I can’t explain myself
I don’t know why I think about this non stop this week but I had a therapy session on Monday and was completely hijacked by it.
We didn’t even talk about anything that awesome.
But when I left, my brain stayed in the office and for about five hours I just wanted to get away from my family and sit in silence and reflect on the session. I wish I could remember everything we had said; The order of conversation, etc...
We discussed the irritatingly inappropriate text my dad sent me.
But I quickly grew tired of that conversation because I feel like I have hashed it out from every angle and only time will heal that wound.
So we moved to the weekends current trigger, that of a 20/20 episode of this rich guy who in his own way, trafficked young teenage girls, and fondled them in this own home.
I knew as soon as this show started unfolding that I’d be triggered by its content. Sexual fondling is my sexual abuse story. It’s my trauma.
As I listened to some of these ladies who were victimized tell their story, I had a handful of thoughts in relation to what I was hearing. First was the girl who explained how she never went back. She was paid money for her experience being there, not understanding that she was signing up to be fondled. She felt so disgusted and ashamed and didn’t have a desire to go back,
But there were others who went back, not because they didn’t feel disgusted or ashamed, because I am sure they did, but something compelled them to go back. My conscious thought when I heard their story was, “That would be me. I would have gone back.”
Second, I recognized a conscious thought as I specifically watched these ladies tell their stories. “I wish I was you.”
I wish I was you.
I wish I was you.
Was I really thinking this? What did this thought mean? I had to sit with these thoughts all the night long before I figured out what was underneath them.
I wished I was her (or them) because they get to tell their story and people readily recognize it for the trauma it is. Their wounds are validated, and being attended to and they deserve that every whit! I wish I was her because she got to speak to that camera and say what happened and she didn’t have to worry about ruining someone’s reputation or putting her close family associations through judgement and shame. She didn’t have to carry that as a family secret.
I want that freedom.
I’ve cracked open the dialogue with my sister this year. I requested my report from the child department of justice center-or-something-or-other earlier this year. I told my sister I was awaiting it. She talked about some of my emotions around it. I told her how her name was on it and she validated the one experience that she had with the same brother, to which I said “Mine wasn’t just one experience.”
Now I don’t know the mindset of my sister, or the dynamic of my brother - but I find this ironic based on my assessment of the tv show guests. My sister was the one who was like the one girl in the episode whose experience was reeked with discomfort, disgust and shame and “she never went back” and/or my brother never messed with her again. But that wasn’t the same for me, and I don’t know why. It’s a giant question, full of shame that looms over me. Why did I go back? Or, even, why did he continue to choose me?
Because let’s face it we were in the same house. I wasn’t “going back” anywhere. I was just living my life in my home, my bathroom, my family basement, during our family’s vacations, during my family’s work time at the apartments. I was living my life, and these sexual experiences were littered throughout all the mundane and should-be safe and secure living situations. I honestly don’t know what percentage of those I really “went back” to and which ones just ended up happening to me without my permission during my attempt to live a regular life.
I also don’t even know the first time this happened. I mean, I THINK I remember the first time I had a sexual type experience with my brother. But I can’t be certain and I certainly don’t know what time was our last. My brain wishes it could remember everything - beginning, middle and end. How old was I when this began? What were all the situations leading into this? How often and regularly was I targeted? How many times did I do something to illicit the attention? When did trauma bonding begin to occur for me? Could I have stopped it? Why did you pick me? Why did it keep happening? Why why why why why why why? I wish I could know and remember it all, honestly. I believe if I did, I’d better understand my behaviors today.
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
Trauma
“I am NOT TRAUMATIZED!”
These were the words that came out of my mouth during my first session with Aaron. I had been through two other therapists before they unexpectedly had to move so I was starting to become familiar with this word, “trauma”. I guess Aaron was no different in that in our initial session, he tried to tie back some of the unwanted behaviors to trauma. Because why else would I have said that?
I understand now that my definition of trauma then was different than it is now. Trauma was something terrible, horrible and generally accepted as a huge deal. War is trauma. A violent kidnapping and rape is trauma. And these are. But, think of them at capital T trauma.
I was pretty defensive of my childhood when I first started therapy. Therapist Dave tried to get me to dig into my family of origin. I perceived this was an exercise to criticize and break down all the horrible things that my parents did poorly. I simply wasn’t interested in participating in that. I remember going through some workbooks with him and only writing what I believed could be presented in the best light. I had a very good childhood and I was going to prove it.
