I robbed myself

On a Monday, just a few weeks back, I was on vacation in Utah. And on that Monday I was 100% in my addiction. 100%. All of my siblings had gone home who also had travelled from far for their vacation, and so this Monday it was just me, my son and my mom. We had to go to my sisters house in a neighboring city to clean up supplies from the family events. During the entire drive there, I chose to engage in my addiction more than connect with my mom. I half heartedly listened to her talk, while my hands texted away with several guys--none of whom I knew. But somehow, stupidly, I wanted to make them interested in me.

When what I didn't realize, but in hindsight is so painfully obvious, is that sitting in the driver's seat was a person who WAS ALREADY interested in me.

When we got to my sisters house I snuck away as regularly as possible, claiming I was in the bathroom or downstairs cleaning, because it was becoming more obvious that my texting was a little more than usual that day, and I didn't want any questions. When my mom finally sat down in the backyard just ready to talk and hang out until my sister got home, I squirmed and wondered how I would make these replies on the phone....which was now charging inside.

I still managed to do it. I withdrew myself from the conversations. I was never fully present during them. And when my sister came home, my soul was so racked, I couldn't even think straight and I practically ignored her. My sister was point-blank irritated with me, and I just shrugged it off. I didn't even give my sister a hug goodbye, I assumed she was that ticked off at me. I was ticked off at myself....but then another text came through, and I replied anyway.

Today I learned my mom passed away unexpectedly. Out of the blue. Tragically. Unfairly. I love my Mom. She and I became closer and closer as I got older and somewhat more mature....but whoever said addiction robs you of connection, wasn't lying.

I robbed myself that Monday. And I really, really, really hate that I did that.

Breaking boundaries creates chaos

Not too many days ago I blogged about safety. I didn't quite understand what I was feeling but I knew I felt overwhelmingly unsafe. But unsafe how? Where was I unsafe? I honestly didn't give that post much thought before posting it. It was rather impulsive and I just typed it as I felt, posted it and went on my way. But that doesn't mean I haven't given it a lot of thought--trying to break down my feelings--attempting to discover the meaning underneath the cryptic words.

Heres what I concluded: I feel unsafe no matter where I go, simply because I have to take "addict me" with me. 

I felt unsafe in my home because I was figuring out ways to "defeat the system" and find innappropriate content. And then keep it a secret.

I felt unsafe at ARP because I was out-of-control the last few times I attended letting my mind wander and escape instead of focusing on recovery (or on my Savior).

I felt unsafe on vacation because I allowed myself to engage in activities that I shouldn't have. And then keep it a secret. 

I felt unsafe to work because I started slacking on maintaining appropriate boundaries with people. I wasn't so sure I wanted to say anything, or share that info with my therapist so I guess, in a way, I was trying to keep that a secret too.

I felt unsafe to blog because I recognized how susceptible I am to outside male contact. Even reaching out didn't stop me from continuing contact on the side with someone. My addiction was in the drivers seat.

But of course, On the day I wrote that post I would've never admitted that all of these things were underneath those cryptic words. In fact I barely recognized it myself. It's no wonder I felt so unsafe.  Broken boundaries. Keeping secrets. Forgetting commitments. I didn't feel safe because I wasn't being safe. But my soul still begged the question: "how do I feel safe again?!?"

And then...

Sidreis commented on my blog. She articulates herself so well--it was just like presenting me with this perfect-package-answer, granting me the clarity I've been seeking.. She wrote: 

"I feel safe in my Bishop's office, therapists office, and the Temple. Because those are the places I AM safe. I am in the same boat as you. But, I have learned to find safety within myself, as I set healthy boundaries and rely on the Lord. So long as I keep Him with me, He keeps me safe."

Isn't that perfect? 

Naturally, and fortunately, as I have confessed to my husband and bishop, contaminated the fantasies, blocked phone numbers, committed to call in to the women's phone meeting, and started being honest about my behavior, I have began to feel safe again. Establishing and honoring boundaries wraps me in a secure blanket of safety! Yes, my addiction will always be a part of me, but I believe I can find safety within myself.  I have the Savior. We all do. And His grace is sufficient for me. It's time for me to get back to work...again!

(PS--If you haven't watched the Brad Wilcox video in last post-do yourself a favor and watch it). 

Brad Wilcox "His Grace is Sufficient"

30 Day Book of Mormon Challenge

Who would like to join me in a challenge?  A challenge to read the Book of Mormon in 30 days (+ a week -- because we all need a little grace period. :)

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I participated in this challenge with my ward in January of 2011 and it was a powerful experience. There was power in knowing several other people had their sights set on the same goal, and it was fueled by Sacrament meetings and Sunday School heavily based on individual's experience of  reading the Book of Mormon.

For me personally, it was a month filled with a lot of personal revelation. And never before in my life have I read the Book of Mormon as one big story. As the days wore on, I was anxious to share it. My testimony of this sacred book rooted deep into my soul, and I couldn't help but talk about it to people. The message of the Gospel stood out so plainly, I could not deny it.

If I remember correctly, I ended up devoting about 30 minutes a day to reading my scriptures. Often I would break it up throughout the day, but I can tell you, it is possible if you make it a priority!

So, who is with me? I'm starting tomorrow (August 9, 2013) but remember I'm giving myself a buffer week. So I will be done on September 15. I hope to blog about some things that perhaps stand out this time around (but I won't necessarily make that my priority), but if you have special thoughts on the Book of Mormon, please share it on your blog. I would love to read yours!

Safety

I don't feel safe in very many places anymore.
I don't feel safe in my home.
I don't feel safe at ARP.
I don't feel safe on vacation.
I don't feel safe at work.
I don't even feel safe to blog anymore.
The only two places I have felt completely safe lately are in my therapist's office and the Bishop's office.
Where do you go to be safe?