Breaking boundaries creates chaos

Not too many days ago I blogged about safety. I didn't quite understand what I was feeling but I knew I felt overwhelmingly unsafe. But unsafe how? Where was I unsafe? I honestly didn't give that post much thought before posting it. It was rather impulsive and I just typed it as I felt, posted it and went on my way. But that doesn't mean I haven't given it a lot of thought--trying to break down my feelings--attempting to discover the meaning underneath the cryptic words.

Heres what I concluded: I feel unsafe no matter where I go, simply because I have to take "addict me" with me. 

I felt unsafe in my home because I was figuring out ways to "defeat the system" and find innappropriate content. And then keep it a secret.

I felt unsafe at ARP because I was out-of-control the last few times I attended letting my mind wander and escape instead of focusing on recovery (or on my Savior).

I felt unsafe on vacation because I allowed myself to engage in activities that I shouldn't have. And then keep it a secret. 

I felt unsafe to work because I started slacking on maintaining appropriate boundaries with people. I wasn't so sure I wanted to say anything, or share that info with my therapist so I guess, in a way, I was trying to keep that a secret too.

I felt unsafe to blog because I recognized how susceptible I am to outside male contact. Even reaching out didn't stop me from continuing contact on the side with someone. My addiction was in the drivers seat.

But of course, On the day I wrote that post I would've never admitted that all of these things were underneath those cryptic words. In fact I barely recognized it myself. It's no wonder I felt so unsafe.  Broken boundaries. Keeping secrets. Forgetting commitments. I didn't feel safe because I wasn't being safe. But my soul still begged the question: "how do I feel safe again?!?"

And then...

Sidreis commented on my blog. She articulates herself so well--it was just like presenting me with this perfect-package-answer, granting me the clarity I've been seeking.. She wrote: 

"I feel safe in my Bishop's office, therapists office, and the Temple. Because those are the places I AM safe. I am in the same boat as you. But, I have learned to find safety within myself, as I set healthy boundaries and rely on the Lord. So long as I keep Him with me, He keeps me safe."

Isn't that perfect? 

Naturally, and fortunately, as I have confessed to my husband and bishop, contaminated the fantasies, blocked phone numbers, committed to call in to the women's phone meeting, and started being honest about my behavior, I have began to feel safe again. Establishing and honoring boundaries wraps me in a secure blanket of safety! Yes, my addiction will always be a part of me, but I believe I can find safety within myself.  I have the Savior. We all do. And His grace is sufficient for me. It's time for me to get back to work...again!

(PS--If you haven't watched the Brad Wilcox video in last post-do yourself a favor and watch it).