And this is where I was during my first session with Aaron...no interest in going down childhood of origin stuff. There was no trauma there. And trauma just wasn’t me. That was for victims, and I wasn’t a victim.
I don’t even know when or how the stuff between my brother even got brought up. I know I talked about it some with Dave, because 2013 happened. There was a lot of additional trauma in 2013 tied to the childhood trauma I was in denial over. And some of it was fresh trauma, including the unexpected passing of my mom.
But when or how this got brought up with Aaron, I have no idea.
The main focus of my seeing Aaron was to handle the immediate crisis in my marriage. We were in such a low state with deep emotional pain. I was in deep grief over the loss of my mom. I was pregnant with my second son at the time, and Aaron questioned if the baby was my husband’s. I started in some group therapies and got to know people in the recovery network which was crucial to my not feeling alone. I guess this is when I started tellin my story more,
During first step newcomer meetings, my quick story usually started like this:
I discovered masturbation when I was young. Like really young. It didn’t have a sexual drive to it, at least initially but it’s been a habit for as long as I can remember. Then I had a brother who showed some sexual interest in me as a young child. This lasted for years and when that sexual attention ended, I turned to pornography. I kept this behavior all as secret and lived a life where I was weighed down by Shame and self loathing and just trying to navigate adolescence as I understood it. I finally disclosed everything at age 17 and just considered this to be my ending point. I was not going to engage in that behavior anymore and there was no reason to think about any of it because I had forgiven all parties and it was time to move on.
Then my newcomer share would evolve into how the beast of addictive and compulsive behavior kept coming up for me.
And now I can see, and admit how much more it ties back to my childhood. Specifically how it tied back to that one liner, “I had a brother who showed some sexual interest in me as a child.” It was so much more than one line of my life. Maybe not capital T trauma. But “little t” trauma over and over and over and over again. It adds up.
These were the words that came out of my mouth during my first session with Aaron. I had been through two other therapists before they unexpectedly had to move so I was starting to become familiar with this word, “trauma”. I guess Aaron was no different in that in our initial session, he tried to tie back some of the unwanted behaviors to trauma. Because why else would I have said that?
I understand now that my definition of trauma then was different than it is now. Trauma was something terrible, horrible and generally accepted as a huge deal. War is trauma. A violent kidnapping and rape is trauma. And these are. But, think of them at capital T trauma.
I was pretty defensive of my childhood when I first started therapy. Therapist Dave tried to get me to dig into my family of origin. I perceived this was an exercise to criticize and break down all the horrible things that my parents did poorly. I simply wasn’t interested in participating in that. I remember going through some workbooks with him and only writing what I believed could be presented in the best light. I had a very good childhood and I was going to prove it.
And this is where I was during my first session with Aaron...no interest in going down childhood of origin stuff. There was no trauma there. And trauma just wasn’t me. That was for victims, and I wasn’t a victim.
I don’t even know when or how the stuff between my brother even got brought up. I know I talked about it some with Dave, because 2013 happened. There was a lot of additional trauma in 2013 tied to the childhood trauma I was in denial over. And some of it was fresh trauma, including the unexpected passing of my mom.
But when or how this got brought up with Aaron, I have no idea.
The main focus of my seeing Aaron was to handle the immediate crisis in my marriage. We were in such a low state with deep emotional pain. I was in deep grief over the loss of my mom. I was pregnant with my second son at the time, and Aaron questioned if the baby was my husband’s. I started in some group therapies and got to know people in the recovery network which was crucial to my not feeling alone. I guess this is when I started tellin my story more,
During first step newcomer meetings, my quick story usually started like this:
I discovered masturbation when I was young. Like really young. It didn’t have a sexual drive to it, at least initially but it’s been a habit for as long as I can remember. Then I had a brother who showed some sexual interest in me as a young child. This lasted for years and when that sexual attention ended, I turned to pornography. I kept this behavior all as secret and lived a life where I was weighed down by Shame and self loathing and just trying to navigate adolescence as I understood it. I finally disclosed everything at age 17 and just considered this to be my ending point. I was not going to engage in that behavior anymore and there was no reason to think about any of it because I had forgiven all parties and it was time to move on.
Then my newcomer share would evolve into how the beast of addictive and compulsive behavior kept coming up for me.
