Shame tapes. They keep replaying over and over in my head. They stem from my husband reading my blog and telling someone else about what he read. It also stems from countless rescheduled visits with my bishop. They just speak to the belief inside of me that I am unworthy and undeserving of his time. These are my shame tapes:
Bishop has other more important things to deal with.
You have created your own problems, it's your responsibility to clean them up. You don't deserve to rely on others.
You don't deserve it when your husband is kind to you, gives you back rubs, or says he loves you. You are selfish.
You are selfish.
You. Are. Selfish.
You should be ashamed of yourself. You are a liar. You may not think you are, but that's how others view you. They are right.
You are a burden on your bishop. You are not worthy because you keep messing up, but that's your own fault. Don't cry because you feel like your trial is heavy. You created this trial. It's your fault.
End shame tapes.
Something I've been thinking about lately is trials. I consider my addiction to be a trial. Yet it's not the same type of trial as losing a loved one, or losing a job or having some paralyzingly accident due to no fault of your own. Those latter situations are ones to mourn and to rightfully declare, "what a trial!!" But for me, I feel the need to shut-up, and to be allowed nothing but full accountability for my trial. Like, "you deserve it, cuz you created it." But this doesn't seem very advantageous either. Anyone else have thoughts on trials and the definition thereof?
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
I need no pity. I deserve no compassion. I need to just give it up
Today is the 15th. I was supposed to have finished the Book of Mormon again by now. I haven't. I'm in Alma 20ish. My Mom read a chapter everyday--everyday!!!--for I don't remember how many years, but it was a lot of years (more than I've been alive). That's impressive.
When she passed away and my family was gathered, and sharing, and talking about the temple, and going to church together, and praying a lot as a family, I WAS RESOLVED! I had had enough!!! I felt NO desire to return to my sins. I was ready to work at the roots and to build and center my life around Christ. I committed that week that I was going to continue reading the Book of Mormon and if at all possible, finish it by the 15th. Besides, I knew I probably really needed to dig into my scriptures for that 30 minutes a day.
But...
As my pattern seems to show, I didn't show up for myself. I haven't yet finished what I started. And I know I can still *finish* it, but.... Grr, I just keep turning around and hating myself for committing to it in the first place.
Because I suck at commitment.
And this &#]£<! addiction is wearing me out. But obviously not enough. I thought last time was enough. I thought I was satisfied. I thought that was it--no more will I act out in this way. It was short lived pleasure for a shallow ending. But already, really already??? Already Seattle, you are letting yourself get pulled in again? You suck at commitment.
I feel beyond hope. Do I have glimpse of it once in a while? Certainly! But it's short lived, and despair lives out a little longer each wave.
I think I keep "committing" again to recovery for external reasons/persons:
For my husband
For my marriage
For my reputation
To be accountable to my bishop
To be accountable to the blog world
To be clean--physically protect myself from consequences of riotous living
To make it to the temple
To make it to heaven, so I can actually be worthy of being with my Mom again
And none of these do it. None of these influence me or compel me to forsaking and repenting of my sins. Sometimes I think they do, but if I truly had forsaken it then why am I here, where I am, right now? I am sitting in the muck of my addiction. The muck is manifested by low self esteem, shame, depression, irritability of those closest to me which then leads to fights, withdrawal, isolation and resentment in my marriage.
I wish I could say, just as King Lamoni's father did " I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy. (Alma 22:15)." But when I listened to that passage today, I truly searched in myself, "am I willing to do that? Am I willing to give up all that I possess?"
And the answer I came to was, "no."
So what's it gonna take? Huh, Seattle? WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE?!? Are you going to wait until you lose your family before you straighten up?
Step one: honesty. Admit I have an addiction. Admit I am powerless. Oh, I admit it. This is much bigger than me, but I now recognize that NO ONE on this earth can take care of it for me. And that's the hardest part; the most daunting, overwhelming, hopeless feeling for me. It sure highlights a lot about my character; I have always considered myself a hard worker, but this is hard work that I want to walk away from.
How's that for honesty?
