I'm in my cycle.
I don't know if that's the right terminology, but it seems like that's what my therapist would say.
There's just little things that keep standing out to me--instances where I let my guard down. Rather, I let a thought stay. Or, find excitement/thrill from it, rather than a desire to push it away from me.
That being said, I can't pinpoint much of anything like... how serious this is.
But, really that doesn't matter because anything...any. little. thing. is a step towards disrupting my peace & sobriety. And I don't want that. Every time it's these little things that build up and all of the sudden I look back and realize I've created something huge. Got to manage the little things.
Triggering, power-holding dream last week. I couldn't stop thinking about this dream for days. I didn't reach out to one person. Nope. Then I finally went to the SA meeting and just shared about it some, but with little relief. I felt how much power this dream had over me. It was so true to something that can actually happen in reality, that I realized I could truly make it a reality. And not only that, I wanted to!
But then of course, I don't want to!!
So I am back in the game of tug-of-war with myself. And one of me is going to win.
I think I'd best get back into seeing my therapist to break it down with complete honesty. It's not enough for me to just share it in a group setting. I need someone to get to the gutsy interior with me.
Brutal honesty! I strive for that too. It is hard to reach out, but I'm just realizing it's still important even as "far" in recovery as I am.
ReplyDeleteAnd have you heard the song "Battle" by Chris August? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtzNecqxeSI
Remember that the war is won and, therefore, you can win the battle. :)
I *finally* got around to listening to this. Thanks for sharing. I had a friend who recently shared with me that same idea that the battle is already won. No point in going to the other side...
DeletePraying for you on this. I hope you can break it down and get through it without disrupting your peace and sobriety.
ReplyDeleteWhen something like this dream keeps pulling at us, there is an underlying reason that needs to be addressed. Everything is created spiritually before it is created physically, whether it is a source of spiritual light or darkness. Addiction is created spiritually first. Getting to the spiritual core of the problem can be very empowering.
ReplyDeleteRead the post "Why you can't stop once you start" at http://wholeseomlives.wordpress.com and it will give you greater insights into what you are wrestling with. God bless you!
Stupid user dreams. I'm sorry you had one that affected you so much. I hate those. Also, totally understand about the tug of war. I often say something like "I WANT to want sobriety." And sometimes that's where it starts. :) it's so hard all of this. Your efforts are rewarded though. <3
ReplyDelete