion last week was on starting a women's recovery group.
A while back I posted about my desire to get one started. I feel like Heidi was practically on the same page as me! She's already received approval for their Bellevue office to start a group on either Mon/Tues Evenings. The fine details are still getting worked out, but please spread the word!
LifeStar does have a women's group up and running now through their program. Last I heard, it is in Renton on Thursdays 4-530.
And last of all, my stake president has also heard my requests and have now assigned their newest high councilman to be in charge of starting a Women's Only group for our surrounding Bellevue, Bellevue South and Redmond Stakes!! These details are also getting organized, but stay posted!
The ball is rolling. This is very exciting. Very good.
UPDATE:
The women's group at BCS is not operating. LifeStar has a women's group meeting on Mondays at 3. And SA meets at St. Andrew's Lutheran church (across from the temple) at 8am Saturday mornings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)