And now I can see, and admit how much more it ties back to my childhood. Specifically how it tied back to that one liner, “I had a brother who showed some sexual interest in me as a child.” It was so much more than one line of my life. Maybe not capital T trauma. But “little t” trauma over and over and over and over again. It adds up.
2020 update
Wooooooeeeee. It has been a long time since I have blogged. This blog marked the beginning of my recovery days over five years ago!
Since April of 2014, my family has moved. My marriage dipped into a space a deep emotional pain, and in August of 2015 we decided to separate. This lasted only seven months. I took the kids to a different state and we each worked on our selves separate from each other. This was a very good decision and there were so many ways the Lord blessed us in walking down this road
We have welcomed another child into our family
And we have continued in both couples and personal therapies through out the years on and off. I can tell you, the last two years in our marriage have been our absolute BEST! I love my husband. I appreciate him. Our communication skills have taken a complete 180 and we have been healed in many, many capacities.
Currently, my personal focus is on my childhood trauma and sexual abuse. This is what brings me back to my blog today. I need to write and I need to write about that. So onto my next post. XOXO ~Seattle
Since April of 2014, my family has moved. My marriage dipped into a space a deep emotional pain, and in August of 2015 we decided to separate. This lasted only seven months. I took the kids to a different state and we each worked on our selves separate from each other. This was a very good decision and there were so many ways the Lord blessed us in walking down this road
We have welcomed another child into our family
And we have continued in both couples and personal therapies through out the years on and off. I can tell you, the last two years in our marriage have been our absolute BEST! I love my husband. I appreciate him. Our communication skills have taken a complete 180 and we have been healed in many, many capacities.
Currently, my personal focus is on my childhood trauma and sexual abuse. This is what brings me back to my blog today. I need to write and I need to write about that. So onto my next post. XOXO ~Seattle
Monday, April 28, 2014
lost
I am so sad right now.
I feel very lost.
I feel surrounded by failure. That I am a failure. That I am going to fail. So much of this is for naught.
I've had my sister with us all week, and she's such a bright and cheery person. And I'd like to say I feel inspired by her and had an enjoyable time, but mostly I felt like I was running to keep up a facade. I put so much energy into trying to patch any hole she might see into my life that my marriage is not as happy as hers. That my relationship with my husband sucks. I didn't want her to see any of my internet history and be able to see that I read LDS addiction blogs. I didn't want her to come across my therapy binders or my SA white book.
I really struggled to be real and authentic with her. And I think that is what is bothering me so much right now. That has left me vulnerable to a spiraling down of depression. I don't know. I don't get it.
When she left I was full of so many mixed feelings; I wish so badly that she didn't have to leave, because I love her and want her influence in my life. Yet I felt relief because I'm done with the cover-up-ing and the humiliation.
I felt so humiliated often this weekend. Normally the things I hear and the conversations that happen between my hubby and I are just what they are, and I deal with them. But this weekend they stood out to me (and I'm sure to her) as unhealthy, dysfunctional and without love. I struggle to speak care to him as he does to me. I feel lonely in a place where I expect to feel love. I'm sure he feels the exact same way. And this leaves me hopeless. What do we do? How can we possibly undo everything that's been done? I feel very lost.
I feel very lost.
I feel surrounded by failure. That I am a failure. That I am going to fail. So much of this is for naught.
I've had my sister with us all week, and she's such a bright and cheery person. And I'd like to say I feel inspired by her and had an enjoyable time, but mostly I felt like I was running to keep up a facade. I put so much energy into trying to patch any hole she might see into my life that my marriage is not as happy as hers. That my relationship with my husband sucks. I didn't want her to see any of my internet history and be able to see that I read LDS addiction blogs. I didn't want her to come across my therapy binders or my SA white book.
I really struggled to be real and authentic with her. And I think that is what is bothering me so much right now. That has left me vulnerable to a spiraling down of depression. I don't know. I don't get it.
When she left I was full of so many mixed feelings; I wish so badly that she didn't have to leave, because I love her and want her influence in my life. Yet I felt relief because I'm done with the cover-up-ing and the humiliation.
