Questions and Comments--cuz I don't have the answers

What do you mean when you use the term "recovery"? What message are you trying to convey?

For me, I define it as recognizing my behavior as an addictive pattern. Then I begin gathering tools to specifically aid me in breaking those patterns, overall changing my behaviors.

For me, recognition truly was the first step--honestly admitting my behavior was out of control and that as much as I wanted to change, I was met with an equally powerful subconscious that didn't want to change. Then from there, I figuratively yet very literally began loading my toolbelt with :
Contacts--people I could trust to talk openly about this topic
Therapist specific to addiction
Arp manual
Keeping Dailies
Reading literature (Brene brown, and he restoreth my soul).
K9 on my phone
Learning about triggers/boundaries/shame

Next question: Am I on the right path? What helps you recognize you're truly doing it the right way this time? How might you help someone else who finds them self in the same predicament as you?

The right and the wrong way to enjoy sex

Wrong: instant gratification via self-stimulation.

I didn't give in today. I wanted it so badly. I was alone, I texted my vts and cancelled our appointment, I threw myself into isolation. Eventually, I threw myself on my knees. It wasn't a feel-good prayer, nor one with much humility, my getting on my knees was a somewhat of a plea to my Heavenly Father in itself. Of the dust explains it so well, but I knew I would somehow get the motivation I needed if I would just kneel.

Unfortunately sometimes I need some motivation to pray!

I got out alive and eventually out my front door.

Fast forward to tonight. I have a sexual appetite again. That's not wrong. Normally and dare I say, healthily I would go to my hubby and warm him up to the idea. But tonight all you recovery-ites and your blogs are making me internalize this more and somehow I feel like I'm now only using my hubby to fulfill some lust-monster within me.

My husband then made a remark implying his desire for sex. And ironically, my other normal and might I say, unhealthy reaction happened; I began conjuring up every reason I didn't want it! How i can manipulate him out of it. What?!?

And then I blended these ideas all into one. "In the name of recovery, I should refrain until I'm willing to give myself to you in a wholesome way," I said, (but not really because I don't talk like that), but whatever I said, became my excuse not to have it.

My husband just looked at me and said, "Hey if you want it, come and get it, because I want it," practically telling me he didn't care if it was fulfilling some figurative lust monster in my mind.

And this has completely crushed this model in my head I've been building about The Right and Wrong Way to have Sex.

So on that note, I'm gonna go and we shall see what happens tonight. And then I'll determine how I feel, and that will become MY personal boundary about what is the right way and the wrong way to enjoy sex.

And you'll never know what I come up with -  unless I get pregnant, then it may be obvious. :) - because honestly, you'll figure out what works for you in your marriage, just as much as I will mine.

Validation

I don't know how many times I have read about addicts loving validation. I don't think this is a bad thing. It's important and essential to hear you're great and have something to offer to this world.

But mostly whenever I read the word validation I think of this video:

Good Morning

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Have a wonderful day, because you can choose too...

Scripture Study: Helpers

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in how I am feeling and so swallowed up in my emotions, it's hard to see beyond myself. I don't feel as if I will ever be happy again, nor in these moments do I think I really want to look beyond myself.

And then I watch the news. Boston Marathon. Bombs. Families. Devastation, yet a community of many 'helpers'-people who rushed to the aid of others.

If you're looking for an scripture study moment, read D&C 14, 15, & 16. David Whitmer and his brothers came to Joseph Smith excited about the work of the Lord; the restoration of the Gospel. They asked what the Lord would have them individually do to assist in the work. I read these sections as if they were Priesthood blessings given to each one of them. David Whitmer's revelation (Section 14) was the longer revelation and subliminally foreshadowed his opportunity to be a witness to the Book of Mormon, if he remained faithful and desired it.

The next two sections are the revelations given to the 2 brothers of David. They are in every way identical. The Lord repeats, "a great and marvelous work is about to come forth..." "The field is white and ready to harvest," and "whoso desireth to reap let him..." Why reprint the exact same revelation twice?