When she passed away and my family was gathered, and sharing, and talking about the temple, and going to church together, and praying a lot as a family, I WAS RESOLVED! I had had enough!!! I felt NO desire to return to my sins. I was ready to work at the roots and to build and center my life around Christ. I committed that week that I was going to continue reading the Book of Mormon and if at all possible, finish it by the 15th. Besides, I knew I probably really needed to dig into my scriptures for that 30 minutes a day.
But...
As my pattern seems to show, I didn't show up for myself. I haven't yet finished what I started. And I know I can still *finish* it, but.... Grr, I just keep turning around and hating myself for committing to it in the first place.
Because I suck at commitment.
And this &#]£<! addiction is wearing me out. But obviously not enough. I thought last time was enough. I thought I was satisfied. I thought that was it--no more will I act out in this way. It was short lived pleasure for a shallow ending. But already, really already??? Already Seattle, you are letting yourself get pulled in again? You suck at commitment.
I feel beyond hope. Do I have glimpse of it once in a while? Certainly! But it's short lived, and despair lives out a little longer each wave.
I think I keep "committing" again to recovery for external reasons/persons:
For my husband
For my marriage
For my reputation
To be accountable to my bishop
To be accountable to the blog world
To be clean--physically protect myself from consequences of riotous living
To make it to the temple
To make it to heaven, so I can actually be worthy of being with my Mom again
And none of these do it. None of these influence me or compel me to forsaking and repenting of my sins. Sometimes I think they do, but if I truly had forsaken it then why am I here, where I am, right now? I am sitting in the muck of my addiction. The muck is manifested by low self esteem, shame, depression, irritability of those closest to me which then leads to fights, withdrawal, isolation and resentment in my marriage.
I wish I could say, just as King Lamoni's father did " I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy. (Alma 22:15)." But when I listened to that passage today, I truly searched in myself, "am I willing to do that? Am I willing to give up all that I possess?"
And the answer I came to was, "no."
So what's it gonna take? Huh, Seattle? WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE?!? Are you going to wait until you lose your family before you straighten up?
Step one: honesty. Admit I have an addiction. Admit I am powerless. Oh, I admit it. This is much bigger than me, but I now recognize that NO ONE on this earth can take care of it for me. And that's the hardest part; the most daunting, overwhelming, hopeless feeling for me. It sure highlights a lot about my character; I have always considered myself a hard worker, but this is hard work that I want to walk away from.
How's that for honesty?
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Compassion
"In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience – our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror....Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." -Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Today, one of my elderly patients unexpectedly emulated the most compassion towards me. We haven't seen one another in over a month and acknowledging that summer was fading away, she cheerfully wished to me, "I hope you've had a good summer!" I am hardly close to this lady, but her comment triggered sadness and next thing you know, I'm in my chair telling her about the surprise loss of my mom in August. This woman, styled with pink and purple highlights in her otherwise piercingly white hair, met me in my sorrow. She expressed with such empathy, "Oh dear, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry."
I am telling you, it was not her words--for I have heard those words plenty of times over the last two weeks--rather, it was in her tone and in her eyes. I could sense that she was drawing deep from a well of past relationships. I appreciated that moment a lot today. I appreciated her.
I aspire to be that compassionate to others.
Today, one of my elderly patients unexpectedly emulated the most compassion towards me. We haven't seen one another in over a month and acknowledging that summer was fading away, she cheerfully wished to me, "I hope you've had a good summer!" I am hardly close to this lady, but her comment triggered sadness and next thing you know, I'm in my chair telling her about the surprise loss of my mom in August. This woman, styled with pink and purple highlights in her otherwise piercingly white hair, met me in my sorrow. She expressed with such empathy, "Oh dear, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry."
I am telling you, it was not her words--for I have heard those words plenty of times over the last two weeks--rather, it was in her tone and in her eyes. I could sense that she was drawing deep from a well of past relationships. I appreciated that moment a lot today. I appreciated her.
I aspire to be that compassionate to others.
Monday, September 9, 2013
apparently, I roll my eyes at promptings too much
Whenever I try to do some formal blog post I always hate what I end up with so I scratch it.