I felt so humiliated often this weekend. Normally the things I hear and the conversations that happen between my hubby and I are just what they are, and I deal with them. But this weekend they stood out to me (and I'm sure to her) as unhealthy, dysfunctional and without love. I struggle to speak care to him as he does to me. I feel lonely in a place where I expect to feel love. I'm sure he feels the exact same way. And this leaves me hopeless. What do we do? How can we possibly undo everything that's been done? I feel very lost.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Slip Justifications
Wanna know a phrase that I just hate? That slips are meant to be part of recovery. Or that slips are an important part of recovery. Or that no one goes through recovery without a slip.
I believe that most of the time, phrases similar to this are spoken after a slip in an effort to minimize shame or help the addict "feel better."
Okay, okay, it may be true that there hasn't been one single person who has started recovery and never had a slip, but telling me that slips are part of the process is JUST WHAT THE ADDICT WANTS TO HEAR!
When I hear that, I feel like I've been given permission to toy with my triggers; to play with them a little bit because I'm gonna slip eventually, right?
But the reality is: slipping is not part of my plan. It may happen, but I'm not going to justify it as necessary to my recovery. I know now that I can't give myself grace when I slip. It's Jesus Christ who offers me grace. What He asks in return is a commitment of my whole life, mind and soul and to be changed through Him.
So I guess in a one sentence summation: Slipping is not an essential part of the process. Getting up and asking for God's Grace, is.
I believe that most of the time, phrases similar to this are spoken after a slip in an effort to minimize shame or help the addict "feel better."
Okay, okay, it may be true that there hasn't been one single person who has started recovery and never had a slip, but telling me that slips are part of the process is JUST WHAT THE ADDICT WANTS TO HEAR!
When I hear that, I feel like I've been given permission to toy with my triggers; to play with them a little bit because I'm gonna slip eventually, right?
But the reality is: slipping is not part of my plan. It may happen, but I'm not going to justify it as necessary to my recovery. I know now that I can't give myself grace when I slip. It's Jesus Christ who offers me grace. What He asks in return is a commitment of my whole life, mind and soul and to be changed through Him.
So I guess in a one sentence summation: Slipping is not an essential part of the process. Getting up and asking for God's Grace, is.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
A lesson on over sharing
I keep thinking I need to delete my blog. Like--put whatever energy I'm putting into it into something else instead. Just a random intro thought...
If you've been following my last couple of posts, then this will make more sense. I reached out to my therapist last night and we had a phone session today which was the best. So much honesty and clarity. I am pro therapy-no joke! No matter how much I study addiction and try to learn about it, when I'm in my cycle I'm certain I've got blinders up. I need people on the outside to snap me out of it!
I told her about sharing my most recent trigger with my husband. Luckily I have a friend (WoPA) who taught me that I've had time to process thru what I have and that when I expose something, it's brand new to my spouse and I need to now give him the time (maybe weeks) to process what I've shared.
Well, I didn't do so hot at giving him much time. And I also wasn't sure I shared in "the best way", but I shared. I tried. I knew I had to do it, and so I'm reminding myself my intentions were good.
But my therapist confirmed that I may have overshared, indeed. And that I probably really triggered my husband. She affirmed that it will be okay on both ends, just that I need to let him process it and be respectful of it. She also affirmed to me that my attempt to share in the best and most honest way proves I am fighting for recovery.
"So how do I share next time," I asked? I don't want to use the excuse that I might over share, to not share at all! That's what the addict wants me to do! Her tips, at least in this particular circumstance were:
1) Share that you are feeling triggered
2) Share that you are reaching out because you want to break the cycle
3) Then share what action steps you are taking (who you're reaching out to, accountability partners and dailies).
My husband will likely still feel triggered, and may ask for more details but at least he will be asking because he feels ready to handle more information. She also talked about the spouse (in her experience) often struggles with upset and anxious feelings, but strangely it is typically followed up with a sense of relief and safety knowing their spouse didn't keep it a secret.
I really liked that. And hope its true. I'm calming down. I'm coming clean. I'll be continuing to make some more action steps tomorrow and likely making phone calls the rest of the week. I am not through this cycle yet. I will not boast. One day at a time...
If you've been following my last couple of posts, then this will make more sense. I reached out to my therapist last night and we had a phone session today which was the best. So much honesty and clarity. I am pro therapy-no joke! No matter how much I study addiction and try to learn about it, when I'm in my cycle I'm certain I've got blinders up. I need people on the outside to snap me out of it!
