Friday, January 31, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Disciplinary Councils
Have you ever gone through a disciplinary council? Why did you do it? (Not like...what landed you there, but why did you choose to have the DC).
Did you trust your bishop? Even moreso, did you trust his counselors (and, oh yah, the exec secretary who gets to join in for some odd reason)?
Perhaps I'm gawking at the order of the church right now, because I don't find it fair that I should have to share such personal information with mostly people that I don't know OR trust! I don't even feel like my Bishop really shows up for me, but when I say that, the shame gremlins enter my head.
Shame Gremlin: You deserve none of his time. He's so busy helping other people.
Shame Gremlin: He cancels and reschedules on you a lot because you are not worth it.
Shame Gremlin: He doesn't care about you.
They're there. And they hurt. And although some of them gremlins I can logically walk away from other ones keep getting reinforced. I wouldn't say I don't like my bishop, but I don't like him as my bishop, right now.
And so then when it comes to thinking about being involved with a DC with him as the head of the meeting, I cringe. You don't care about me. I am not just a "process to go through". This is my life! This is my story--real, raw and even humiliating. I don't just attach my name to it with anyone--they need to earn my vulnerability.
But unfortunately, I feel like I have to do it. If I want to go to the temple again...I have to endure this. I have to tell complete strangers my faults, so they can sit there and pretend like they care. But I don't believe them. AM I WRONG TO WANT THEM TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME AS A PERSON BEFORE A DC?
Friday, January 24, 2014
Shame and Grace
These are two principles that I believe have created a positive turning point for me:
1) Recognizing shame
2) Learning more about Grace
I am so thankful for grace which allows me to admit I didn't meet up to my potential, and that I can try again.
If you haven't watched this yet, please do: http://a12stepjournal.blogspot.com/2013/08/brad-wilcox-his-grace-is-sufficient.html
I especially like his analogy about the parent paying the piano teacher for the piano lessons for his/her child. The child can only "pay back that debt" by practicing, and becoming better. Afterall, that's all the parent hopes for!
And does the piano teacher kick the child out as soon as he/she plays a wrong note? No! He asks that you try again, too. Practice! Practice! Practice!
1) Recognizing shame
You have no idea how many times I have to advise myself, "Stop beating yourself up." For years over any given situation, shame could knock at my door and generally make its way into my soul. I can now recognize it's knocks, bolt the door and walk away.
2) Learning more about Grace
I am so thankful for grace which allows me to admit I didn't meet up to my potential, and that I can try again.
If you haven't watched this yet, please do: http://a12stepjournal.blogspot.com/2013/08/brad-wilcox-his-grace-is-sufficient.html
I especially like his analogy about the parent paying the piano teacher for the piano lessons for his/her child. The child can only "pay back that debt" by practicing, and becoming better. Afterall, that's all the parent hopes for!
And does the piano teacher kick the child out as soon as he/she plays a wrong note? No! He asks that you try again, too. Practice! Practice! Practice!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
A dream
So ever since my husband started reading my blog, I've become far less interested in posting. I can't really label why, but I do know that knowing who is reading my blog and then potentially seeing them in person after posting something, can set me up for feeling ashamed for what I posted. (Did you follow that?)
I really have to think about my motives behind posting what I am, I guess.
A few weeks back or more, I had a dream: I was at work getting a male patient set up for his appointment, when he started making inappropriate comments. At first in my dream, I ignored him and didn't give him the response I assumed he desired, but he was persistent with his flirting and eventually my brain just latched to what he was saying and I started responding flirtatiously back. The dream was short lived, however it held strong energy. Ironically, while I was eliciting some of my addictive behaviors, I was likewise struggling with my better-self; the part of me who knows who I am, and knows that engaging in this behavior is taking me away from becoming who I want to become.
Still in a dream state, I withdrew from him and began to pray. Heavenly Father, forgive me! Please relieve me of these feelings! Please! I don't want to do this!!! As dream's energy sometimes does, I woke up from that dream with the feelings and guilt so raw and intense, I continued to pray in my (somewhat) awake state. I was relieved that this was just a dream, but petrified at what I had chosen to do, nevertheless. A message burned inside of me: Don't think you are well, just because you've been feeling well. You are still very vulnerable to your addiction, and it can snag you in an instant. You must always stay on guard.
I feel that God granted me the peace that I was seeking that morning. I felt He helped erase images from my dream (and the feelings associated with them) from my memory as well. But the message carried through to my heart; always stay on guard.
I don't know if it was coincidental, or if my dream just put me on edge to be wary of any male who walked through work's door the following day, but one certainly came in who was.....well, different. Everything about his body language, the way he hung around the office (after his appointment was over) made me uncomfortable. He even came back into the office after leaving, just because he had more questions.
Ugh, it wasn't like my dream, but I couldn't help but believe if God hadn't blessed me with that message, that I would've been oblivious to all of this and probably engaged more with him than neccessary. Instead, because I was determined to stay on guard and remember my weakness, I either defaulted to making my coworker answer his questions and me leaving the room, or just giving him the answer and not following up to get more information (bad customer service?)
I have recognized for myself that to have a weakness isn't bad. I've thought of the analogy of the hen who opens her wings, inviting her chicks to come under them for safety. I've been more diligently trying to keep that image in mind and to catch myself when I am choosing to wander from the safety of His wings. My weaknesses will only hurt me when I choose to leave the safety of my Savior. Like the scriptures say, "...if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I really have to think about my motives behind posting what I am, I guess.
A few weeks back or more, I had a dream: I was at work getting a male patient set up for his appointment, when he started making inappropriate comments. At first in my dream, I ignored him and didn't give him the response I assumed he desired, but he was persistent with his flirting and eventually my brain just latched to what he was saying and I started responding flirtatiously back. The dream was short lived, however it held strong energy. Ironically, while I was eliciting some of my addictive behaviors, I was likewise struggling with my better-self; the part of me who knows who I am, and knows that engaging in this behavior is taking me away from becoming who I want to become.
Still in a dream state, I withdrew from him and began to pray. Heavenly Father, forgive me! Please relieve me of these feelings! Please! I don't want to do this!!! As dream's energy sometimes does, I woke up from that dream with the feelings and guilt so raw and intense, I continued to pray in my (somewhat) awake state. I was relieved that this was just a dream, but petrified at what I had chosen to do, nevertheless. A message burned inside of me: Don't think you are well, just because you've been feeling well. You are still very vulnerable to your addiction, and it can snag you in an instant. You must always stay on guard.
I feel that God granted me the peace that I was seeking that morning. I felt He helped erase images from my dream (and the feelings associated with them) from my memory as well. But the message carried through to my heart; always stay on guard.
I don't know if it was coincidental, or if my dream just put me on edge to be wary of any male who walked through work's door the following day, but one certainly came in who was.....well, different. Everything about his body language, the way he hung around the office (after his appointment was over) made me uncomfortable. He even came back into the office after leaving, just because he had more questions.
Ugh, it wasn't like my dream, but I couldn't help but believe if God hadn't blessed me with that message, that I would've been oblivious to all of this and probably engaged more with him than neccessary. Instead, because I was determined to stay on guard and remember my weakness, I either defaulted to making my coworker answer his questions and me leaving the room, or just giving him the answer and not following up to get more information (bad customer service?)
I have recognized for myself that to have a weakness isn't bad. I've thought of the analogy of the hen who opens her wings, inviting her chicks to come under them for safety. I've been more diligently trying to keep that image in mind and to catch myself when I am choosing to wander from the safety of His wings. My weaknesses will only hurt me when I choose to leave the safety of my Savior. Like the scriptures say, "...if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."