My takeaway: They were not the exact same revelation. The text might be identical, yet they are in every way individual. The Lord recognizes their individual nature and their individual agency. I imagine if I had gone to Joseph Smith at this same time and asked him to inquire of the Lord what He would have me do to assist in the work, the Lord would have told me the exact same thing: Be my helper.

And I can't be His helper if I remain angry and resentful. I know that. The Lord knows that. He's not going to force me to do anything. That's why He said, "whoso desireth..."

I wish I could end this on a positive note or at least with a firm online commitment and shout-out of "I desire! Watch me desire!" But I can feel my pride and the adversary yanking my agency chain just as much as the Spirit. And committing to the blog-o-sphere is jack-squat unless I truly feel it. I'll get there. I can say here genuinely though, that I am so thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe it with all of my heart.

Place No More for the Enemy of my Soul

I just rewatched this today and heard it with completely different ears this time. Noting by the date he gave this talk (April 2010) and reflecting where I was spiritually during that time, I'm sure I was thinking, "Phew, so glad I have that part of me under control." I'm also certain that I didn't consider the following statement to applied to me in any way, shape or form:

"Acknowledge that people bound by the chains of true addictions often need more help than self-help, and that may include you. Seek that help and welcome it. Talk to your bishop. Follow his counsel. Ask for a priesthood blessing. Use the Church’s Family Services offerings or seek other suitable professional help. Pray without ceasing. Ask for angels to help you."

I think very differently now.


I also like Andrew's post and his thoughts on this talk.

Bellevue Area Women's Group!!

I need some help. You may skip all the middle stuff--but please read the bottom!

I would love to see a Women's Sexual Addiction Group get started in my area. I knowI have a lot of uncomfortable thoughts when I think about going to a group where males are in attendance. For me personally, it's not a good idea.

I know LifeStar has what's called Phase 2 which is group meets. Unfortunately, there are no women's only groups and the group meets are like $500. The benefit is you have a group and skilled therapists to talk you through things.

I know the LDS church has Addiction Recovery Programs (ARP). In my area, these consist of general addiction groups, pornography addiction groups (mixed gender), and the wives/women of those affected by pornography support groups. I've been to one (not what I was expecting) but at least I have a better feel for how these groups can be. As I understand it, ARP is led by missionaries who aren't to discuss the addiction in too much detail, if much at all. The meetings are kept fairly general, but with important emphasis on inviting the spirit into the discussion, encouraging application of the 12 steps, and ultimately relying on the Lord through the recovery/healing process.

My ideal group would be a space where healing/recovery is mixed with inviting the Spirit and gospel principles into the meeting, but also having educated facilitators guiding the discussion.

In any case, in order for any group to be formed, we need women who are interested! I know I am not the only gal in WA with a sexual addiction. I wholeheartedly believe there are women out there who yearn for a safe space to openly share their stories, breakdown their thoughts and glean tools and hope from others with similar experiences.

I have some amazing therapists who are talking amongst each other, who are advocating for a Women's Support Group and who are willing to facilitate and create this space with us!! But we need to let them know we are here, and that we want what they have to offer! We are in the Bellevue/Renton/Issaquah/Redmond area. If you are one of these women, please e-mail me! If you know someone in this area who has expressed interest in having a Women's group, please pass my information along! 

Truly, we just need 4 people to get the snowball rolling--well, the ball is already rolling; it's just a matter of who is going to help push it along.

iheartseattle.lds@gmail.com
I will keep your name/email/everything confidential. I will solely communicate your interest to the therapists aiding in creating the group, and will pass along their information to you if you are interested in speaking with them.

Quote: Comfort Zone

iPhone freedom

I discovered there is a way to set a restriction on the iPhone for Safari. You can't "delete" the application off the platform, (which even if I could, with my self-control I'd probably just download it again the next day) but you can go into Settings > Restrictions > Enter a Passcode, and then from there you can hide Safari.

My phone is my #1 and only way I have accessed inappropriate sites over the last year. However, this wasn't my main motivation for asking my husband to place a passcode on the app. It was actually my disgust with the amount of time I spent on my phone, period!