I told her about sharing my most recent trigger with my husband. Luckily I have a friend (WoPA) who taught me that I've had time to process thru what I have and that when I expose something, it's brand new to my spouse and I need to now give him the time (maybe weeks) to process what I've shared.
Well, I didn't do so hot at giving him much time. And I also wasn't sure I shared in "the best way", but I shared. I tried. I knew I had to do it, and so I'm reminding myself my intentions were good.
But my therapist confirmed that I may have overshared, indeed. And that I probably really triggered my husband. She affirmed that it will be okay on both ends, just that I need to let him process it and be respectful of it. She also affirmed to me that my attempt to share in the best and most honest way proves I am fighting for recovery.
"So how do I share next time," I asked? I don't want to use the excuse that I might over share, to not share at all! That's what the addict wants me to do! Her tips, at least in this particular circumstance were:
1) Share that you are feeling triggered
2) Share that you are reaching out because you want to break the cycle
3) Then share what action steps you are taking (who you're reaching out to, accountability partners and dailies).
My husband will likely still feel triggered, and may ask for more details but at least he will be asking because he feels ready to handle more information. She also talked about the spouse (in her experience) often struggles with upset and anxious feelings, but strangely it is typically followed up with a sense of relief and safety knowing their spouse didn't keep it a secret.
I really liked that. And hope its true. I'm calming down. I'm coming clean. I'll be continuing to make some more action steps tomorrow and likely making phone calls the rest of the week. I am not through this cycle yet. I will not boast. One day at a time...
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Action Steps and the procrastination thereof
a follow up to my last post:
Finally found some clarity after what seemed like way too long just being stuck in my own head. That dream was a big trigger for me, but it was primarily a slap in the face to get my life in order (again).
Again.
And I'm still working on that piece. Working on cultivating courage to have what I think are going to be hard conversations. Specifically with my hubs. They are only hard because it seems anything to do with communicating real feelings is hard. Things are just so inconsistent. Sometimes we have really good, deep shares but then long periods of time of nothing.
But mostly, those last few sentences are just justifications to not have the conversations that I feel I need to have.
I'm good at justifying; at believing more things are out of my control than in it. But what it really boils down to is: I don't want to take action. I'd rather sit in my current state, and hope that everything will just remain okay. But there's work to be done. Boundaries to redefine. Safety nets to put into place.
I met with my bishop today. I just put it out there. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a legitimate reason to be there unless I've legitimately done something: slipped or relapsed. But like I said in my last post, it's the little things! And I had to push through a lot of shame to reach out to him in my current state--to say, "I'm struggling with stuff. But it's all in my head. But here's what is in my head anyway. Please just hear me. Please understand me. Please lead me to my Savior because I'm having a hard time wanting to find Him on my own. Help me want to want Him. Help me to want Recovery."
I feel I walked away still clearly knowing what my next step needs to be. But still clearly fighting it. Well I've proven one thing: I'm a fighter, I just can't always tell for which side. Haha.
Over and out.
Finally found some clarity after what seemed like way too long just being stuck in my own head. That dream was a big trigger for me, but it was primarily a slap in the face to get my life in order (again).
Again.
And I'm still working on that piece. Working on cultivating courage to have what I think are going to be hard conversations. Specifically with my hubs. They are only hard because it seems anything to do with communicating real feelings is hard. Things are just so inconsistent. Sometimes we have really good, deep shares but then long periods of time of nothing.
But mostly, those last few sentences are just justifications to not have the conversations that I feel I need to have.
I'm good at justifying; at believing more things are out of my control than in it. But what it really boils down to is: I don't want to take action. I'd rather sit in my current state, and hope that everything will just remain okay. But there's work to be done. Boundaries to redefine. Safety nets to put into place.
I met with my bishop today. I just put it out there. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a legitimate reason to be there unless I've legitimately done something: slipped or relapsed. But like I said in my last post, it's the little things! And I had to push through a lot of shame to reach out to him in my current state--to say, "I'm struggling with stuff. But it's all in my head. But here's what is in my head anyway. Please just hear me. Please understand me. Please lead me to my Savior because I'm having a hard time wanting to find Him on my own. Help me want to want Him. Help me to want Recovery."
I feel I walked away still clearly knowing what my next step needs to be. But still clearly fighting it. Well I've proven one thing: I'm a fighter, I just can't always tell for which side. Haha.
Over and out.
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