What's a formal blog post anyway? To me, it's when I am trying to regurgitate something somewhat educational in nature--a topic that I like, and that has helped me. But I just deleted the post and decided to do an impulse post instead. Probably a post with no silver lining--because I am a cynic by nature--at least I think so.
God and I have heart to hearts every once in a while. Sometimes it seems like my prayers actually make it--rather, that my end receiver is turned up enough so I hear the response. And one day I recognized God asking me to stop rolling my eyes.
Huh?
I can't tell you how many times I have received what I consider simple promptings to do simple things and I literally let out a big sigh, an annoyed eye roll but then usually grudgingly go and complete the task. I'm talking simple things here, people! Like think of a prompting to go put on your socks.... Simple.
I think God was getting sick of me. In those moments I am truly reverting to acting like a 13-year-old who asks for everything, but wants to do nothing to earn it.
But what am I getting at here anyway? God somehow managed to teach me/remind me/chastise me. He reminded me that I am the one praying for promptings in the first place! And that I pray so desperately to have the Spirit in my life! And so here God blesses me to hear the whisperings of the spirit, and what do I do? Roll my eyes! How appreciative of me. Line upon line--He reminds me. These are teaching moments. How am I to be trusted with the big things, if I won't do the little things? Line upon line--he teaches me. Let's begin to understand how the Spirit speaks to me. It's a learned language, and I'll better understand it later if I tune into it now.
I love how God taught that to me and I tried to stay true to Him very consciously for days following. I don't remember how much later it was, but at some point I had obviously forgotten that lesson because He had to remind me again:
I don't remember the exact circumstance, but I just remember pulling my car into my garage one night after grudgingly reacting to a prompting and His spirit saying to mine, "Remember that time we talked about cheerfully following promptings? Lets work a little harder on that again, okay?"
Isn't that a loving expression? I know--you aren't reading it in the same tone that I heard it, but I sure appreciated it and still regularly think about it.
Well....this sure wasn't the direction I intended this on going. I guess thats kind of what impulse posting means. Hope you enjoyed the read. I guess Im not *that* cynical afterall.
What's a formal blog post anyway? To me, it's when I am trying to regurgitate something somewhat educational in nature--a topic that I like, and that has helped me. But I just deleted the post and decided to do an impulse post instead. Probably a post with no silver lining--because I am a cynic by nature--at least I think so.
God and I have heart to hearts every once in a while. Sometimes it seems like my prayers actually make it--rather, that my end receiver is turned up enough so I hear the response. And one day I recognized God asking me to stop rolling my eyes.
Huh?
I can't tell you how many times I have received what I consider simple promptings to do simple things and I literally let out a big sigh, an annoyed eye roll but then usually grudgingly go and complete the task. I'm talking simple things here, people! Like think of a prompting to go put on your socks.... Simple.
I think God was getting sick of me. In those moments I am truly reverting to acting like a 13-year-old who asks for everything, but wants to do nothing to earn it.
But what am I getting at here anyway? God somehow managed to teach me/remind me/chastise me. He reminded me that I am the one praying for promptings in the first place! And that I pray so desperately to have the Spirit in my life! And so here God blesses me to hear the whisperings of the spirit, and what do I do? Roll my eyes! How appreciative of me. Line upon line--He reminds me. These are teaching moments. How am I to be trusted with the big things, if I won't do the little things? Line upon line--he teaches me. Let's begin to understand how the Spirit speaks to me. It's a learned language, and I'll better understand it later if I tune into it now.
I love how God taught that to me and I tried to stay true to Him very consciously for days following. I don't remember how much later it was, but at some point I had obviously forgotten that lesson because He had to remind me again:
I don't remember the exact circumstance, but I just remember pulling my car into my garage one night after grudgingly reacting to a prompting and His spirit saying to mine, "Remember that time we talked about cheerfully following promptings? Lets work a little harder on that again, okay?"
Isn't that a loving expression? I know--you aren't reading it in the same tone that I heard it, but I sure appreciated it and still regularly think about it.
Well....this sure wasn't the direction I intended this on going. I guess thats kind of what impulse posting means. Hope you enjoyed the read. I guess Im not *that* cynical afterall.