Between patients at work, I'd pull out my phone.

Right when I woke up and right before I went to bed, I'd pull out my phone.

When I was "spending time" with my son, the phone was typically in the other hand. What blog, email, or Facebook status is so important that my son gets overridden? NONE!! And the other day when I came home from work at 7 pm I realized I was engaged with my phone for several minutes at a time until 10 that evening. Those hours included "playing a game with my son and the bedtime routine" (in quotations because I obviously wasn't present with him). Isn't that disgusting? 

And then somehow, by way of Grace I discovered that restriction option. I asked my husband to type in the passcode reassuring him that it wasn't because I had recently accessed anything--not that he asked; I'm guessing he didn't even want to know. I resolved that there was nothing over the last month that I had used Safari for that I absolutely needed to know. Yes, it's great to have for those random Google needs, but hey, my coworker has a phone--she can look it up for me. And I enjoyed perusing through blogs during my lunch break, but hey--now I'll go outside and enjoy the sun, er ... beautiful WA rain.

This decision didn't make me feel restricted. I actually feel free; more present, productive and protected.

Sugar Addiction

I want to write this post like I know everything, like I've educated myself on addiction, and as if I have broken-down my situation so well that I understand myself and my internal reasoning for doing what I am doing. But the truth is: I don't know what's going on.

In the past, I have avoided owning the word addiction. That word didn't really apply to me. That word was reserved for drugs, alcohol, and porn (and viewing porn once a month wasn't an addiction in my book).

However I have for several years owned the title chocoholic. In fact when I announce I'm a chocoholic it's generally said out of pride like it's a silly and harmless sweet tooth that I live with. No one has ever looked at it like it's a big deal--so why should I? 

But I think for the first time today I recognized how I tried to combat shame with 2 Snickers bars. I'm allotting so much energy to understanding sexual addiction that addict me is responding, "Fine, I'll find another way." 

This isn't something new that's just come up, but my awareness of it has peaked.

White knuckling and Force fields

White knuckling. What does it mean?

To me, I relate it to a scary roller coaster ride. You know, the one with lots of loops and turns and the anticipation that the person behind you will inevitably puke on you. You grasp that bar in front of you so tightly, your knuckles bleed white until finally the ride is over and then you feel free to let go.

Seems sister to the control-release phase.

I remember a phone call conversation with my new found therapist when I found myself flirting my way down a path I knew I should not walk. It seemed to lead me into a moment of self-sabotage though because as soon as we made contact my brain told me to go-go-go before she told me to stop!! But I so desperately and morally wanted to stop, yet I could not be accountable to myself. There was one conversation where my therapist did give me specific instruction something like, "I don't want you to call him at all this week." I agreed. And although it was challenging and the urges to call still came, my accountability to her held a much stronger power over me and I didn't make a call; not a single one. The next week I proudly reported, but I was consciously aware that she didn't make that same demand this week, and addict me responded again: go-go-go!!! And I called him as soon as that appointment was over. That was a white knuckle moment.

Today, right now, I'm thinking about the past several days-12 to be exact. If I were meeting with my therapist today, that would be the sobriety date that I'd declare! Today it feels easy. I don't know if all addicts have days like today, or a few days in a row as mine has been, where the road feels smooth. I have immersed myself in the scriptures, prayer and my dailies and to illustrate my point, I feel like I have a force-field so tightly sealing me that rarely anything can penetrate it. Outside temptations aren't appetizing to me. Only when I choose to make a bad choice, like say something unkind or ignore the prophetic advice to read my scriptures do I penetrate my own force field and the outside evils begin to make me want. But poli-poli, I'm taking each day as it comes and I'm doing okay right now.

I know I can't rely solely on the gospel as my only tool for sobriety, but dang, it is one of the best ones out there. For once I don't believe I am white knuckling--hanging on tight so I can get that temple recommend, or prove to my therapist(s) how good I am doing. I'm doing this because innately I like what this feels like and I like who I am when I act this way.

~iheartseattle