I look at the last 9 months as a life-changing experience. I have taken my life in a completely different direction; a direction that prior I didn't even know existed. I am shedding secrets and seeking help. Recovery is a proactive journey. I know this, though I don't always live it.Obviously, I've written several blogposts with snippets of some of my thoughts during this chapter of my life.
Many times I break my life into chapters. I think the reason why is because it helps bring me closure to a certain area and mentally gets me pumped to start anew.
Highlights in Chapter Three of My Story:
KNOWLEDGE
Attending counseling through LifeStar introduced me to addiction language, and aided me in putting my emotions and behaviors into words more clearly. I've also read lots of books to give me a better understanding of how addiction works and what shame is. But most important of all, I have learned that I am NOT alone! And that my worth is unchanging!
CONNECTION
One faulty core belief that I find myself believing frequently is: If you knew my secret life, my thoughts, my urges, fantasies/images, and behaviors, you would leave me. I desperately desire connection, yet I just as desperately fear abandonment.
However what I have experienced regularly during this chapter of my life, when I am honest, are friends and family who challenge me, hold me accountable and forgive me. Some of you, my friends in the blogger world, know my deepest, darkest place and have listened to me share my shame tapes. Sometimes you hear me in victim role, sometimes you respond when I simply need to be heard, and sometimes you hold me very accountable and don't want to hear from me again until I've made my amends. You challenge that faulty core belief by still being there later! I'm amazed. I appreciate you, and love you.
RELAPSE
Honestly, I don't think I'm doing this recovery thing all that well. I had 40 straight-sober days months ago and then I loosened my belt and let little things creep back in. All in all, I think this just set me up for relapse. At moments, I tighten things up again *cough*white-knuckling*cough* but my new therapist has helped me nail down a plan, and a vision for myself and I feel more hope for myself again. Thank Goodness.
DEPRESSION
I have experienced deeper levels of depression and lower drive to do practically anything except eat chocolate and play Plants VS. Zombies. I am struggling to connect with anyone in my ward, and it's very much because I have no desire to. I habitually sleep in too late and go to bed super early. I default to taking naps when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy. And with Mom's passing, it's only compounded the depression a hundred-fold. For a week there I was ready-to-go again. I was going to go home, do my visiting teaching, read and pray everyday .... No, I'm pretty sure I still get enough sleep for the both of us.
I have no resolution in this category, yet. I found a glimmer of hope in Elder Holland's conference address on depression. I believe this is a small moment for me, and I will come out okay.
I will come out okay.
As for the next chapter of my life---I am anticipating great things! EEEK!!
Read Chapter Two
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Seattle Sex Addiction Recovery Groups
HELLO!!! It's been a while since I've blogged.
A couple months ago, my hubby and I finally started couple's counseling together and overall it has been a very good experience. I mean....it sucks....it's hard....and I tend to become very defensive and guarded, but on the flip side I have also tried to take that time to be vulnerable and share, and it's kind of relieving to get everything out there.
I have a very kind, and patient husband. I tell you, those character traits never became more startlingly clear until we started therapy together. Often times during our session, after hard discussions he'll reach over and grab my hand. Or, when I refuse to hold it back, he'll keep his hand on my leg. He continues to be there for me. Over. And over.
Our counselor and my Bishop still suggested I find someone to visit with personally who specializes in sex addiction. I *finally* found Heidi in Bellevue who I feel is a good match. One of the highlights of our discussion last week was on starting a women's recovery group.
A while back I posted about my desire to get one started. I feel like Heidi was practically on the same page as me! She's already received approval for their Bellevue office to start a group on either Mon/Tues Evenings. The fine details are still getting worked out, but please spread the word!
LifeStar does have a women's group up and running now through their program. Last I heard, it is in Renton on Thursdays 4-530.
And last of all, my stake president has also heard my requests and have now assigned their newest high councilman to be in charge of starting a Women's Only group for our surrounding Bellevue, Bellevue South and Redmond Stakes!! These details are also getting organized, but stay posted!
The ball is rolling. This is very exciting. Very good.
UPDATE:
The women's group at BCS is not operating. LifeStar has a women's group meeting on Mondays at 3. And SA meets at St. Andrew's Lutheran church (across from the temple) at 8am Saturday mornings.
A couple months ago, my hubby and I finally started couple's counseling together and overall it has been a very good experience. I mean....it sucks....it's hard....and I tend to become very defensive and guarded, but on the flip side I have also tried to take that time to be vulnerable and share, and it's kind of relieving to get everything out there.
I have a very kind, and patient husband. I tell you, those character traits never became more startlingly clear until we started therapy together. Often times during our session, after hard discussions he'll reach over and grab my hand. Or, when I refuse to hold it back, he'll keep his hand on my leg. He continues to be there for me. Over. And over.
Our counselor and my Bishop still suggested I find someone to visit with personally who specializes in sex addiction. I *finally* found Heidi in Bellevue who I feel is a good match. One of the highlights of our discussion last week was on starting a women's recovery group.
A while back I posted about my desire to get one started. I feel like Heidi was practically on the same page as me! She's already received approval for their Bellevue office to start a group on either Mon/Tues Evenings. The fine details are still getting worked out, but please spread the word!
LifeStar does have a women's group up and running now through their program. Last I heard, it is in Renton on Thursdays 4-530.
And last of all, my stake president has also heard my requests and have now assigned their newest high councilman to be in charge of starting a Women's Only group for our surrounding Bellevue, Bellevue South and Redmond Stakes!! These details are also getting organized, but stay posted!
The ball is rolling. This is very exciting. Very good.
UPDATE:
The women's group at BCS is not operating. LifeStar has a women's group meeting on Mondays at 3. And SA meets at St. Andrew's Lutheran church (across from the temple) at 8am Saturday mornings.